The Bored Mommy

Yes, There IS Life After 2 Kids :)

2012-02-04T16:55:00.000-08:00

Guess what: I had a boy!! And his name is Andrew David Prado, born on January 25th, 2012 at 8:35 a.m.

Sorry I haven't posted anything earlier - I'm amazed at mothers who blog from the hospital room and register every new emotion of having their 2nd baby. I mean, when do you sleep?? Or pee?? My mom's here from Brazil to help for the first month, and still, everyday at some point I feel like I'm about to lose my mind. Or at several points :).

Don't get me wrong - whenever both kids are fed, clean and happy (or at least "ish"), it's heaven. It really is all of those cheesy things you see in Lifetime movies: the wonder of becoming a bigger family, and your heart's about to explore with pride. I told David the other day that it often feels like I won't need any other kids, because these 2 are already so wonderful. Why test the blessing, right?

But other little reason why I might be done having kids is because this delivery was THE hardest I ever, ever thought I'd have.

This time around, I wasn't too afraid of giving birth. I'd gone through it once, survived, and realized it would'be gone even smoother if I hadn't feared it so much. So this time I was determined to be as relaxed about it as physically/mentally I could be.

Which, if you know me, you know it isn't much :).

Let's start from before the beginning, when my due date came and went, and I felt fainter and fainter everyday from carrying this ENOURMOUS baby. Seriously, the impression I had was that I was going to die from carrying him. Like my belly would end up exploding, or my legs would give in or something. From week 38 on, I started begging the doctor to induce me. At a 36 week ultrasound, they already said Andrew weighed 7 lbs and 11oz!!

I kept telling the doctor I didn't want to deliver a 9lbs baby - not (just) for fear of how much it'd hurt, but because I knew of all the complications it could bring. I'd watched a "One Born a Minute" episode where the baby got stuck in his mom's vagina and when they finally pulled him out, he was BLUE and didn't show signs of breathing for several seconds. I don't cry much watching tv, but I couldn't help but tear up when the baby cried and everything turned out okay. And I prayed that I'd never, ever have to face a situation like this.

Another thing I hoped not to face was a surprise c-section. Now, I'm not against them - thank God someone came up with a way to take a baby out if his or the mom's life's at risk. No wonder in the old times lots more people died giving birth. Both my sisters had to have c-sections and turned out okay, so I knew the world wouldn't end if I couldn't do it through my hoo ha.

But what I didn't want was to push for several hours, experience the painful ordeal of birthing naturally, only to be told "never mind, you're going to have surgery NOW". I imagined that would be so scary and stressful that I'd be really disappointed.

So guess what ended up happening to me. I got not one, but BOTH of my two labor fears. Three, if you count going overdue. They started inducing me on January 24th's afternoon, but nothing happened. Then the doctor gave me (or herself :) a break for the night, and it felt wonderful to be off of pitocin AND sleep soundly with the Ambien they gave me.

What I didn't expect was to wake up 3 to 4 cm dilated, and only a couple hours after that, already 8! I pleaded for the epidural, but they said there was no time anymore. The pain at each contraction felt scary, like the baby was going down but there'd be no room for him to get out. I SCREAMED like women in labor do in movies - gosh, I think I yelled at every single person who passed by me. This nice little nurse was trying to introduce herself and I just shouted, "yeah, yeah, yeah, HURRY". Lol, so much for my plans to 'be cool' :).

But the one positive side of this was that, to my surprise, when the doctor said we'd have to do a c-section, I only felt nervous for like a second. Then I thought, wait, going numb belly down?? Count me in! What I actually said was, of course, "HURRY!!!!" Another lady was filling out forms for the c-section (oh, c'mon, give me a break) and even jumped at my cry and went to do what she had to away from me lol.

I remember I hated getting the epidural when I had Melissa - it was one of the most painful parts of the process, probably because they had to try it 3 times before getting it on the right place. But this time I was so grateful to be receive any relief that I did MUCH better than before, with being still and all. Everyone seemed surprise that all of a sudden I'd stopped shaking like a crazy woman, but my mentality was, if you stop this pain, I'll do whatever you want! :) I might've even found strength to do a little dance lol.

The c-section felt weird, but not nearly as much I thought it would. The absence of contractions was WONDERFUL. My body relaxed so much I had a hard time staying awake. The excitement of seeing Andrew helped, but after they took him, my eyes were shut and I rested until they took me to the recovery room and I could finally hold him.

Nursing went about a million times better than it did with Melissa at first. But it was hard to enjoy it with these awful headaches I kept having because of the spinal anesthesia. Don't ask me how it works (I was too out of it when they explained it :), but for some reason my head would HURT when I'd lift it, and only go back to normal if I laid it flat. The first time it happened, I wondered if that was how a seizure felt like. Even opening my eyes felt excruciating. At least it usually didn't last an entire day - mostly just in the morning, but it could last for several hours. Which made nursing a challenge to say the least.

I don't want to go on and on about the first days' hardships (even though I just did hehe). Of course, I'm still on the first days - Andrew's only a week and a half old. But I can say that things have already gotten a lot better. We're still figuring things out, but the headaches seem to be all gone, THANK GOD. I'm not yet 100% sure how in the world I'm gonna take care of a 2-year-old and a newborn once my mom leaves, but I try to remember I felt the same way after having Melissa, and somehow we made it 'til here. As much as the hard times can feel harder than ever, the good times are also better than we've ever had before. And just that makes it all worth it.

Is the Baby REALLY Coming??

2012-01-13T13:10:00.000-08:00

<- I think my stork got lost.

I have my doubts sometimes. Silly, I know - I mean, I saw the baby on the ultrasound, so I know for a fact there's a live human being in me. But there's something about getting so pumped up about being in labor, and then when you realize you weren't, it's hard to keep your hopes up. Which brings you to denial that the baby will actually come one day.

This last week and a half or so I've been feeling like there's no way I can be pregnant one more day, and then I am. Really, every morning I wake up with the impression that if he goes any lower, he'll come out. But another evening comes and I'm in shock NOTHING has happened. Not even the confusing on and off contractions I had a few days ago. Sometimes they'd last for as long as 2 HOURS, and then disappear as if they were a figment of my imagination. I mean, wasn't I supposed to be sure it's the real thing if they last for an hour?? So you see how now I've become a skeptic.

Which is totally ridiculous of me, considering I'm 39 weeks and the doctor said she won't let me go over 41, meaning I only have 2 more weeks at the most to go. AND my mom's arriving from Brazil this coming Thursday, so if I really look around me, things are happening. Today the angel of my mother in law came over and helped me tidy up the place (take out the Christmas tree and prepare space for mom to sleep in). This has REALLY helped, not only with the tasks themselves, but also for me psychologically. Seeing our home ready for the baby reminds me that no, I'm not waiting in vain. The baby WILL come out.

It just seems so surreal to me still. The concept of having another child, that I'll bond with the same way I have with Melissa. This blows my mind. To know that another little person will give me this much joy (and pain :). I mean, how do you get enough heart to store up this much love (and pain lol)? The anticipation of it all (including that detail called labor) can drive you crazy.

Next post will most likely be about Andrew OUT of me, as my brain fries more and more the longer I wait. So pray it'll be soon!!

