Dear 2011 Me

<- 2011 Me, hope you can handle 2011 Melissa!

*This is a letter for myself to be read in exactly a year - cheesy, I know, but hey, so is my blog :)*

Hey girl! Didn't this year just fly by? I'm guessing, judging by the one before. Or maybe it went slower, since now you've gotten this motherhood thing down. Please tell me you do.

I hope you found a way to do laundry that doesn't turn your living room and bedroom into utter chaos. Actually, I hope you live in a bigger place. I hope you own it and it has a nice yard.

Did you lose weight? Sorry, I don't mean to nag, but it has been awhile since you had a baby. Just tell me you haven't gotten bigger, and I promise not to give you a hard time about it. Much.

Are you still making time for writing? For your husband? To bask in Melissa's cuteness? I know, it's a lot to fit into your day, but remember, it's a blessing to have so many things you love. It's hard when more than one (or all of them) demand your attention, but just take a deep breath and do whatever's the most urgent. I know, I'm saying this while I still don't know what I'm doing, and you might be reading this in 2011 saying, "Ha! How clueless was she."

I hope you dress better, eat better, and have better thoughts about yourself. That you don't have a secret nervous breakdown inside when you make a mistake. You've gotten better at this in 2010, but it highly depends on how much sleep you got. Or how much chocolate you've had. I hope by now you can still forgive yourself even without either.

Whatever happens, and whatever you end up doing, I look forward to meeting you there. And that's not because I'm sure you can handle it, but because I know God can.

Christmas Aftermath

Hope you all had a great one! A few highlights of mine:

This Purse

My first super cute one! I used to buy purses with just a not-ugly criteria, but after spending my days cleaning Melissa's messes/pukes/poops, I thought I deserved a treat.

This Pie

I made it! I made it! I made it! And it was overnight, which sounds so complicated, but it's totally not. Pretty much just fry the bacon, then add it to a mix of eggs/cheeses/milk/hash browns, put it in the refrigerator till the next day (or 2 hours min), then put panko crums over it and bake it. Don't I sound so Betty Crockery?? I'm telling you, it's the magic of Christmas!

Now, a couple low points...

Larger Pants SizeI know, I know, new jeans, yay. But bigger butt :(. I have no idea how this happened (cough-baby-cough-brownies).

Melissa's Pukes

Don't worry, no picture here, ha. But she's been having acid reflux, so that means unexpected episodes whenever something doesn't agree with her tummy (around 6 times on Christmas day).

So this was my holiday in a nutshell, with lots of eating, shopping and a LOT of cleaning. How was yours?

You Know Christmas' Coming When...

<- Mommy, are we done staring at the computer?


- You've stopped counting the calories since the last holiday party (or way before that - my case);

- Your daughter has bells on her socks;

- Charlie Brown's Christmas soundtrack is glued to your car's CD player;

- Lifetime movies become appealing;

- Starbucks becomes your Meca;

- Ugly sweaters become fun;

- You're poorer than normal, more tired than normal, and even more stressed than normal, but somehow happier than normal. It's the magic of Christmas!

Cheeeeeeez!!

After many many many trials to make Melissa smile, while balancing the camera on the tv, FINALLY we have a Christmas card picture :).

I'll Be Late For Christmaaas....

...you can count on thiis... (from "I'll Be Home For Christmas", if you can't tell.)

That's how I feel about this Christmas. Like "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date" (from Alice in Wonderland - aren't I full of quotes today :). We got our tree only a couple of days ago, and even though it's just after Thanksgiving, I still felt like everyone else had a tree, but us.

Another "lateness": pictures!! We haven't taken Melissa's 1 year old professional portrait like I'd planned (she's already over 13 months), and we haven't even gotten close to taking our Christmas card picture. Christmas cards, by the way? I'm pretty sure we should have had those done and sent a long time ago. We've already started receiving from friends, and I feel SO bad (but not bad for receiving them, so friends, please keep sending! :). I'm SO behind!!

Oh, one more "lateness": Melissa's birthday thank you notes. Ha. I think I was supposed to send those like the week after. Right now, I've pretty much blocked it out of my mind, 'cause I have a million other things to worry about that I haven't even mentioned here. So if you came to the party, you might have to be content with the gift of our friendship.

Speaking of gifts, at least all Christmas' ones are pretty much bought. The tree looks nice, a nativity set is on our dining table and there's even a snow globe on top of the tv. I guess I should rejoice. Hopefully this weekend we'll catch up too - we plan on taking a family picture in front of the tree and finally printing out those cards. That just might come with a thank you note attached to it :).

Holiday Laziness

<- Melissa unusually social with great grandparents.

Sorry I haven't updated this blog as much as I used to, but I think everybody's allowed to be lazy before/during/after Thanksgiving, aren't we??

Anyway, hope everyone had a good time, and didn't stress out too much making turkeys. We headed to hubby's grandparents' house (about 3 hours away), and it was a blast. Melissa was surprisingly comfortable in the new surroundings (another sign we need to buy a house), and even bonded with great grandpa and grandma! That's amazing, because she RARELY bonds with anyone besides mommy and daddy (she's very particular about the people & stuff around her).

Another AWESOME thing that happened is that David and I had a date and we got to see Tangled!!!! Little Mermaid, step aside - I have found a new Disney favorite! Of course, there were a few iffy things (like Rapunzel hangs out with some drunky viking types who help her in their drunkness, and the point of the story is how she should rebel - interesting for 18 year olds, but not for 10 year olds!), but the things that I did like, I absolutly LOVED. The comedy was top notch, better than a lot (maybe most) of the comedies out there. LOTS of laugh out loud moments. Besides, I love Mandy Moore's voice, so loved the music too.

The guy's voice was Zachary Levi, the actor from Chuck who made his music debut with Katharine McPhee here:



If you don't like this, you have never loved :).

New Moms, Beware

<- Get this with The New Mom's Stress Survival Kit - highly recommend!!

Now that I've, ahem, graduated from the status of new mother to the glamourous (not :) position of a toddler's mom, I've got a few pointers for you, oh inexperienced fresh-out-of-the-hospital mommies. Preggos can benefit from these too, though you might want to enjoy blissful ignorance while you can.

So, a few things I'd avoid if I were you...

Scary Advisors

These are people that will tell you the baby will die if he/she eats something non-organic, become autistic if you turn on the tv, and have psychological issues if you go out on a date. Now, of course I'm exagerating here, so I'm not saying don't be careful, but I'm just saying, don't be scared all the time. Then you won't have time to enjoy the baby.

