I Think My Baby Ate My Brain

<- 12 weeks of brain mushiness

That's the only explanation. My mind's foggier than when I'd just given birth to Melissa - though I might be exaggerating, since the whole selective memory thing gives us enough amnesia to want to do this again :).

But lately I feel like everything is taking at least double the effort. Not just physically, but mentally too. It takes longer for me to figure things out. I used to be able to come up with a game plan for Melissa - if she seemed hungry, offer this; if cranky, then this; if hungry and cranky, then something else (plus the Wiggles). Now, I feel like I've turned dumb. Most of the time I don't have the faintest idea of what to do with her. There are certain routines that I do still follow (like her regular breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks), but even the timing and what I serve on these seem off. I just hope I don't mess her up too much until this baby comes out of me.

So I came to the conclusion that either my brain has become fetus food or my hormones have overcrowded it, turning half of it inactive. I cry for no reason often (or for silly reasons, like someone's sad on TV), have a headache if I think too hard and feel guilty almost all the time. I think, for example, that Melissa deserves a more energetic mother. Someone who isn't too busy growing a person to be completely in tune with her every need.

Of course I'm being dramatic - there are moments when everything feels right in the world, we're bonding and I'm so happy I'll have not one, but two little kids to squeeze. Melissa is such a little girl now that, when she's not being difficult, she's so funny and smart and sweet. I tell her that there's a baby in my belly and she looks at it confused, saying: "Where's the beddy? [she thinks it's more fun to say "belly" - "beddy" - than baby] Where did it go? Beddyy, where aare yoou?" She cracks me up everyday.

I think my body is shutting down my mind for anything except the baby, unless it's strictly necessary (like Melissa and hubby). It's annoying, 'cause I do want to be productive in other areas too (like writing), but EVERYTHING just seems like such a humongous effort. Strangely enough, at the same time I have been a little more disciplined about a few house chores (like cleaning the kitchen and the floor/carpet). Maybe my body understands that as strictly necessary (which I'm ashamed to say, it didn't always before :).