Oh Yeah, And There's Christmas

2011-12-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

<- Sign (and the closest thing to snow :) at our front door.

With everything that's going on (adjusting to TX, keeping up with Melissa and building a person), I really thought the holidays would go right past me. Well, I do have to say Thanksgiving dinner is not as much fun when you already have a full belly to start with. While everybody chatted and stuffed themselves away, I waddled around the room, wondering if there was such a thing as a comfortable position. I'd been so happy and content when we arrived at my in-laws', but maybe that extra forkful of mashed potatoes sent my stomach over the edge. There was no place for them in the inn :).

But ever hopeful, I refused - and still refuse - to miss out on Christmas. After dragging my round self to stores (or, more often, to online stores), I can gladly say our gift shopping is DONE! I've also single handedly decorated our Christmas tree with my own swollen white-sausage-looking fingers. I know, that's supposed to be done by the whole family, but really, if I'd waited for the perfect, Hallmark card moment, where everyone would be rested, in a good mood and with time to spare, it'd never happen. And on that particular day I felt a rush of productivity - like, the more I got done, the more I felt I was progressing, and not just standing in time, forever huge and achy.

It's also nice to focus on something else other than the baby. I know I'm close - 34 weeks and half already incites people to look at you like a time bomb - but still, January 20th (my due date) seems like FOREVER from now. Next year still!! I used to get excited about every braxton hicks contraction, but now, I've lost hope. There have been too many miserable days that turned out to be nothing. If only I could get REALLY miserable - to the point of popping out a baby. Now that would be a real good Christmas gift :).

The Reappearance of the Pregnant Lady

2011-11-29T16:54:00.000-08:00

<- 32 weeks and ready to be DONE

I've been SUCH a bad blogger during this pregnancy. I'd honestly thought that being pregnant would make me blog more, not less. I mean, if nothing else, my body's in constant change. But to my own surprise, I feel awkward blogging about every little thing. Which is funny considering I do enjoy other people's updates, but it's just hard for me to believe that anyone's interested in what's aching/swelling on me this week :).

Now that I'm at the final stretch (officially past the 8 month mark! Woohooo), I figured I'd come and let you know my latest adventures of getting ready for the baby. I can't believe he's almost here. This whole time, I've been waiting to release the crazy baby-stuff-shopper inside me, and now I can lol.

Everyday that I do something towards getting ready - like washing bottles or organizing blankets, I feel a delicious sense of accomplishment. The last weeks always seem to last forever, so this helps me feel like I'm making some progress. Like he's really coming, and I'm not just getting heavier and sorer for nothing.

Another big step of getting ready for Andrew was my baby shower. It was small, with just family (oh how I love to say that, since we barely had any in CA), but very fun and GORGEOUS. It'll take too long for me to post all of the pictures, but here are some (from my phone, since we still can't find our camera cable, so pardon the low quality):

The Princess & The Fetus

2011-11-14T14:30:00.000-08:00

While I grow exponentially and try to keep our place - and my sanity - in decent condition, Princess Melissa sits on her throne, just enjoying being 2.

I'm kidding, of course - it's rare that she stays still enough to just be there. Usually she's all over the place, playing with her toys, or giving us her toys and demanding we play with them for her diversion. I know I sound 'complainy', but really, it's a lot of fun to have a 2-year-old. Everyday she says something that I had no idea she'd picked up (like "I think so" or "that's amazing!"), and I feel like we've been able to connect with her even more now that she's maturing into a little person. My baby's long, long gone. Well, at least that one :).

Speaking of the 2nd, I've been bonding more with him too. It's kind of impossible not to, now that whenever he moves, my belly follows along. Like I have a built-in baby carrier, and it's really annoying that I don't get to see the child I'm taking everywhere. I even miss him already, as if I'd seen him outside of me before.

Last Thursday I completed 30 weeks, but judging by my last ultrasound, he seems to be measuring 2 weeks ahead, so that means I FEEL 32 weeks - which is 8 MONTHS!! So surreal. And he jumps around so much that it's like he's trying to find his way out. When he kicks downwards, I almost expect to find a foot coming out of me. It's like, how much more can my skin take of this?? I don't think I'm too thick skinned (in all senses lol).

Now, joking aside, I am really excited about being near the end. This Sunday will be my baby shower (double yaay), then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year's, then....Andrew!! :) All these happenings can easily overwhelm me if I'm not careful, but this time around I think I'm more aware that my occasional crappy mood can be caused by a myriad of things other than the world ending. I don't think the first time I was as aware of how hormones or just the constant discomfort affected my outlook about the day. It's still a constant battle, but this time around, I can definitely say I'm happier. And when I'm not, Princess Melissa usually commands I get with the program.

I Forgot I Was Pregnant...

2011-10-31T20:20:00.000-07:00

...and spent WAY too many hours making cupcakes AND a cake AND a hot dog sauce (Brazilian recipe) for Melissa's 2nd birthday party. I must be crazy. First 'cause I remember how much just making cupcakes for her 1st completely wiped me out - how could I think that doing more would be okay 7 months pregnant?? At the time of the party, I felt like I'd been ran over by a truck a couple times and a half. And, mind you, I did NOT feel like eating any cupcakes or hot dogs. Another thing about cooking all day is that it can kinda turn you off to whatever you're doing - and that's when you're normal, let alone pregnant.

Anyway, my invalidness aside, it did turn out to be a really nice party, and Melissa LOVED it. So different than when she was 1, and cried hysterically when seeing her guests, then spit out her cake and was only interested in a banana. This time she's a giggling, dancing, socializing and balloon loving toddler. After the kids attacked the cupcakes, we turned on the music and they all danced frantically in their sugar rush. It was so much fun to watch. I almost forgot my belly had become so tight from standing all day that it seemed like I was about to give birth.

But I survived. And I'll post pictures soon - I forgot my phone at home (the party was at her grandparents'), and hubby's asleep, so I'll have to get the pictures from his phone tomorrow. We did bring a regular camera, but we're yet to find the cable for it after the move. Grandma and auntie Anne (yep, my sis in law and I have the same name :) also took pictures, and they said they'll send them to me.

So for now, all I have to offer is this post, to document my utter exhaustion and warn all preggies of the world to please, please, take it easy. Even if you don't feel it at the moment, your body will get back at you later. I've been in pain ALL day today, and really wish I'd just gone to Walmart instead of getting all romantic about baking my daughter's cupcakes.

You know what's strange, though? Even though it's been getting harder with my growing belly, Melissa's growth has been a great source of entertainment. She talks SO much right now, knows how to communicate what she wants, has a great sense of humor and often thinks I'm hilarious. The day the new nursery dresser arrived, I did a little happy dance and she laughed so hard she puked lol. She always asks me to repeat it from time to time (and hasn't puked again - not from that, at least :).

Now that both hubby and girly are asleep, I'm having some me-time, still EXTREMELY sore but feeling like life is coming along as it should. Tonight we obeyed my Target craving (I wasn't sure why, just knew we needed to go, and hubby was wise enough not to question me :). There, we bought some groceries and - wait for it - a double stroller!! SO excited. I knew there was a reason for us to go.