Super Mom Syndrome

You cannot, physically, be with your baby at all times while keeping a spotless house and looking like the cover of Parents magazine. I'm sorry. Please lower your expectations of yourself and what you think you're supposed to look like or achieve in a 24-hour period. This does not make you a failure; it makes you a more mature person who'd just discovered the value of rest. You will find your new, baby-friendly process of doing things, I promise.

c

Baby Isolation

I know, you love your baby; he/she's the best friend you ever had. Totally accepting when you emerge in the morning with your hair up and 2 days ago's makeup, dependent on you like no one else. It's good to feel needed, and heck, it's just addicting to hug our babies. But please remember, there are other people who love you. People who would love to get a call or email from you, just to remind them that you still care, and don't just have space for your baby in your heart. Which brings us to...

Marriage Amnesia

Remember, your husband? True, he looks even better as the father of your child, but he is, still, your husband. You're still supposed to go on dates with him, and enjoy his existence. I know, the baby takes out your heart, your soul and your body, but you'll just have to discover a way to love your husband in your new role. You're both different now; it doesn't have to be the same as pre-baby days. But he can be your shoulder to lean on, and someone to remind you that you're still pretty awesome by yourself, without a baby attached.

Dear Anti-Baby People

I understand I bore you with my non-stop baby talking. I understand my baby's poop or puke don't sound interesting, and truthfully, it doesn't sound interesting to me either. But I'm living it, and I have to talk about what I live.

I'd LOVE to have a super interesting, traveled and glamorous life that could wow everybody with my interesting subjects. Or, thinking again, maybe not. I DO enjoy my life. Imagine that. I stay at home ALL day taking care of a baby, and sometimes don't get out for a couple of days, but I can say I'm happy. I still have dreams of doing other stuff, but I am happy where I'm at.

Now, I'm glad you're happy where you're at (or I hope you are). You've chosen not to have kids right now, or you don't for whatever reason, but you're investing in yourself, and that's really what you should be doing. You have a freedom that I've forgotten how it felt like, and sometimes I even kinda live vicariously through you. So because of this I ask you:

Can you be happy that I'm happy?? While you're understandably bored by my baby talking, can you just be okay with the fact that I enjoy it? I'm okay with you venting about your latest adventure, when I can barely get out of the house, so can you just be happy for me, without asking me to tone it down?

Why I'm a Baking Convert

Notice that I say baking, not cooking - I still don't like cooking much, but just discovered I love baking. Ever since the cupcakes experiment for Melissa's party, I've been looking for more stuff to bake. So here are the benefits I'd found so far:

Perfect Airfreshner

No candle in the world will smell as good as something actually baking. Ok, it does depends on what you're baking, but you can't go wrong with anything chocolate.

Most Rewarding Exercise

Amazingly enough, I think I actually lost a couple of ounces ever since I started this. Turns out there's a lot of standing involved (and running around the grocery store).

This Apron

This would make my pajama-y stay at home outfits SO much more attractive.

Good Housekeeping Validation

Remember when I wanted to sue Good Housekeeping Magazine? I still kinda do, but baking makes me want to do it less. Suddenly the recipe pages don't look so daunting anymore. It's also nice to be able to answer to all the people that wonder what I do of productive besides just chasing/feeding/cleaning/entertaining/comforting a 1 year old - I BAKE!!! :D

Goodbye, Breastfeeding

<- First week: I'll get the hang of this, baby, I promise.

It was good while it lasted. Really, it was. Never mind my look of torture the first few months, or the first days of teething. Never mind my nervous breakdowns when I just wanted to go to bed, but had to pump first. And never mind my almost daily baths of squirted milk. It was all worth it, for a myriad of reasons.

The first one being the health of my baby, of course. The second, right after that, was the closeness to her. After the initial pain is done, all you feel is love and wonderful oxytocin hormones. Perfect to calm my new-mom stress. And the third (or maybe the 2.5 place) was the convenience. Once I got it down, it was way easier than preparing a bottle.

I breastfed my baby for a year. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I just typed that. I thought I wouldn't last a week. A day. This thing was SO incredibly hard, and I was so incredibly sore and stressed out after giving birth that I didn't think it was possible. I remember my doctor suggesting I do it for 6 months, or maybe a year, and I thought, yeah right. My butt still hurts from pushing this baby out, you want my niples to hurt too??

But yet, here we are. Thank you, super powerful pump that I rented from the hospital and used almost exclusively for the first month. Thank you, persistent hubby who kept putting the baby on my boob, even though I'd tell you to just let me sleep. Thank you, massive breastfeeding promotion out there, 'cause even though you've alienated some distressed mothers that could be better off not breastfeeding for whatever reason, for me you caused joy. Pain and suffering at first, of course, but pure joy afterwards. The joy of bonding and knowing I can feed my child just by being me. And now, the joy to say I'm done.

Party & Food Facts

<- I SO deserved that cupcake :).

Warning: this post will be random.

Especially for non-bloggers, who might not be used to the randomness of bloggin' world, and might expect something deep or amazing out of every post. Sorry to disappoint you.

But anyway, since I was too exhausted out of consciousness to really describe Melissa's party on my latest post, I decided to do it now:

- Melissa screamed in terror when she saw everyone (our tiny apartment was pretty full). She'd only calm down when we'd give her pizza.

- She did NOT like my chocolate cupcake!!!! My heart is broken forever. How can MY child not like chocolate? I had so much of it during pregnancy that I thought I'd give birth to a chocolate. Maybe I overdosed her already.

- I was kind of afraid to have so many toddlers (4) plus 2 babies plus Melissa at home, but I ended up loving it! So much cuteness around. And they were the ones that liked my cupcakes the most (minus Melissa).

- When the party began, I'd already been standing for hours cleaning the house/cleaning Melissa/putting Melissa down for a nap/baking cupcakes/icing cupcakes/decorating the house/etc. So by the time the first person came in, I was ready to go take a nap. Good thing my glorious cupcakes sustained me with sugar.

- It's been 3 days, but still haven't taken the balloons down or taken out the pink table cloth - then I think the magic will be over. And I don't want it to be over; it still motivates me to keep the house clean.

Now, more unrelated randomness:

I've been tagged!! Thanks, Amber (A Day in The Life of Amber). For those of you non-bloggers, it's when another blogger (which was previously tagged herself) sends you a bunch of questions, and then you're supposed to send those to whoever you want. Must sound silly to unblogging people, but to us it's awesome! :)

Anyway, here they go:

1. What is your favorite dessert?

Pretty much anything chocolate. The kind varies - now that it's cooler I'm craving baked stuff, warmed up in the microwave/oven for perfection.

2. Ever tried to cook something and failed miserably?

I'm not very daring in the kitchen (um, as if I was anywhere else), so I can't remember a tragic moment...

