Aaaah!! There's Another Baby Inside Me!!!

If anyone wondered why I haven't posted nearly as often as I used to, here's the reason...

Here we go again!!!!!!! :D 10 weeks on Thursday - due date January 20th 2012.

I couldn't believe how quickly the positive line appeared. And it was even stronger than the one that shows the test is working! With Melissa, all I'd gotten was a very faint one.

So forgive me for my lack of creativity lately, I've just been trying to exist without puking on my child. Even though much like my first pregnancy, I haven't actually puked, but feel on the edge of it almost constantly. It SUCKS. Big time.

I look at all the people I know that might think pregnancy is this dream experience, and I'll tell you, it is NOT. You might be thrilled about the idea before it actually happens, but once you are, well, let's just say it's really hard to be nauseated AND excited. While your toddler whines in confusion of why you're not so playful anymore.

Of course I'm generalizing - I'm sure a lot of preggies out there have wonderful symptom-free pregnancies and/or a much much better attitude than mine. Or better hormones, it may be. I feel so altered I can't even stand myself. At least this time I know I'm not going crazy and this does not mean that my motherly skills are doomed (as I feared in my first), so I just put up with it with a fake smile. Most of the time.

Okay, before I sound like the grounchy old pregnant witch of the west... There are some things that make me smile. Such as:

Melissa's little girl-ness. The way she snuggles with her stuffed animals, dances and sings to herself. It makes me hopeful that, one day, I'll have two kids being this cute. Which is totally worth the first crazy months I heard of about having two kids.

The un-mystery of labor. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that I've already pushed a baby out once. And I didn't die. Neither did my organs all fall out from the gigantic whole caused by the baby's head. I know, I'm being dramatic, but this was my subconscious fear. I just couldn't imagine going through this and surviving, or at least dying of pain. But I'm happy to say it didn't hurt much more than a bad constipation.

The lower expectations. Much like your wedding, the first time you have this unrealistic view of what carrying a child should feel like. I thought it'd be magical 100% of the time, and since I'd always loved how pregnant women looked, I thought I'd feel like a goddess. Uh, not so. But at least this time I have no unrealistic hopes about still having ankles at the end of this. Which is strangely freeing.

The lower fear. I think the biggest characteristic of my first pregnancy was sheer panic. Panic that anything would happen to the baby, that I'd feel miserable forever, that I'd permanently morph into a whale. Not that the worry about the baby or myself ever goes away - it kinda comes with the fetus! - but at least I'm happy to report I'm not NEARLY as terrified as the other time. I think then I walked around in a constant deer-in-the-headlights state. Now, chasing Melissa, I don't even have time to panic as much. Besides, I'm much more confident I'm gonna like the end results :).