I think my body's discomforts are causing the nesting feeling to kick in. I'm more aware of how pregnant I am and how this baby can come before we know it. Technically, I'm almost 29 weeks (will be on Thursday), but according to a recent ultrasound, the baby's measuring about a week and a half in advance. That explains a LOT - I'm definitely feeling like I'm past the 30th week! My stomach's tight more often than not, so this seems more and more like the final stretch.

Anyway, I'd better get to bed so I won't pay the price AGAIN for my careless actions tomorrow. Will post Melissa's party pictures as soon as I get them and feel like I can type a decent post. 'Til then, prayers are appreciated that my regular strength Tylenol will receive supernatural powers from above!

Happiness is a LOT of Work

2011-10-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

<- It's not easy to maintain this cuteness.

If anyone has wondered why I haven't posted much (and I hope you have), here's why: brain overload. Not the bad kind, but mostly the kind that actually gets you so excited that you feel like you need a break for a week to recover.

And I'm NOT saying life right now's all about excitements - there's also a fair share of breakdowns, uncertainties, and even boredom. But even in moments when time seems to be moving slowly, my mind's so full from the latest transitions that I have a hard time relaxing it enough to think of an inspired post. So you're stuck with this one :).

Well, on to it, then - here are the latest excitements that have me feeling like I got run over by a truck:

Third Trimester is Here
Can you believe it? Didn't I JUST become pregnant? Seriously, the speed that this is going is both exciting AND scary to me. Like, I only have 3 months now, if that much. According to my last ultrasound, the baby's 2 1/2 pounds and might be sitting precisely on my intestines (which explains a lot of random "I'm about to have this baby right now" runs to the bathroom).

I'll Have Baby Shower
I know, I didn't count on it! For several reasons - many don't believe a second pregnancy's supposed to have a baby shower, but more like a "meet the baby" party after he's born. And besides, we just moved here, and David's family has done so enormously much for us that I thought it'd be too much work for them. But my awesome mother-in-law told me they wanted to (yay!), and then I had the idea of having it at our new little place AND using it as an excuse to cook some of my favorite Brazilian food! Will let you know how that'll turn out, of course... Prayers are appreciated :).

Melissa's 2nd Birthday's Around the Corner
Next Saturday! And the most amazing thing is, this time we get to do it with just family. This would've been impossible in CA, since we didn't have any living close by. Of course our church friends totally made up for it, but it's just so special to have it with the people that love Melissa the most, second only to us. This year's theme will be Dorothy The Dinosaur (from The Wiggles), with whom she's in love with. It might seem random for the people here though, as I haven't seen a network that has their show, but hey, there will be cupcakes. Everybody understands the language of cupcakes :).

There's more to report, but I don't think y'all will be as excited as I am with the new changing table/dresser waiting to be assembled, or the fact that we can now see the dining table (having eliminated most of the boxes). So I'll spare you. Will come back though, with pictures of Melissa's party, and maybe even a belly shot!

New/Future Moms of 2 Are People Too!

2011-10-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

<- Melissa's already abusing her little brother :).

I'm appalled at the lack of literature/material available for 2nd time mothers. It's as if they assume that having done it once, you must be a master on the subject and have no need of extra assurance/information/commiseration. HA! I so wish that was true. Come to think of it, not completely - I do enjoy diving through magazines/books in a way to help me celebrate and process the fact that I'm about to give birth. Again. Knowing exactly how wonderful - and overwhelming - it is.

I wish pregnancy magazines talked about what to do with a baby AND a toddler, instead of just what to do with a bby period. And about how do you "get all the sleep you can" when said toddler will not respect your pregnanthood. Like, how do you eat small frequent meals when there's a little person chasing you, who needs to avoid grazing?? And by the way, it would be nice to see pictures of women who actually look pregnant. C'mon, there's gotta be plenty of gorgeous model-like moms out there who don't look like they're wearing a fake belly over teir skinniness. Show me someone real pretty with an occasional double chin and I'll be your lifelong subscriber! :)

I like to joke that my fantasy is going to some sort of "pregnancy retreat" - a place where all I'm required to do is sit and be pregnant. It just seems like there's so much needing my attention (Melissa, transitioning to a different place, etc) that I end up having little time to just feel pregnant. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel it all the time, but can't give myself the luxury to act accordingly. Not always at least - when I'm resting, my mind still races, going through lists of what to do, and wondering if I'm giving Melissa enough attention. Because, you know, soon she'll really have to share me. This realization makes me feel more attached to her, but at the same time, my growing belly (with all its growing discomforts) keeps me from playing with her as much as before.

See what I'm saying?? Being pregnant for the 2nd time might not have the same "I don't know if I can be a mom" fears of the 1st, but it still brings a whole different set of issues. Of course it also has its own wonders - Melissa's a cute distraction from my pregnant woes, and seeing how beautifully she's growing makes me excited to see what other little person we came up with. And I just CAN'T wait to see her as a big sister. She already loves her "I'm a big sister" book - where the characters amazingly look like us (curly redish-haired mom, and dark straight haired dad and girl). You know, I used to imagine her just like this before she was born. Now I imagine Andrew (that's the name, btw! :) with curly hair. Can't wait to see if my prophecy will come true again lol.

Okay, I'm rambling now - see how I need extra entertainment to divert myself?? Doctors and specialists, please look down on us, 2nd time mommies. We need stuff to read too. Please don't assume every expectant person has all the time in the world to enjoy each moment of belly grownth! Some of us have done it before, but would like to feel special too. You know, as if we could stop everything and just be pregnant for a bit.

Extremely Pregnant

2011-09-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

<- Enjoying Brazil at 21 1/2 weeks (2 1/2 weeks ago - even "pregnanter" today! :)

That's how I've been feeling in the last CRAZY days. Which is funny considering that I'm not even officialy 6 months along yet (but close - 24 weeks today).

What do I mean by "crazy" days, you might ask? Well, let me count the ways. It started with us packing like maniacs for our move to Texas - hubby's wonderful family came over and helped us with the ordeal. Then they drove us to the airport, where we'd be off to Brazil while they drove all of our earthly possessions across country. Gotta love 'em!

This trip to Brazil had been scheduled way before we ever knew we'd move, so it turned out that a million of important happenings ended up one after the other - the Brazil trip (to visit my family), the move AND, just for excitement's sake, also a writer's conference thrown in (I flew to St. Louis the morning after we arrived in Texas).

Oh, and may I remind you the baby inside me did NOT stop growing?? :) When all of this started, I felt semi-normal, not totally comfortable running around but pretty okay. The trip to Brazil was hard just because of Melissa's hatred towards the plane, but surprisingly, not because of backaches or any of the issues I had throughout my entire pregnancy with her. I did have a very very dizzy moment though, but thank God, we were already in Brazil, where people usually don't see the problem with staring at each other - which works wonders when you need someone to see you're about to faint and put in front of the line. So crisis averted :).

In Vitoria (my hometown), I started feeling the symptoms of extreme pregnancy-ities around our first trip to the mall. Let's just say this was not the experience I remembered having as a teen. My feet did not use to swell, and I did not walk like a duck who needed to go to the bathroom. I was like, really?? I'm barely pregnant!! Okay, 5 months isn't barely, but it isn't the end of the line either. And wasn't I packing up boxes like crazy just the week before? How come now I could barely stand to maneuver my purse?