3. Is there a dish you haven't made yet but really want to?

I'd like to do a turkey one day. Maybe this Thanksgiving?? Not sure, it's too important of an occasion - like, if you ruin the turkey, you ruin Thanksgiving :). So I might just take the easy grocery store way.

4. What is your favorite food?

Brazilian is AMAZING - have you ever heard of churrascarias? If there's one where you live, GO - your life will never be the same. Unless you're a vegetarian.

5. What is your least favorite food?

Anything spicy. And I have a very, very LOW tolerance for spices. As in, pepperoni pizza is my limit.

6. Do you have any seasonal meals you like?

I'd been dreaming of last Thanksgiving's leftovers until very recently - had to remind myself this one's coming soon! :)

7. What's your comfort food?

Something warm and chocolaty.

8. Chocolate: milk, dark or white?

On a chocolate bar, milk all the way - dark is too rich, and white is, well, not chocolate. BUT those two can also work really well on other stuff, like rich fudge brownies (the milk ones just don't cut it), and white chocolate mocha (aaaaaaah).

Okay, so now that you know the depths of my food preferences (didn't that change your life?), it's time for me to tag people. So I taaaaaaag (drum rooll)....

- The Empress at Good Day Regular People

- Lori at Mommyfriend

- Mandi at Mandi Miller Blog

- Meg at O. is Me

- Adriel at The Mommyhood Memos

- Olivia at Two Tiny Tornadoes

- Julia at 2 Pouty Princesses

- Kim at Kimberly's Expressions & Mommyhood Craft Corner

Boy, it will take awhile for me to let all these people know... But the person who tagged me tagged 8, so I guessed that was the right number. Oh well... If you had a blog, you'd understand :).

I Have Survived My Kid's 1st Birthday

...and here are the pictures that prove it:

My leg are shaky, and my hands are sore from icing those cupcakes, but I have, indeed, survived. Now I'm going though post party depression - you know, when you think of all the things you could've done, but didn't. Like sitting down to actually enjoy the party. It was a lot of fun to share this milestone with friends that have become like family, but I just wish I wasn't too exhausted to have a productive conversation with them. It was like a wedding; an amazingly meaningful moment, that went by in a blur.

I just published this post with several post party depression thoughts, but now that I've rested a tiny bit, I think I have a different outlook. Truth is, party went GREAT. The cupcakes turned out delicious, and I felt very Betty Crocker-y making them. I know I could've bought some, but I wanted that feeling. This was my way of celebrating my baby's birthday. True, it left me broken at the end of the day (now), but the reason I wouldn't give up on it was because I loved doing it. I wanted to have this experience to the fullest, and I did. Hence my utter exhaustion.

Whenever something means so much to me, I always have post whatever depression. I always feel like I didn't do it completely right. There's always something I could've done different, or more, or less. Does any mom out there feels that way? Whenever people post about their babies' first birthday, it always sounds like everything went perfectly, and the mom feels perfect afterwards. So if there are any imperfect moms out there, please manifest yourself so I don't think I'm crazy.

ps: Amber, thanks for tagging me, yay - will do it on next post!

Meanwhile, in Melissa's World... Part 2

Now that I'm going to be 1, some things have got to change.

First of all, what's up with you wanting me to sleep all the time?? Yes, twice a day plus the entire night is ALL THE TIME. I don't have time for this. I have to learn how to walk. I do get tired from it though, but then you're supposed to rock me. That's it. Don't expect anything else to happen.

Then, you gotta get more creative on your games. Peekaboo? So last month. I still kinda like it, but you know me, you gotta shake it up a little every once in awhile. I get bored easily. Like your cellphone - it used to be so exciting closed, and now it HAS to be open AND on the pages that I want. Or else I'll SCREEEAAAAAM!!!! Until you give me cheerios.

Another thing that's gotta change is your obssession with my diaper. It's just fine, mom. A little poop is not gonna kill me. At least it's better than you laying me on my back (oh, the horror), and wiping my intimate areas (double horror). I'm a little girl, mom. Not a baby anymore. Gotta give me some respect. Or at least make it interesting - sing, dance, and make it good. Then I just might crack a smile.

It might seem like I'm cranky (why do you always think I'm cranky?), but I'm actually delighted I'm turning 1. Exploration has never been so easy for me. And talking seems so close I can taste it. I know a lot of words already that I just haven't learned to say yet, but I'm hoping my facial expressions will give you a hint.

One last thing... Give up on that plan to wean me off on my birthday. That's some birthday gift.

The Cool Mom Project

<-Enjoying some cool weather (pre-highlights :)

I want to be a cool mom. I don't mean a "hip" mom (though that wouldn't be bad either), but a cool headed mom. A mom that, even when the world is falling apart, is a safe rock.

I want my kid to see me as a place where she can cry, and I'll comfort her, not freak out. Someone that can give her advice without adding worries, but taking them away. I want her to feel like I'll calm her enough so she can make the right decisions, and not add more pressure. Of course I'll want to push her in the right direction, but I don't want her to feel like I'm a walking lecture. In other words, I want to be a place where she can cool off.

A book called The Parent You Want to Be by Les and Leslie Parrott says that "who you are matters more than what you do". They mean that though the things you do as a parent are very important, even more crucial than that is the way your child perceives you. Do they see you as a happy/sad parent? Stressed out? Workaholic? Yeller? Or maybe passive?

Watching Melissa imitate nearly EVERYTHING I do (within her baby capabilities) has opened my eyes to this. I notice a change in her when I'm stressed out. I also noticed it when I'm more laid-back. She watches me, and learns from me about how to live life. And I don't know about you, but I want my daughter to be cool.

How to Unfrump Yourself

Not that I've succeeded yet (at least as much as needed). I'm just coming up with ideas, so if you have any, you're welcome to add more!

1- Highlight Yourself
Check - just did them Sunday:

What I mean is, pump your style up a bit. I'm usually more in favor of natural-looking color than crazy special effects, and loved it when people thought my redish brown was natural (nope, it's a bit darker). But the reason why I did this was because I couldn't stand looking at the mirror and just seeing a mom anymore. I needed something that said, "hey, I spent some time on myself, so I must exist besides the baby." If you don't want to change your hair, a new lipstick might rock your world just as much.

2- Trust Yourself
All throughout the day I'd been thinking things like, "This house is a mess - I don't know how to clean a house"; "Melissa is cranky - I don't know how to make her happy"; "I feel overwhelmed - I'm the worst time manager ever." Without realizing, I was paralyzing myself with the fear of failure, or believing I'd already failed. So lately I've been trying to be like, "This corner is messy - then I shall clean it up"; "Melissa is cranky - there must be a reason, or else it's naptime (yay)"; "I feel overwhelmed - I shall eat some chocolate".

