<- This is how she is... and this is how I dream about her->
Melissa's been officially a little girl for some time now, but when I dream about her, she's always still a little baby. She fits on my chest, can barely move and never, ever eats on her own. But the terrifying thing is that, though she's so dependent, I spend half the dream looking for her, as if I misplaced her somewhere. And whenever I am with her, I'm NEVER doing it right - either holding her weird, or not feeding her the right thing, or it's confusing, but clear that something is terribly wrong.
I don't have to be a dream specialist to know this means I miss my baby. Also that haven't been all that confident on my parenting skills.
When she was a baby, I thought she was SO much work, but today I see how low maintenance she actually was. There wasn't much else to do besides change diaper, nurse (or give bottle), cuddle and repeat. Okay, tummy time and baths too, but really, this was NOTHING compared to:
Chasing her around the house; Should she watch TV or not?; Or better yet, should I feel guilty I let her watch TV? (don't judge, I'm an invalid preggie); Should I discipline her right now or just take the breakdown as a mother-daughter venting session?; I got REALLY mad. Did I traumatize her?; I wonder if I didn't get mad enough, and now she thinks it's okay; Has she eaten enough protein today? Will she pass out in her sleep?; Is her blanky warm enough? Too warm?; I think I waited too long to her in the morning. But if I get up too quick I get dizzy and there goes my morning sanity; ...
Sorry for entering you into the crazy mine field that is my mind.
I guess I just miss the simplicity of when she was a baby. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE that she calls me mommy, says little sentences and understands a lot of what I tell her. I love that her face is taking its own shape, which is absolutely gorgeous. That she's sweet and says "hug" or "come" when she wants me to get her.
I do, I love toddlerhood. I'm just not sure if I'm keeping up with it expertly. I know I must not suck too much, 'cause she seems happy and is turning out a very fun and caring little girl, but you know how we moms are - we worry about nutrition, what we're imprinting in their subconscious, stuff like that.
Maybe what scares me is how quickly she's assimilating everything. When she was a baby, I felt like I had time to learn as I went - and granted, every time I thought I had it figured out she'd change, but still, she didn't change THAT fast. This is crazy. And though I'm excited about the other baby coming up, it's kinda sad that THIS baby is now only in my dreams.