So needless to say, my trip to Brazil was a lot less productive then I'd envisioned. We did enjoy the beach and the pool, but not nearly as often as I'd hoped. And in between several family visits (haven't seen most of them for almost 5 years), I wasn't able to go out with a girlfriend once. I feel guilty even typing this - there were some dear, dear people I didn't call not because I didn't miss them, but because I was afraid they'd think otherwise when I'd tell them I wouldn't have a chance to see them. It's so hard to explain to non-pregnant people that you can only handle so much socializing during the day, before your belly muscles start aching as if your baby's saying, "mom, ENOUGH".

After our Brazilian odyssey, we arrived in our new ADORABLE Texas home. Hubby's family not only drove our stuff here, they also organized most of it AND redecorated the place (painted walls, changed carpets, etc). I don't think we could ever, ever repay them. We'd thought we'd have to stay at hubby's parents' house until everything got settled, but the place looked so homey already (despite just a few boxes around) that we could move in right away. Yay!!

BUT the very next morning, I still had a plane to catch to St. Louis, where I'd attend the American Christian Fiction Writers' conference. My body said no but my heart said yes, so there I went. It was one of those things that, if you don't go, you'll never know what would've happened.

And I'm glad I did! It was so cool meeting my awesome writing mentor Betsy St. Amant, and making fun friends like my other roomie, Jenness Walker. And I only really felt my extreme-pregnancy-ities towards the end - the first couple of days, I was in an adrenaline rush, absorbing the huge amount of information around me, and getting starstruck every time I turned around. Even made some good connections for my writing, but I refrain from speaking about them further in order not to jinx them hehe.

So now, after this hurricane of adventures and emotions (like a soap opera commercial lol), I'm finally home. We're still putting a lot of stuff away, and fixing some things here and there, but it feels amazing already. Just being here in Texas feels right. David and I keep trying to find the exact reasons, but the thing is, God's led us here, pure and simple. And there's nothing better than being where He wants you to be - even if it's all over the place until you find your sweet spot :).

Mothers of Boys, Tell Me Your Stories :)

2011-08-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

Yessss, that's what it means - we did the big ultrasound last Thursday, and turns out baby #2 is a boy!!!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D

You know when you roll a dice thinking of a number, and then when it comes up you're like, "whoa, what were the odds?"

That's how I'm feeling right now. Not that my odds weren't good (50% :), but it just seemed like too much of a coincidence for me to want to have boy next AND actually have one. It's crazy. I'm still in awe of this.

I wanted a boy for so many reasons. Let me count:

- great excuse to buy more baby stuff (need blue this time! :);

- Melissa seems to have more fun playing with boys than girls - they crack her up;

- speaking of her, it might help Miss High Maintenance deal with the fact that someone else will receive attention (at least he won't steal her pink stuff);

- and, well, who doesn't want one of each?

It sounded like more reasons on my head, but the thing is, I'm just really happy about it. Seeing Melissa getting cuter every day makes me excited to see what other kid we can come up with lol. It's just so fascinating to watch someone develop.

Now, just because I'm on the subject of development (and to give each child equal blog time), I think it's valid to list some of Melissa's latest cutenesses:

- When we do something she enjoys (like throwing a toy in the air), the way she gets to make us repeat is by yelling: "On your mark, go!" Over. And over. And over.

- Since I like to tell her, "Are you my baby? Yes you are!", now she's been coming to me saying, "Are you my mommy?" :)

- She says "I love you"!! It sounds more like "I loww yoou", and comes with a hug. *tear*

- She likes to put an "s" to the end of words, so they sound more sophisticated. Water is now "waters" and her toy doggie is "doggies" (oh, and also "booger" is "boogers" lol).

- She says "thank you mommy" often (even to daddy :) - and speaking of that, she kinda trades off our "names" (mommy & daddy) from time to time.

I could go on, but I think I already put y'all through enough bragging.

On sort of unrelated news, we are in the process of moving to Texas (AND planning our trip to Brazil - this Thursday!!), so if I disappear (again), you know why.

Now all of you moms of boys, please tell me what I have to look forward to!

The Weighting Game

2011-08-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

<- 17 weeks!

So I finally took some more belly pics - after over a month from the last ones. I know, I know. I'm neglecting this baby (or pregnancy) already.

With my first one, I think I took pictures every week, documented almost everything and even promised myself I'd do the same the next time. HA. The innocence of someone who doesn't have a toddler.

But this post isn't about the pictures. Is about how delusional apparently I am with my weight situation.

For instance: at 12 weeks, I thought I was HUGE. Not belly huge, but neck, chin and arms. But apparently I was doing pretty good - the doctor's scale said that I'd lost 2 pounds. They looked at me with concern, but I was like, woohoo! How long can we keep this up without harming the baby?

So lately I've been feeling the opposite of how I did in the beginning - hardly notice any double chin, and even thought I was losing more weight. Well, the last appointment showed that I've gained said 2 pounds. It might be the bacon and eggs I eat frequently for lunch (what can I say, baby NEEDS protein). And yes, I've tried every other kind of lunch imaginable, but it seems that if I don't inject ridiculous amounts of protein into my veins, I literally CRASH around 3 (precisely the time Melissa's waking up from her nap). And when I say crash, I mean have rapid breathing, extreme weakness until my eyes get so heavy I can't open them anymore. Plenty of times I let Melissa call for me just for a couple minutes, so I can close my eyes briefly to pretend I'd taken a nap. Which makes me feel guilty now that she's been so good about sleeping for 2 whole hours.

Speaking of that, I'd better go check on her. I leave you with a couple pics of my latest preggie footage (and Melissa, of course, had to steal the spotlight :).

Baby Dreams

2011-08-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

<- This is how she is... and this is how I dream about her->

Melissa's been officially a little girl for some time now, but when I dream about her, she's always still a little baby. She fits on my chest, can barely move and never, ever eats on her own. But the terrifying thing is that, though she's so dependent, I spend half the dream looking for her, as if I misplaced her somewhere. And whenever I am with her, I'm NEVER doing it right - either holding her weird, or not feeding her the right thing, or it's confusing, but clear that something is terribly wrong.

I don't have to be a dream specialist to know this means I miss my baby. Also that haven't been all that confident on my parenting skills.

When she was a baby, I thought she was SO much work, but today I see how low maintenance she actually was. There wasn't much else to do besides change diaper, nurse (or give bottle), cuddle and repeat. Okay, tummy time and baths too, but really, this was NOTHING compared to:

Chasing her around the house; Should she watch TV or not?; Or better yet, should I feel guilty I let her watch TV? (don't judge, I'm an invalid preggie); Should I discipline her right now or just take the breakdown as a mother-daughter venting session?; I got REALLY mad. Did I traumatize her?; I wonder if I didn't get mad enough, and now she thinks it's okay; Has she eaten enough protein today? Will she pass out in her sleep?; Is her blanky warm enough? Too warm?; I think I waited too long to her in the morning. But if I get up too quick I get dizzy and there goes my morning sanity; ...

Sorry for entering you into the crazy mine field that is my mind.

I guess I just miss the simplicity of when she was a baby. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE that she calls me mommy, says little sentences and understands a lot of what I tell her. I love that her face is taking its own shape, which is absolutely gorgeous. That she's sweet and says "hug" or "come" when she wants me to get her.