3- Amuse Yourself
The other day, Melissa puked 3 times before noon. Of course it drove me crazy, but after I thought of telling this to David when he'd get home, I laughed. I mean, she already needed a bath before her morning naptime, which made her sleep for about 3 hours, by the way. If every puke means an hour of sleep, I say, bring 'em on :).

The Final Countdown (to Melissa's Birthday)

Melissa's birthday is exactly 2 weeks away!!!! Woooohooooooooo (doing a little dance since she's napping as well) :D

I never imagined myself with a 1 year old. I mean, of course I dreamed about it, but only the last couple of days it actually feels real to me. One of the reasons is this:

She's got earrings!!!! Her first bling!! I'm so friggin' proud that I don't even know what to do with myself. It's not just about the earrings, you guys. It's a milestone that we talked about doing around her first birthday, and now I can't believe it's here. She looks so grown up with those sparkly little things. Don't tell me she looks the same - that would make you a heartless person (and probably not a parent :).

Uh oh, I think someone's waking up now... Gotta go attend to princess Melissa - who's getting her way more than ever now with her growing good looks.

Why Motherhood is Not For Sissies

<- WARNING: Don't watch this movie before you have a baby - it might be scary (though if you're like me, you won't resist). But if you watch it afterwards, you'll nod your head in delight that you're a survivor.

Heavy Lifting

I can't believe I used to think Melissa was heavy when she was born, at 7lbs. Now, when I hold newborns, it feels like paper. At least what doesn't break you makes you stronger - though it does break your back, but you'll definitely get strong enough to hold a 19 lbs person while putting on make-up/sweeping the floor/preparing her bath.

Heavy Puking

Okay, do I need to elaborate? This is the part of every parenting book that I used to skip, thinking, "maybe I'll be the luckiest mom in the world, and it won't happen to me"... Well, that would make me the first mom in the world that wouldn't experience this on a regular basis. But eventually you learn how to avoid it (most of the time), or at least direct it to any other direction that's not you, the baby, or the carpet (which might mean some inocent toy hanging around).

Heavy. Period.

Haha not "heavy period" (that's a whole different topic :). But the scale and I have not been good friends ever since I became an anxious pregnant lady that could only be calmed by loads of chocolate. My calming drug of choice now? Brownies (hence the several mentions on previous posts). So I know I'm to blame for my heaviness, but ultimately it all comes down to motherhood. Before the pregnancy, I was addicted to a protein bar, believe it or not. Motherly anxiety triggered me go back to my evil ways.

So there you have it. If you are pregnant, prepare to enter a jungle, that will make you happier than you've ever been (don't judge by the first crazy days, I'll ask you later :), but a jungle nevertheless. Sorry, having a hard week (in case you haven't noticed).

I Want to Be a Real Housewife of Somewhere

<- NY are my favorites - they make me laugh more and show less boobs :)

No, I don't want cameras following me or any drama - but I am admiting to be jealous of how easy their lives seem to be. Of course I'm under "the other grass is always greener" effect - I know they have MAJOR issues, despite how rich they are. But I want their carefreeness. I want the spark that their lives seem to have, minus the crazy.

I wonder if spark and crazy go hand in hand, though? I know I'm generalizing, but I think people that get everything VERY easy tend to be more oblivious about their own faults. Like, it's hard to see you're shallow if you can have whatever you want. It's also hard to see you don't care about people if everyone caters to you.

Of course this is also jealous me speaking; I only wish I even had enough money to have half of their issues. Ok, let me rephrase that - I don't want any of their issues. Some of them are too messed up even for me to watch. And I'd hate to live in that bubble where everyone has to look and act fabulous all the time. I love it that my friends love me even with no make up, a spit up on my shirt and too much exhaustion to have an intelligent conversation. But I guess I just want those crazy rich ladies' confidence; the way they truly do believe they've got it together. I could use some of that, but it's kinda hard without a personal stylist on call.

5 Awesome Autumn Things

<- We love Autumn :)

1- Melissa's Birthday
I absolutly love, love, LOVE that from now on, getting colder will mean that Melissa's birhtday is coming up. Halloween was never too exciting for me (remember, I'm from Brazil, so it's not big over there), but THIS is a celebration worth dressing up my kid in a funny costume and eating lots of sugar.

2- Ugly Sweaters
Who, like myself, loves an ugly sweater?? They happen to be the most comfortable, and when it's really cold, people won't look at you funny (much :). I've heard of the idea of an "ugly sweater party", and I HAVE to do that one day. Who's in??

3- Orange Stuff
I usually don't like orange, but there's something about Fall that makes it look warm, cozy and magical. Like the world turns into a gigantic fireplace.

4- Trees That Match My Lipstick

Kinda, doesn't it? (L'Oreal Toasted Almond, FYI)


5- Cookie-Smelling Candles
So you don't have to eat the cookie. That way you can eat your brownie guilt-free :).

Stay-At-Home Momisms

<- If only :)...

- Missing talking to an adult, though not having any adult subject to talk about;

- Watching "Days of Our Lives" (or anything equally cheesy) to get your mid off of diapers;

- Gathering up the strength to clean the house at night, only to see it destroyed again in the morning;

- Making plans for what to do during nap time, but when it comes, being too happy doing nothing to move;

- Laughing at how hard you thought you worked at a regular job (and then crying);

- Counting the hours - no, minutes - to nap time;

- Eating at odd times (whenever the baby naps/is distracted);

- Letting the cartoons take over at the end of the day, when you've reached your limit;

- Putting make up on so you won't scare the baby (or the hubby);

- Having the tv on "for company" (but making sure the baby isn't hypnotised);

- Having to explain to hubby all the home and baby care procedures you've carefully developed;

- Being amazed that hubby doesn't instinctively know all these procedures (even though it took you several days of trial and error to develop them);

- Watching your baby change before your eyes;

- Having the strange, but wonderful sensation that you had long, deep conversations with your baby through babbling;

- Just understanding babbling at the end of the day;

- Becoming too attached to the baby to care :).

I Can Get No Satisfaction

My latest 2 posts have been about sicknesses and body issues, so pardom me for adding another one...

Our always active and smiley and independent girl has a fever AND is teething. So instead of making me chase her around the house, she now screams if I move an inch away from her. LOVE the cuddling, not gonna lie, but I still feel so bad that she's sicky.

The funny thing is, even though she's not at her best, I can still see her developing at an amazing rate. Her face is even more defined than in this picture. She's becoming more and more her own little person, so fast it scares me, in the best way :).

One more random thought: I just realized I'm never satisfied. At least not for long. When we got married, I loved our tiny 1-bedroom, but soon I wanted something bigger. Then I got pregnant, we moved into a 2-bedroom, and I enjoyed it for like, 5 seconds. Soon I was desperate (to the point of tears) to have the baby out of me AND move into a house. Now that I got the baby, I want the house asap. I'm getting jealous of pregnant women too, but I have yet to discern if these are true baby yearnings or just my usual dissatisfaction.

