Friday, August 27, 2010

My Latest Existential Crisis

I'm a big reality tv junkie, and one of my favorites is The Rachel Zoe Project. Yes, she is unhealthily obssessed with fashion, to the detriment of her family time, but I find myself jealous of her passion. That she has found something that rocks her world this much, and is successful at it. This concept fascinates me, and I want some of it to rub off on me.

Reading what I just wrote, it kinda weirded me out - I do not want that crazy life, and I am very happy raising my daughter, thank you very much. It's not that I'd rather work than do what I do. It's that, at the same time that I feel so fulfilled and accomplished in my mommy life, I don't feel that way so much in my career life (or lack thereof). I've never had a "big" job (just a bunch of assistant this, assistant that), and, 5 years after graduating college, I think that's kind of embarrassing. I know it's honorable to live for your daughter, and I am satisfied, but I just wonder if I'll feel empty once she starts school. Like, when they ask her, "what does your mom do?" What will she say? That I feed her, do squats in front of her, pretend-clean the house and then watch tv?

I know I'm minimizing the work of a stay at home mom, and we do do A LOT. I'm wiped out at the end of every day. But it's not about the worth of this that I'm talking about - it's about me as a person. If I'll feel like I haven't invested anything in myself when my kids all go to college. Then what? Will I redirect my focus on demanding grandchildren?

I'm sorry for the existential crisis, I just felt like blogging and this is what's been on my mind the last couple of minutes (after watching a Rachel Zoe episode on demand). The next couple minutes might bring a whole new set of neurosis, so stay tuned!


Steph said...

I know what you mean here too. I have a business management degree and have no management experience to speak of. I'm currently unemployed, and I'm really lacking an interest in anything. I know I love animals, but I'm allergic to dogs and cats. So, my idea of volunteering at animal shelters always ends badly when I walk through the door.

I also LOVE celebrity gossip. It's the one topic my mind actually retains. I can easily remember who's in what movie or who's hooking up with someone. History, news headlines, movie plots - those are things that I easily forget. That being said, reading celebrity gossip isn't going to spark a career.

I'm at a loss.

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