I do, I love toddlerhood. I'm just not sure if I'm keeping up with it expertly. I know I must not suck too much, 'cause she seems happy and is turning out a very fun and caring little girl, but you know how we moms are - we worry about nutrition, what we're imprinting in their subconscious, stuff like that.

Maybe what scares me is how quickly she's assimilating everything. When she was a baby, I felt like I had time to learn as I went - and granted, every time I thought I had it figured out she'd change, but still, she didn't change THAT fast. This is crazy. And though I'm excited about the other baby coming up, it's kinda sad that THIS baby is now only in my dreams.

The Disappearance of the Pregnant Lady

2011-07-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

I'm SO SO sorry for abandoning this blog for almost 2 weeks!! So I put together a little FAQ - not meaning that people actually ask me these questions frequently, but that I imagine it might cross their minds. And if you think they don't, please don't burst my bubble.

Q: Hi, Anne! How come you haven't blogged as much as before?
A: I'm pregnant.

Q: Oh, okay. But what about facebook? You rarely post, and when you do, it's about some bodily function.
A: I'm pregnant.

Q: I understand. In real life, though, why do you spend weeks without socializing?

A: Um, because I'm home, barefoot and pregnant.

Q: Also, about your posts. Whenever they do come - which takes FOREVER - they're just about how tired/nauseated you are. Isn't there anything else going on in your life?
A: This blog is mostly about motherhood, so I'd rather not go on and on about my plans to become a movie star and then end world hunger. Which is going to be a little harder now that I'm PREGNANT.

Q: C'mon, it can't be that bad. Don't you have such a cute daughter? For sure she's an endless source of posts.
A: She would be, if I wasn't PREGNANT with a nauseating child.

Q: I give up. Is there anything else you have to say for yourself? Please don't mention any medical conditions.
A: I'm sure that, somewhere deep inside me, there's still a well of deeply imaginative posts waiting to be posted. And one day, I might throw them all up at once. It will probably be when my TWO kids start kindergarten. But no guarantees - chances are, by then I'll be PREGNANT again.

In This Pregnancy, I Promise...

2011-07-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

...not to wait until laundry becomes a 4 load monster that I have to wreck my back to tackle;

...to give myself permission to feel miserable, without letting it make me miserable (all mothers - or all women who ever had a period - probably know what I mean);

...to maintain realistic expectations about parenthood and the whole process of having a child, which are so, so far from Parents/Fit Pregnancy magazine covers;

...not to wait till I feel 100% social to see other humans, BUT, not to push it as if I'm a helpless isolated nerd if I don't;

...to smile before I think of complaining of something (it always sounds better that way);

...to laugh at my own invalidism;

...to allow Melissa to make me laugh even though I feel like I'm about to puke on her head;

...not to imagine the worst scenario, EVER - unless for child protective purposes;

...not to use chocolate as a medication (but not make it the forbidden fruit either);

...to truly believe I'm glowing like people say pregnant women do;

...not to freak out that I already have another kid to care for, but think of it as the proof that I've done it and survived.

I Think My Baby Ate My Brain

2011-07-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

<- 12 weeks of brain mushiness

That's the only explanation. My mind's foggier than when I'd just given birth to Melissa - though I might be exaggerating, since the whole selective memory thing gives us enough amnesia to want to do this again :).

But lately I feel like everything is taking at least double the effort. Not just physically, but mentally too. It takes longer for me to figure things out. I used to be able to come up with a game plan for Melissa - if she seemed hungry, offer this; if cranky, then this; if hungry and cranky, then something else (plus the Wiggles). Now, I feel like I've turned dumb. Most of the time I don't have the faintest idea of what to do with her. There are certain routines that I do still follow (like her regular breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks), but even the timing and what I serve on these seem off. I just hope I don't mess her up too much until this baby comes out of me.

So I came to the conclusion that either my brain has become fetus food or my hormones have overcrowded it, turning half of it inactive. I cry for no reason often (or for silly reasons, like someone's sad on TV), have a headache if I think too hard and feel guilty almost all the time. I think, for example, that Melissa deserves a more energetic mother. Someone who isn't too busy growing a person to be completely in tune with her every need.

Of course I'm being dramatic - there are moments when everything feels right in the world, we're bonding and I'm so happy I'll have not one, but two little kids to squeeze. Melissa is such a little girl now that, when she's not being difficult, she's so funny and smart and sweet. I tell her that there's a baby in my belly and she looks at it confused, saying: "Where's the beddy? [she thinks it's more fun to say "belly" - "beddy" - than baby] Where did it go? Beddyy, where aare yoou?" She cracks me up everyday.

I think my body is shutting down my mind for anything except the baby, unless it's strictly necessary (like Melissa and hubby). It's annoying, 'cause I do want to be productive in other areas too (like writing), but EVERYTHING just seems like such a humongous effort. Strangely enough, at the same time I have been a little more disciplined about a few house chores (like cleaning the kitchen and the floor/carpet). Maybe my body understands that as strictly necessary (which I'm ashamed to say, it didn't always before :).

My First Fancy Interview: Betsy St. Amant, Author of "Fireman Dad"

2011-07-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

What do I do when I'm not blogging or chasing after Melissa, you might ask?

I'm usually reading, writing or watching reality TV, and in between bugging my writing mentor, Betsy St. Amant. She's one of those rare super talented people who still corresponds with us, mere mortals. Here's the bio from her gorgeous website:

Betsy St. Amant lives in Louisiana and is a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers group. Betsy is multi-published through Steeple Hill and has been published in Christian Communicator magazine and Praise Reports: Inspiring Real Life Stories of How God Answers Prayer. One of her short stories, ‘Kickboxing or Chocolate’, appears in a Tyndale compilation book, and she is also multi-published through The Wild Rose Press. She has a BA in Christian Communications and regularly freelances for her local newspaper. Betsy is a fireman’s wife, a mommy to a busy toddler, a chocolate-loving author and an avid reader who enjoys sharing the wonders of God’s grace through her stories.

Betsy's latest novel is Fireman Dad, which was just given a 4 star review by Romantic Times Magazine. This fun and heartwarming story is about a stubborn woman, a hunky and determined man (the best combination :) and one of the most honorable professions out there. Betsy lets us in on the fears - and blessings - on being in love with a hero.

Betsy, you're awesome. How can you write a gazillion books, have a couple of part time jobs, a toddler and still put up with my hormonal emails?

To be honest? I still don't know. Ha! I chalk it up to the grace of God, and a totally unnatural amount of self-discipline. I'm a detailed, organized, goal-setting, list-making kind of girl, so I don't mind wearing the SuperWoman sometimes. There are definitely moments, though, when it chokes me and I have a hysterical fit that ends in my 3 year old patting my shoulder: "Cheer up Mama". She's good for resetting my priorities :) Trust me, I'm not perfect or Super. But thanks for the awesome compliment. I'll take it and stitch it on my cape.

Your leading lady has an aversion to dating firemen. Since you're married to one, can you point out the upsides?