At first I thought this was because I needed the thrill of looking forward to something, but now I think I just need the thrill of something. Looking forward to it can actually drive me crazy - I am NOT good with waiting. I want it right here, right now. Then I want something else. NOW. Does that make me weird (as in, a nice word for high maintenance :)?

That's why Melissa is so good for me. She teaches me to appreciate the moment. It helps that she's in CONSTANT change - I don't need to wait long for the next cute thing she's gonna do. So at the same time that I'm eager for her to be a teenager and we can do our nails together, I'm forever entertained by her new discoveries. She also seems to want something new every minute. She gets SUPER excited with a toy, laughing histerically for 30 seconds, and then she's done. On to the next wonder. If only my wishes were that easily satisfied.

The Things I Suffer For Motherhood

<- That's exactly how my stomach looks like. Suuure.

For any of you that might think my motherhood experience is all rosy-colored, judging by how adorable my daughter is, I'm here to disclose a dark side known only by few. I don't even think anybody knows it to the extent that my poor husband does, and that's just because he experiences it in full.

No, I'm not talking about mood swings (though of course I've had those too, but I promise I don't torture him, much). I'm talking about what hubby and I have nicknamed "the gas attacks". And I'm not talking about farts either (how dare you think such things of dainty me! :). I'm talking about a horrible, horrible, desperately horrible feeling whenever I eat any more than my stomach can, you know, stomach.

Ever since the pregnancy, it seems like it has a high sensitivity to fullness - too much of it, I mean. You know when it's lunch/dinner time, and you're already kinda full for whatever reason, but you eat anyway because your significant other does? Before the pregnancy, I could give myself that luxury, but now, it's a REALLY, REALLY BAD IDEA. I'm not talking about just a stomach ache, you people. I'm talking about utter pain, with epilesy like movements (but voluntary, of course, in a desperate attempt to stop the pain somehow).

It's totally comparable to labor pain. I actually think I'd rather be in labor than go through this, because at least there's a baby in the end, instead of just plain, dumb gas. So I wiggle myself, screaming or whispering of pain (in a very scary way for my poor husband), until the gas is finally burped out and I can breathe again. It's disheartening to see the helpless look in his face.

Tonight, I had one right in front of Wallgreens, and I could see him turning every color as people passed by. When we got home, I went to take a hot shower (frequently the only remedy), while he went to give Melissa her last feeding. Problem: she still doesn't take formula much, and there was no breastmilk available. I took my shower, got better (after AWHILE), then actually enjoyed having a few moments to myself very much. After I was done, he was still putting her to sleep, and then he got out of her room looking like he just went through war. Poor thing - I get to go relax and he has to go deal with the aftermath of my gas problems. Seriously, I have the most wonderful husband in the world.

So marry right, people - just good looks won't get you this, it's gotta be a true sensitive and caring person to have your back like this (literally - his back massages saved me at Wallgreens!). And childless people, don't freak out thinking this will happen to your stomach if you have a baby; I've never, ever heard of this before. It's just because it's me - and because I have such a amazing husband who can handle it.

It's The Baby's Fault

Don't you love using this efficient little line, new parents? I know we do. But this week, it was true - we ALL got sick because of Melissa. After spending a whole day cleaning snot out of her little nose (sorry for painting this pretty picture on your mind), I was a complete wreck. I got dizzy, weak, achy, yucky and so congested I could hardly breathe. Hubby was next; it was A LOT of fun to go through this while he was too sick to help me, let me tell you. Even more fun was Melissa's whinning and constant snot producing, though I was more sorry for her than grossed out. Amazing how your kid's boogers become like your boogers - well, not exactly, but definitely better than anyone else's boogers!

Now that I'm done talking about boogers and snots and yuckinesses, let's talk about the happy stuff. My nephew was born!! I already have 2 nieces, from my oldest sister, and now my middle sister just had her first baby!! We're so excited it's a boy because we kind of have an overpopulation of women in our family. He was born precisely the day I felt the sickest, but that was a very good distration for me (on the times I could think straight).

I'm so excited now ALL my sister and I are mommies - this totally ads a whole new dimension to our bond. When you become a parent, you realize the simple excuse "it's the baby's fault" (for not being able to go somewhere or do something) only sounds like an excuse to childless people. Your life becomes so full, and it's equally wonderful and exhausting. So any day you can have the chance of doing (or not doing) whatever you want, you should be allowed to take it. No questions asked.

But answering your question (if you were kind enough to ask), yes, we are doing much better now. Not 100% back to normal (our voices are hoarse and our kleenexes are plenty), but at least we're a happy family once again. We're still laying low though, not sure of when we'll be joining society just yet - and of course it's totally the baby's fault.

Melissaisms

- Gummy grin

- Purring like a cat

- Eating cheerios from the floor like a dog

- Licking us like a dog

- Pouting and throwing fits like a teenager

- Clapping and "singing along" (if "aaaaaah" counts) to Veggie Tales songs

- Being pooped and/or hungry at the most inconvenient of times

- Waking up precisely when I sit down with a brownie

- Eating EVERYTHING (not limited to food)

- Making us laugh when we're not supposed to (like in an immigration office)

- Playing the "hugging game" (hug mommy, then hug daddy, then mommy, then daddy...)

- Playing with her hair when she's sleepy

- Squealing as a way of communicating ANYTHING

- Being pretty much the most awesome 10 and a half month old kid in the world :).

I Sue You, "Good Housekeeping"!!!

<- She looks tired...

I'm in between personalities right now. I used to be a faithful reader of Glamour (the only magazine I could find for 20-somethings that doesn't presume we're perverts), even had a subscription for awhile. Then, I became a mom, and suddenly articles about how to better party with your girlfriends seemed kinda unrealistic to me. I still have fun with my girlfriends, don't get me wrong - we just talk more about our babies' poop than about what's "in" on fashion these days.

So there I went, in search for a magazine that better suited my new point of view... "Parents" comes close, but fails for 2 reasons; one, it talks more about dealing with older kids, and not so much about babies (though you can still find some good info); and two, it's just about parenthood. Which is great and necessary and well put together and all, but most of the time, when I want to read a magazine, I want to remember who I am besides a parent. I want to think of lip gloss. Of my daily questionings of what to do with my life as a woman. Of some celebrity I'm curious about (and how she deals with her daily questionings of what to do with her life as a woman). Gossip magazines are too celebrity oriented (though not below me, I admit), so they're still not identifiable enough. I wanted something that sounded like "me".