Sure! There are definitely good and bad parts of being a fireman's wife, as the heroine discovered so well in the story. The downsides are obvious - crazy schedules, missed family time, low pay and significant danger. But the good parts include bragging rights (my hubbys a hero!) and how sexy they look in uniform ;). Also, the crazy schedule can sometimes be a good thing. All departments vary depending on city and state but typically, firemen around here work "5 on, 6 off" which means he works a 24 hour shift, is off 24 hours, works 24 hours, off 24 hours...5 times, and then gets 6 days off in a row. This is great for family time or taking vacations, yet not having to use actual banked vacation time. It's a huge plus and also makes working a side job easier. Plus, you sometimes get discounts at restaurants ;).

Despite Marissa's fears, her son wants to be a fireman when he grows up. Would you freak out if your daughter decided to do that? Are there any firegirls, by the way? Pardon my ignorance.

I probably would freak out, but thankfully I have a long time before my daughter decides on a career! haha. There are firewomen, but its pretty rare, at least around here, because of the physical requirements. There are physical tests before getting on the stations (especially city departments, often the country districts are volunteer only or have fewer requirements). You have to literally prove you can carry a human body so many yards and drag hoses and climb ladders and bail out windows from a two story building... It's not easy. Sure, there are women out there who COULD do it, but probably not a lot who WANT to. ;) To the ones who did, kudos!!!

It's very annoying how Marissa and Jacob are always supposed to be together in every single scene but never do until the very end. Why must you torture us so much?

Because otherwise the book would end on Chapter 1? HAHAH!

That's okay, we're tortured but we like it. The best part of the entire book for me is your testimony on the last page. It's amazing how God's come through for your family. Is that what compelled you to write the book?

I do enjoy torturing my readers. And my characters. But all to the greater good! Hehe. Seriously, though, yes, the true story part of this novel (as explained in the Dear Reader letter in the back) is exactly what prompted this story. It had to be told.

If you had to pick an actress to play Marissa in a movie, who would it be? I'd pick Alison Sweeney (Sami from Days of Our lives) - she has a good "angry but in love" face.

Ohhhh good choice! I answered this question in another interview and chose Julianne Hough. What do you think?

I love her! Who would you pick for Jacob? Kirk Cameron already has experience playing a fireman in Fireproof - but he doesn't do kissing scenes, and Fireman Dad's movie would have some really good ones :).

Yes, there must be kisses. I chose Josh Duhamel.

I like him too, but can't forget those rumors about him cheating on Fergie (probably not true) - people would never say that about Jacob :). Anyway, to wrap it up, could you elaborate on why Christian romance is so awesome?

I think Christian romances are awesome because not only do they inspire and encourage someone still waiting to find the right person to share their lives with, they also remind said reader that the ultimate Lover of our souls is Jesus. And that while finding earthly love is wonderful and a blessing and something to strive for, it's not the bottom line. We'll truly never be satisfied in our hearts until we connected with the One who set them to beating.

Fireman Dad will be available on August 1st. Order it on ChristianBook here! Also, check out Betsy's blog.

2nd Pregnancy Ramblings: Can't Believe I'm Doing This Again

2011-07-02T16:00:00.001-07:00

Seriously, I can't. Not that I'm not excited - I am, it's just VERY surreal. So sorry if this post is scattered and doesn't really make sense. I usually don't anymore.

When we first thought of getting pregnant, I felt like we were cheating on Melissa. It felt absurd to think of loving another child as much as her. Impossible, even. Then, when I realized it would be possible, I was afraid of it. Afraid of what it would mean to care so much for two people and being still just one person.

Now, it must be that I'm less afraid. Or that, with the decision to move to Texas, I'm breathing in relief to know there will be other family members around to help me love these little people. But the fact is, I feel more excited than afraid. Instead of thinking: "oh my gosh, I already die of worry about Melissa, how can I handle double that" to "how awesome will it be to be as amazed as I am with Melissa, only twice??"

Another reason for my better perspective could be that Melissa's growing SO fast, talking and understand much more than ever that maybe I miss her babyness. She has recently discovered she has a will, and that she can fight it until she gets what she wants. For that often she uses "emotional intimidation" - which consists of crying as if her heart is broken forever. The first time she did this I comforted her, thinking she'd just been traumatized. But after the fifth trauma in the same morning, I realized they might have been premeditated. She sure knows how to turn on the waterworks.

I'm missing when I used to able to calm her as a tiny baby. When she was too small and too undeveloped to be this strong-willed. But then again, at that time I used to be jealous of moms with toddlers, who bragged about the cute things their kids said/did. I guess we're never satisfied, are we?

Maybe the point of this rambling is that, while I still can't believe I'm doing this again, I'm up for it. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention - I feel the baby sometimes!! I know a bunch of people out there might think I'm crazy, but I'm so sure of it. And hey, according to thebump.com, right now (11 weeks) baby's the size of a lime. So imagine if there was a little lime inside your stomach with tiny arms and webbed fingers swimming away. You'd feel it, right? Sure, by the first pregnancy you'd think it was gas, but by the second, you KNOW it. Gas doesn't go "tap tap tap tap", like walking in circles inside you.

So this is the end of my first 2nd pregnancy ramblings. More to come. Now that I didn't go to Brazil (read update at the bottom of latest post), at least I'm excited I'll get an appointment on the 13th (not this Wednesday, the next one). Please pray everything will be ok!

I Want to Fast Forward This Week

2011-06-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh, what a week it's been. SO much has happened, and SO much is threatening to happen if something very important doesn't happen. Let me explain.

First, the easy to describe part: hubby, Melissa and I have a trip to Brazil scheduled for this Friday. Awesome, right? Well, it will be, as long as I get the 2 dang passports we need (my renewed one and Melissa's), that over a month ago they guaranteed me it would arrive before this trip!! As far as I knew, this is over 2 weeks late. AND it's supposed to be express mail, from San Francisco - so if they sent me (which I'm hoping so!) it would've arrived the next day. I'm FREAKING OUT. Every time I look out the window and the USPS lady isn't there I feel my heart break, much like in my teenage ears when I'd expect a call/email from the crush of the moment. I'm a mess, you guys. I'm too hormonal to deal with this much anxiety.

If these passports don't come, of course we'll have to postpone the trip - and as upsetting as it is, it'd actually be the least of our problems. The tricky thing would be to figure out for when. I've called the consulate a million times to find out what the heck happened to our passports and no. one. EVER. answeeeeers!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SO angry you guys have no idea. I've left 4 (or maybe 5) messages on the verge of tears pleading for them to get back to me, and nothing. Honestly, I don't think anybody even cares to check the messages there. Before you have a chance to leave a message, there's this ridiculously long recording (like 5 minutes) describing their requirements for documents (which you can also find on the website). So I guess they just assume this is all we need. Ugh!!! And to think that David and I couldn't stop talking about how nice everybody was when we went there.

So, believe it or not, this was the easy part to describe :). The hard part, and that might seem very sudden to our friends is that we have made the official decision to move to Texas. Not just, in the future, but soon. Like 2 months from now. More specifically, September 1st.

We'll try emailing our closest friends to tell more details about it, but sorry if we take a bit - we're still up in the air with this whole trip situation, and also with the things to figure out for the move. It's sudden for us too! But trust us, we're really, really happy about it. We've always thought of going there at some point (to raise our kids near family), and it seems like this is the first time we feel complete peace about it.

I don't want to give too many details here on the blog for the world to see, but we WILL explain it all to our friends eventually, please be patient. Just pray that we'll get through this week and maybe even make it to the plane on Friday. Oh, God, please. We REALLY need this vacation.