Of course, this led me to Good Housekeeping (ok, you can laugh now. This sounds so like me. Not). All the home organizing tips are a little over my head, but I have to say, it does inspire me to be a better housekeeper. You know, there's something about seeing glossy pictures of pretty women acting like cleaning their bathroom is the most exciting thing in the world, and it kinda helps my brain accept the idea. Maybe what I like about it too is feeling proud of myself that I have a household and a family to take care of - you know, that feeling that you have grown up. Just taking the initiative to buy this magazine makes me feel like I've already arrived somewhere.

Which brings me to the point of why I want to sue them. Inspired by reading it the night before, I woke up yesterday wanting to become a true competent housekeeper. I used Melissa's naps (which were shorter than usual, by the way - it's like she knows) to sweep and wipe floors, wash dishes, and even do laundry in between. Nothing wrong with that, right? Things that any decent wife and mother should be doing, right?

Well, whether it is or not, it was a BIG MISTAKE. My entire body hurt so bad the end of the day that I felt nauseated. It hurt to turn my body in any direction. And before you call me a wuss, I have been exercising for 20 min. (sometimes 40) daily for a few weeks now! I didn't even do that yesterday, so I couldn't understand why my body was throwing such a fit. I cried, not because I was sad, but in a desperate effort to force it to relax. Isn't it crazy?

So now, there you go body, the house is dirty. And it will remain that way today. I will not have you torture me once again. Good Housekeeping sold me FALSE ADVERTISING that if I cleaned up I'd look like Mariska Hargitay on the cover, but I bet she has people that do it for her. So I'd rather be happy and messy, than clean and miserable, thank you very much.

Hope When Things Suck

Life sucks sometimes. I'm not writing this because mine does - it actually kinda rocks right now, and it's in these moments of peace that you look back and have some perspective about your latest sucky moments, wishing you knew then what you know now. But while it's happening, it pretty much sucks.

There are moments that you look around and there's nothing, nothing that will make you feel better. I'm an analizer, so when I'm not able to analize myself out of a situation (or out of being hurt), I feel like I'm in a bad dream. I don't deal well with uncertainty or confusion. I think I'm getting better at letting stuff roll off my back though - motherhood has a way of tougheningup your skin. Must be your baby's cute face that makes you forget everything else. But back to my point, there are moments that you just don't know where to look. Your only options are to look down - sink in - or to look up.

Listening to the radio today, a song quoted Psalm 121 ("I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth"), and it reminded me of those times. I've always known those verses, and even thought they sounded a little too "out there" to truly make me feel better in a moment of desperation. But I finally get it now.

Sometimes, God allows bad stuff to happen to force us to look up. Key word, allow - He doesn't make bad people do bad stuff, but He gives everyone free will, but this doesn't mean He's not still in control. If He allowed something to happen, is because He's going to do something with it. I've learned not to underestimate His ability to turn crap into treasure :).

So next time the world sucks, try looking up. This might be the only way God can get you to reach higher.

Other cool verses:

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)

"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

How Not To Lose Your Mind In 10 Months

Here's what you do when your baby reaches the milestone of 10 months and you're tired of chasing her around:

Cry

Or laugh histerically, whatever your emotions crave. But not in front of the kid - you don't want to traumatize her. The point is to find some time in the day to just feel whatever it is you're feeling.

Obsess

On the positive, that is. I won't tell you not to obsess - because, if you're a mom, we all know that's impossible. But it will do wonders for your spirit if you obsess over her birthday party than over the piece of paper she just ate from the floor.

Create

If I keep my creative juices flowing, I'm much more adaptable with her constant changes. And this is coming from a person who LOVES routines. So go create something, girlfriend - a recipe, a scrapbook, a new work out (the Hip Hop Body Shop video is so much fun!!). Unless creating is not what floats your boat - then go mop the floors or something.

Refresh

Everyday, try to do a little something that used to make you feel good before you had a baby. For me, it's using a cake-smelling body wash. In the beginning, I was afraid to enjoy showering too much, as if there wasn't a baby waiting for me. Don't fall into this trap; you have to enjoy yourself. This is, like, one of the first rules of good motherhood - right after keeping the baby happy.

My Latest Existential Crisis

I'm a big reality tv junkie, and one of my favorites is The Rachel Zoe Project. Yes, she is unhealthily obssessed with fashion, to the detriment of her family time, but I find myself jealous of her passion. That she has found something that rocks her world this much, and is successful at it. This concept fascinates me, and I want some of it to rub off on me.

Reading what I just wrote, it kinda weirded me out - I do not want that crazy life, and I am very happy raising my daughter, thank you very much. It's not that I'd rather work than do what I do. It's that, at the same time that I feel so fulfilled and accomplished in my mommy life, I don't feel that way so much in my career life (or lack thereof). I've never had a "big" job (just a bunch of assistant this, assistant that), and, 5 years after graduating college, I think that's kind of embarrassing. I know it's honorable to live for your daughter, and I am satisfied, but I just wonder if I'll feel empty once she starts school. Like, when they ask her, "what does your mom do?" What will she say? That I feed her, do squats in front of her, pretend-clean the house and then watch tv?

I know I'm minimizing the work of a stay at home mom, and we do do A LOT. I'm wiped out at the end of every day. But it's not about the worth of this that I'm talking about - it's about me as a person. If I'll feel like I haven't invested anything in myself when my kids all go to college. Then what? Will I redirect my focus on demanding grandchildren?

I'm sorry for the existential crisis, I just felt like blogging and this is what's been on my mind the last couple of minutes (after watching a Rachel Zoe episode on demand). The next couple minutes might bring a whole new set of neurosis, so stay tuned!

Random Mommy & Baby News

Random Mommy News:

I'm happy to report that, after almost 10 months of motherhood, I've FINALLY had my first (successful) pants purchase. I mean regular pants, that aren't even maternity ones!! WOOHOOO!!!

I've tried a few since Melissa was born, but they always felt funny, and/or killed me at the waist everytime I sat, or breathed. But I couldn't believe how comfortable these felt! I got them at New York & Company (and should probably charge them for the advertising):

I wish I looked this fabulous on them, but they did look MUCH better than my worn out pregnancy jeans. I'm SO happy I won't be wearing them at Melissa's 1st birthday!! I'm 2 sizes bigger than I used to be though, but they fit, so I'm not complaining!

Random Baby News:

If you've been reading my blog, you know that Melissa's picky self will NOT tolerate any formula. Not even an ounce in like a million ounces of breastmilk; nada. And this has been making me nervous about transitioning her to cow milk when she's 1, wondering if she'd ever take that. BUT I found this wonderful new formula for older babies:Which doesn't smell gross like the other ones! I mean, not as gross, but it looks and tastes exactly like Leite Ninho - the brazilian powdered milk my sisters and I drank when we were little. So true to her mom's genes, Melissa drank it! I was SO, SO excited, thinking I'd start my boob-freedom even sooner, until she threw the whole thing up. WHYYYYYYY????? It was too good to be true. I called her doctor (not because of that, but because she'd been puking on us often - sorry if TMI), but I mentioned that and they told me to try again in a week, that maybe her stomach just isn't used to it. Wouldn't that be wonderful?? So please send your prayers and happy thoughts!

The random news are now done. I could have other random stuff to talk about, but I must save material for other posts. Leave a comment if you read this far!!

God's Guide to Having a Fit

NOT that I'm claiming to be God's voice or anything like that - and as I mentioned on this post, I don't usually talk about my faith on this blog. But every once in awhile I'm just in the mood, so you'll have to bear with me.

I was thinking that many people (including Christians) can have the impression that Christians aren't allowed to be angry. Or upset. Or just plain frustrated. We're supposed to endure everything quietly, just like Jesus endured the cross. But we forget that Jesus himself caused a revolution right before that, becoming very frustrated several times in the process. And he wasn't afraid to let people know!

I think there is a difference, though, in being rightfully frustrated, or being just a pain. Like I heard someone say, "don't be a porcupine - someone with a lot of very good points, but no one wants to be around them" :). Isn't it genious?? What good is it to be right, when you're so annoying that no one wants to listen to you anyway?

Like in Jonah's story - God told him to go tell some horrible people that if they didn't repent, they'd die. So they did, and then Jonah was all upset because he didn't want them to be forgiven. It was when God told him, "Have you any right to be angry?" (Jonah 4:4) In other words, "hey, you're not thinking straight here. I know you don't want them to get away with it, but this is people who can't tell their right hand from their left [not paraphrasing this part]. They don't know what they're doing, and I don't want them to die, as much as I don't want you to die. So nope, you don't get to throw a fit."

I think that God's "fit" is the kind that prompts positive change, and is for the good of everybody, not just for your need to vent. I don't think it's a sin to be frustrated, it's a human emotion, but what we do with it is what counts. It might be that we just didn't get our chocolate of the day, or it might be a sign that something bigger needs to change.

My Bucket List ('Til The Next Kid)

**Took image away because I wasn't sure if I could use it :(. Will try to replace it soon!**

Okay, it does sound a little too tragic to call this a "bucket list" - as if, by the time I have my next kid, my life will be over. Well, but life as I know it will. Currently, when I finally get Melissa to take a nap (which is harder and harder these days), I get to go check my email, eat chocolate or stare at nothing in blissful silence. I'm REALLY afraid of what it will be like when I have one more kid.

As I've already mentioned here, we've "scheduled" our next pregnancy for next year (because we don't want them to be too far apart in age), so I don't have much more time left. These are the things that I wish to accomplish before my next labor (oy, it hurts me just to think about it):

De-Puff
I have no unrealistic expectations of returning to my pre-pregnancy body - I have complete conscience that some parts have changed forever. And it's not all bad, it's just different. Takes some getting used to. But my goal is to "de-puff" as much as possible and feel comfortable in clothes again (hence latest post).

De-Cow
It would be nice to stop milking myself for a solid year before another baby's attached to my boob. I REALLY want to wean Melissa off when she turns one, but still kinda clueless about how... She is eating more solids, though - and sometimes I can distract her with food before she wants to nurse - but to go to sleep, she's pretty much dependent on me. I know you shouldn't stop all of a sudden, but how do you do it gradually??

De-Clutter
By then Melissa will be a little older, and I'm afraid I'm not setting up an example of cleanliness so far...

De-Stress
I hereby promise, promise, promise that I'll be a less stressed out preggo next time. Or at least less stressed out about being stressed out.

The Couch Potato Work Out

I admit: I'm a couch potato mom. Which is a mom that loves to play with her daughter, but as soon as she's done (or said daughter is entertained by something else), is back at her beloved couch.

At this post, I had wrongfully assumed that working out was harmful to my motherhood (or wifehood). Indeed, panting on a treadmill does not do any good for my ability to hold Melissa or communicate with my husband afterwards. But I realized that, amazingly, there is a way for me to exercise at my own rythm, leaving me more energized than worn out.

Oh gosh, I can't believe I just wrote those words. I sound like some work out video person, which I'm SO not. But I have noticed a pattern in my life that I function MUCH better if I do things in my own rythm/way. Like pushing Melissa out, for example. The "cheerleader" nurses counting on my ear drove me crazy. I tried their way for almost 3 hours, and nothing. Then I decided to ignore them, pushing and breathing whenever felt right (whether they told me to or not), and Melissa was born in 15 minutes. See, I might look clueless, but I know what I'm doing!

Now back to exercising. It's hard to believe, but before I got pregnant, I actually did go to the gym for a couple of months. I still kinda remembered the exercises the instructor had me do outside of the machines, so I decide to just do them on the floor while Melissa played. I was amazed at how easy it was! This was SO much better to do without having killed myself in the treadmill beforehand. And Melissa loved having mommy close doing crazy movements.

I'm not going to try to explain these exercises to you, because I'm not a gym instructor, and if I tried you'd all send me your chiropractor bills. But I do abs, squats, and couple others that I don't know the name. It takes me 15 minutes tops to finish the whole thing (that's counting on Melissa climbing me/making me chase her half the time), but I have been doing this EVERY SINGLE DAY since last Tuesday. And amazingly, it does give me more energy! Imagine that - exercise had always been a cause of weariness for me, not of energy. The strech afterwards also helps my sore baby-carrying muscles.

Do you recognize me now?? I'm so proud of myself!! Even if I'm sure I'm NOT doing them right - you know, the posture, and all - but who cares. I'm moving for 15 minutes everyday, so that's gotta count to something, right? RIGHT??

How Not To Plan Your Baby's 1st Birthday

<- Melissa's head on her birthday bee costume :)

When I'd read other moms blog about their kid's first birthday, I'd think, "Ha! I'm NEVER going to get this carried away." I bet I'd never feel like a needed a special outfit, or invite over 40 people. "So silly", I'd think. "The child won't remember it. It's all for the vain, silly mommy."

Well, today, I am this vain silly mommy. This has even kept me up at night. I mean, how?? Couldn't I just get a cake from Safeway and call it a day? Absolutely not. This isn't just a birthday - it's a celebration that we've survived one full year of baby caring. And considering we live far from our families, it's HUGE accomplishment.

So while this whole party planning is kicking my butt, I'm here to share with you what has NOT worked for me so far... So that you, my several pregnant friends, can avoid these in the future (though of course, if any actually works for you, rock on :).