**Update: Good news - we got the passports!! They were on the consulate all this time, can you believe it?? The complicated news is that we realized that if we waited until September to travel (right before our move to Texas) we'd save a LOT of money. So I guess God allowed this for us to realize it. I'm sad I'm not arriving in Brazil right now, but glad we'll have a little more savings to help us with the transition. THANKS to everyone that prayed/sent happy thoughts!

Aaaah!! There's Another Baby Inside Me!!!

2011-06-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

If anyone wondered why I haven't posted nearly as often as I used to, here's the reason...

Here we go again!!!!!!! :D 10 weeks on Thursday - due date January 20th 2012.

I couldn't believe how quickly the positive line appeared. And it was even stronger than the one that shows the test is working! With Melissa, all I'd gotten was a very faint one.

So forgive me for my lack of creativity lately, I've just been trying to exist without puking on my child. Even though much like my first pregnancy, I haven't actually puked, but feel on the edge of it almost constantly. It SUCKS. Big time.

I look at all the people I know that might think pregnancy is this dream experience, and I'll tell you, it is NOT. You might be thrilled about the idea before it actually happens, but once you are, well, let's just say it's really hard to be nauseated AND excited. While your toddler whines in confusion of why you're not so playful anymore.

Of course I'm generalizing - I'm sure a lot of preggies out there have wonderful symptom-free pregnancies and/or a much much better attitude than mine. Or better hormones, it may be. I feel so altered I can't even stand myself. At least this time I know I'm not going crazy and this does not mean that my motherly skills are doomed (as I feared in my first), so I just put up with it with a fake smile. Most of the time.

Okay, before I sound like the grounchy old pregnant witch of the west... There are some things that make me smile. Such as:

Melissa's little girl-ness. The way she snuggles with her stuffed animals, dances and sings to herself. It makes me hopeful that, one day, I'll have two kids being this cute. Which is totally worth the first crazy months I heard of about having two kids.

The un-mystery of labor. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that I've already pushed a baby out once. And I didn't die. Neither did my organs all fall out from the gigantic whole caused by the baby's head. I know, I'm being dramatic, but this was my subconscious fear. I just couldn't imagine going through this and surviving, or at least dying of pain. But I'm happy to say it didn't hurt much more than a bad constipation.

The lower expectations. Much like your wedding, the first time you have this unrealistic view of what carrying a child should feel like. I thought it'd be magical 100% of the time, and since I'd always loved how pregnant women looked, I thought I'd feel like a goddess. Uh, not so. But at least this time I have no unrealistic hopes about still having ankles at the end of this. Which is strangely freeing.

The lower fear. I think the biggest characteristic of my first pregnancy was sheer panic. Panic that anything would happen to the baby, that I'd feel miserable forever, that I'd permanently morph into a whale. Not that the worry about the baby or myself ever goes away - it kinda comes with the fetus! - but at least I'm happy to report I'm not NEARLY as terrified as the other time. I think then I walked around in a constant deer-in-the-headlights state. Now, chasing Melissa, I don't even have time to panic as much. Besides, I'm much more confident I'm gonna like the end results :).

Book Review: Canary Island Song by Robin Jones Gunn

2011-06-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

First, pause for *squeeeeeeeal* about receiving this not yet published book of my very first favorite author! She asked on her newsletter if any bloggers would be interested, and I was like, "YES!! Pick MEEEE!!!"

Ahem. Okay, let me compose myself. I should give you guys a little history: when I was 13 (14 years ago), still living in Brazil, I discovered her Christy Miller Series. Back then, you couldn't find Christian teen novels, at least not contemporary ones that were as fun as hers. I was so hooked that, for my 16th birthday, I asked for 12 of her books ordered by Amazon (since not all of her series had been translated to Portuguese yet). So for entire 6 months, you'd only find me buried behind them, which probably hurt my social life, come to think about it. But I never noticed. It was an absolute dream.

The reason I mention this is that in Canary Island Song (which is for an older audience), there's not one, but two people who've been mentioned in her teen series. I think all of her longtime readers will agree with me that it's created an addiction that will not go away. We will forever wonder what happened to Christy & Todd, Katie Weldon and Sierra Jensen. Aah... I feel like I'm talking about my high school best friends. Which is making me sound more like a nerd. So back to the new book.

Another cool thing about it is that the main character lives in San Francisco (though she's out on a trip for most of the story), and I live in this area (just about an hour away). Also, Robin's description of the Canary Islands kind of reminded me of my homeland. Not exactly - the culture is still different, but just the concept of a more laid back approach to life. I think there is more of a mindset to enjoy life than I find here in the States. Though honestly, I don't think one place is better than the other, they're just different! But reading this book actually made me homesick, which I didn't anticipate.

I liked the character's transformation on her trip, but during the middle of the story I think I just missed more interaction between her and Brian. I think the author wanted to focus on her healing first and then unravel their relationship, but I found myself reading as fast as I could just to get to their dates haha. But I guess that's just me - I'm an EAGER reader. If you give me a potential couple in the beginning, from then on all I'll be thinking is, "have they kissed yet??" :) What I've been trying to learn is to enjoy the ride (also as a writer).

To sum it up, it's a lovely story about how we need God's healing in order to move forward and enjoy what's next in our lives. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention: Robin's an ending expert. Even if you can already tell where she's going, she makes it happen in a way that still surprises you. Then you're like: "I knew they'd end up together, why am I tearing up??" Because she's an artist, that's why. And because she writes with her heart.

So without further ado, here's the publisher's description:

When Carolyn’s grown daughter tells her she needs to "get a life," Carolyn decides it’s time to step out of her familiar routine as a single woman in San Francisco and escape to her mother’s home in the Canary Islands. Since Carolyn’s mother is celebrating her seventieth birthday, the timing of Carolyn’s visit makes for a perfect surprise.

The surprise, however, is on Carolyn when she sees Bryan Spencer, her high school summer love. It’s been seven years since Carolyn lost her husband, but ever since that tragic day, her life has grown smaller and closed in. The time has come for Carolyn to get her heart back. It takes the gentle affection of her mother and aunts, as well as the ministering beauty and song of the islands to draw Carolyn into the fullness of life. She is nudged along by a Flamenco dance lesson, a defining camel ride and the steady gaze of Bryan’s intense blue-gray eyes.

Is it too late for Carolyn to trust Bryan? Can Carolyn believe that Bryan has turned into something more than the wild beach boy who stole her kisses so many years ago on a balmy Canary night?

Carolyn is reminded that Christopher Columbus set sail from the Canary Islands in 1492 on his voyage to discover the New World. Is she ready to set sail from these same islands to discover her new life?

Author Bio
Robin Jones Gunn is the much-loved author of seventy titles that have sold more than four million copies worldwide. Her popular Christy Miller series and Sisterchicks® novels have won a number of awards, including three Christy Awards for excellence in fiction, and a Gold Medallion Award finalist award. Robin's unique destination novels transport readers around the globe. To ensure that her tales of these extraordinary locations ring true, Robin has enjoyed the privilege of traveling to each location in order to experience the local culture. Her three visits to the Canary Islands provided bountiful research as she took flamenco dance lessons, rode a camel, and visited the chapel where Columbus prayed before departing on his famous journey. Robin and her husband have two grown children and live in Hawaii.