Inviting the ENTIRE World
I was surprised my initial list was well over 40 people - and I'd thought it was funny when I read some other mom saying she'd invited this many. Now, I don't know what to do with all the friends we care about (thank goodness, there's a lot of them). You know those cases - if you invite one, then you need to invite this other, and the list goes on... So, if you happen not to get an invitation, PLEASE don't take it personally - take it as a testimony of how tiny our apartment is.

Spending Too Much
No, I did not spend too much, yet. But I thought about it. Oh yes, I did. If I was rich, I'd go all out decorating every space of our walls, maybe even hire entertainment for the kids, and for sure really nice favors for everyone. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I was tempted to get annoyed at this, but remembered that if we filled our small apartment too much, we'd all have to come out.

Forgetting How You Function
Worried about my long list of potential invitees, I wondered if we should do this somewhere else. Like the park (bugs), or the Little Gym (expensive), or even ChuckeCheese (would completely ruin my bee-vision for the party). Then I had an epiphany - even if we could fit more people, I don't want it to be a humongous event. I don't want to spend the entire party trying to make everybody comfortable when I'm not. I'm an introvert who just happens to talk a lot when given the opportunity, but an introvert neverthless. Too many people can drive me crazy, even if I love them all. So again, if I don't invite you, please don't doubt my love. And pray that we have a house with a huge yard one day.

Growing Joy

It's happening. Our family is growing. No, I'm not pregnant - that's for next year. But David and I are growing as parents, and our little Melissa Joy is becoming more of a little girl and less of a baby.

When I was pregnant, I dreamed more of the interaction with her than with holding a baby. From the first moment, I couldn't wait till she'd grow so we could chat. I hear some moms get sad about their kid's 1st birthday, a little nostalgic of when they were smaller, but not me. I'm SO excited she's growing. I've even laughed out of joy by myself because of it. That is in the midst of sleep deprivation and back pain for chasing a crawler. Yes, my body suffers, but I'm so ecstatic that her head looks bigger than it did yesterday that it seriously makes up for everything.

Maybe it's the fact that she understands me more, and vice versa. Or that now she can eat whatever I'm eating, and that means I don't have to splatter baby food all over both of us. Or maybe that we're closer to getting pedicures together. I try to reason my sudden giddiness when I'm by myself, but I still can't pinpoint why. But then again, it might also be that I'm finally by myself.

My Baby Stole My Brain

A child takes a lot from you - your time, your patience, or your right to meditate in the bathroom. But one thing you may not expect your baby to take is your brain. Sometimes I feel like Melissa stole my intelligence; like she needed my ability to finish a sentence so she could learn how to speak. Don't despair though, oh you future parents - the main reason for this is that you're too in love with your child to function. Or, you're too tired to remember how the outside world functions.

Like this past Friday, when I went to see a movie with my super fun mommy friend Nancy. We both felt like fugitives, and were so stoked to have a break from our babies and diaper bags that we got into the wrong movie. It was my fault: I read the 13 on "PG13" and thought it was the number where we were supposed to go. So we watched a few minutes of an Indian movie with subtitles, wondering when Angelina Jolie (as "Salt") was going to come and kill everybody.

I'm sure I could mention many other mommy-brain moments, if my mommy brain functioned enough to remember. I only have flashes of memory of nodding to what someone said that I wasn't supposed to nod to, or stopping mid-sentence without any idea of how I started it (this is a recurring one). Thankfully, being socially witty is not on the top of my priorities right now. I know that as soon as the world sees Melissa's cuteness, all will be forgotten.

All The Pregnant Ladies

I think I kinda have an obssession with posting advice for future mothers. I can't help it - my sister's pregnant, as well as 3 dear friends of mine (and there might be more that I don't remember, they seem to be multiplying). And maybe it's my secret desire to go back in time and shake myself out of my clueslessness (or let myself know such clueslessness is ok).

So this is what I'd say to old pregnant me:

You Are NOT Huge

I know you feel like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float, but it's all baby. Ok, maybe it's not all baby, but the people that see you can't tell that easily. I know it's hard to believe, but they just see the "miracle of life" when they look at you. The baby took over your whole body (including arms and butt), as far as they're concerned. And anyway, you'll be amazed of how much water weight you'll lose once he/she's out.

You ARE Ready

I remember when I was about to walk down the aisle to get married, I panicked 'cause I couldn't believe I could've possibly planned enough. It just seemed impossible there was nothing left to do, except get married. I think we experience this kind of feeling all over again with motherhood - like there's nothing we can do that can be ever enough for your child. And that's true, there isn't. But it's not about things - YOU are enough.

Yes, You WILL Have a Pretty Baby

Am I the only one who secretly wondered if I was going to like the way my baby looked? I knew I'd love her even if she had 4 ears, but seeing her inherit mommy's stick-out ears made me feel like tearing up. Of course the rest of her is beyond gorgeous too, but what I mean is that it's so amazing to see a little person that is a piece of you that trust me, you'll fall in love with your baby. It's like the same thrill of falling in love with your significant other, only motherly.

DON'T Expect the Worst

My crazy pregnant brain thought that if I assumed the worst, then I'd be pleasantly surprised when something good happened, and not disappointed if it didn't. What's wrong with this thinking is that you never ever enjoy where you're at. You're constantly worried, in a "pre-partum" depression. And then you miss out on what I think is the most fun part of being pregnant - the thrill of anticipation. So go ahead, expect thet best - you already have something really good going on right now.

Hello... Is It Me You're Looking For?

When God sings you a song from the 80's

Not too sound cheesy, but everybody is looking for something, aren't we? It's like we're always under the impression that if we get more - success, acceptance, things, or in my case, sleep - we'll be happier. And then, when it doesn't work, we wonder if that means we're supposed to get even more than what we thought.

I confess I'm an eager mother. I have to remind myself to just enjoy the way Melissa is right now, and not just dream of when she grows, or how much cooler it would be if I could buy her more toys. Why is it so hard for us to just chill and be happy?

Aside from the "Life Motto" on the right of this page, I haven't said anything about my faith. But now, I thought it would be the time to change that. I want to tell you why I believe those verses - and what keeps me sane through the craziness of motherhood.

A lot of people go to church or call themselves Christians for different reasons. For many it's a matter of tradition; they're looking for that nice family time, for a chance to stop and think happy thoughts before they start their week. For others, it's a guilt issue. They think that, if they don't go to church and pray and all that, they'll go to hell. Maybe they're looking for acceptance, or security.

But it made me laugh inside when I thought that God might be singing to all of us: "Hello, is it Me you're looking for? / I can see it in your eyes / I can see it in your smile [or lack thereof] / You're all I've ever wanted / And my arms are open wide / 'Cause [I] know just what to say / And [I] know just what to do / And I want to tell you so much / I love you."