You can order this book on Christianbook here. It will be released on 07/05/11.

Mornings With Melissa

2011-06-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'm SO happy when you come get me!

But wait! I have to finish jumping up and down first.

Actually, it's just kind of fun to watch you try to catch me.

You'd never guess I was screaming bloody murder just a minute ago.

What Your Child Wants

2011-05-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just realized that if this had been the title of a well written book, it'd be a best seller :). And not because I'm such a title genius, but because this is the question every parent asks every single day: what on earth does this kid want??

It's wonderful to learn some things that work - like favorite healthy (or at least not too unhealthy) foods, distractions most likely to stop tantrums, etc. But, several times in 24 hours, I find myself wondering what exactly goes into my daughter's head. Why did she seem to be crying for the ball, but now that I got it for her, she acts as if I've offended her. Why does she whine and shake her arms around the house, refusing to be comforted, fed or played with. Granted, this doesn't happen all the time - she's usually a very sweet kid, but sometimes, she's just annoyed. Period. It's like she REALLY wants something and is REALLY upset she just doesn't know how to tell me.

It doesn't help that the last few days I haven't been feeling my best (but that's a subject for another post). Yesterday was horrible, since I was a zombie half the day and Melissa puked twice (which she hadn't done in awhile). So today, I just decided to throw all expectation through the window and just take each minute - no, each second - as they came. Melissa threw her food on the floor? Okay, now I'm going to pick it up and the next second we're going to figure out what to do about her. No need having an emotional breakdown over this. Even though of course it's the first impulse to do so.

NOT saying at all that I haven't had any "aaaaaargh!!" moments (and the day's not over yet), but I've noticed I've been smiling a lot more. I think Melissa's noticing too. She's been less whiny, and when she does whine, it doesn't last nearly as long. I feel like we've bonded even more - she gave me little kissies in both cheeks! I don't think she'd ever kissed my cheeks (aside from a lick when she was younger :).

So anyway, this has brought me to my latest "aha" moment:

More than the right food, toy, game, etc, children want us to have a good attitude.

Of course they don't KNOW they want that, but in the end, they just want mommy and daddy to be happy with them, and around them. Our stress gives them stress. Which adds to the pressure for us to be in our best behavior around them, but I've realized it's for my own good. If I don't want my child to have a negative attitude, then I should not have one. It sounds so simple, yet it is SO hard, isn't it??

Try this today. Don't sweat the small stuff. Your life will not end if the carpet is dirty (trust me, I know!). Neither it will if the child is dirty, or if her feeding schedule isn't immaculate. I think we can do a lot more things right if we stop stressing out about doing them JUST right. That's a sure way of making a cranky mommy - and in the end, a cranky baby.

Never Thought I'd Say This: I Miss Breastfeeding

2011-05-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

<- A year ago, I was SO excited when this started. Now I am...not.

I miss it when I could quiet Melissa instantly.

I miss it when she was too little to get away from me, or to do too much damage.

I miss not stressing out about preparing her meals (and worrying if she'll even eat it, or if it will end up on the floor or - most likely - both).

I miss being able to call my baby a baby.

But really, the thing I miss the most is the assurance that she's receiving all the nutrients she needs. I know, I sound like a Gerber commercial :), but it's a real worry of mine. I don't even know how she can be my daughter if she barely eats any meat! She'll only take cheeseburger pieces (bun, cheese & meat), but if we offer beef or chicken or you name it by itself, she won't have it.

My hope everyday is to make her have enough yogurt, cheese and Nutella & wheat bread sandwiches to give her some protein. I also haven't weaned her off of the pureed baby foods (though her doctor said I should) because that's the only way she'll ever eat veggies like sweet potatoes and corn. By the way, these are the ONLY veggies she'll take. At least she does like my V8 Juice (which is a fruit and vegetables combination). Too bad it makes her puke occasionally.

I've tried eggs, egg whites, ham (which she liked for a bit and now declared death to it), fish... I can't believe I gave birth to a vegetarian! Hopefully this is like when I offered her chocolate cake for the 1st time on her birthday and she hated it, but now she's definitely pro-chocolate (if I don't hide them, she even figures out how to unwrap 'em by herself). Whew. For a moment I thought we'd brought home the wrong baby.

So, anyone out there with toddler eating concerns? Tired of cleaning up their mess (because she will NOT let me feed her anymore) and changing them several times a day? Please send your advice and commiseration!

As a Mom, I Wonder...

2011-05-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

<- What goes on into this cute little head?

I never liked to put up a front of "super mommy". If somebody reading this ever thought I did, it was completely unintentional. And I'm flattered you thought so :).

As hard as it is to be a parent, I think it's even harder to try to look like you're perfect at it. Or to even believe there is such a thing as the "perfect" way to parent. That said, please don't judge me when I reveal some of my own questionings.

Do toddlers NEED pajamas?
First let's define what pajamas would be. Comfortable clothes? But isn't that what she's supposed to wear all the time anyway? Or what, is she supposed to wear a tutu during the day? So my only way out of this dilemma is to put her in jeans when we go out (with a cute girly top, of course). At home, she lives in pajamas. Whatever that means.

Why is TV the Devil?
I don't understand. I know we're not supposed to just leave 'em in front of it and play with them as much as we physically can, but eventually, I'll wear out. If I had a full time job, it'd be required by law that I take a break every so often. Why doesn't the same thing apply to stay-at-home moms?? And sometimes, if you don't turn on the Wiggles, your child is NEVER going to let you take that break.

How Much of a Germaphobe Should I Be?
When our babies are small, you want to wash the world around her with boiling water. But at 18 months, honestly, I've lost hope. If I were to freak out with everything she sticks in her mouth, I'd live in a constant state of alarm. Now that I think about it, I kinda do.

How do I know She's REALLY a Prodigy?
Melissa is fascinated with music and singing. She's also unusually (I think, since I never had another kid) nice and polite. She says "please" and "thank you" for almost everything, and I don't think I even seen her mad at a playmate, ever. She might get mad at us if she doesn't get her way, but whenever a friend throws a fit, she just looks confused, like it's not in her genetic make up to fight. Okay, I already know the answer to this question (of course she is :).

How do I know I'm REALLY Doing it Right?
I think every parent asks themselves that. I know she's happy because of her constant jumping and dancing, the huggies & kisses she gives me, and how often she wants to snuggle. But if a child specialist came over to evaluate my performance, I'm afraid I'd fail. This suspicion haunts me whenever she falls from one of her crazy climbs, or I think I've broken her heart forever because I was writing when she wanted me to chase her. It's SO hard to feel like you've done it right ALL day. So I just hold on to the fact that she's happy. And that's all the matters, right?

Do The Write Thing

2011-05-13T19:05:00.001-07:00

<-Picture my friend Jen took on her phone after I told her the content of this post (please ignore the paleness :).

I think most bloggers are aspiring writers. Or at least just like it as a hobby, which I wish was my case sometimes. That way I could concentrate all of my writing energy here and create amazing posts nearly everyday. And this blog is such an amazing outlet for me to vent about motherhood that I never want to abandon it.

But the thing is, when I have an idea for a story, that's ALL I think about. I have to convince myself to stop obsessing over it long enough for me to sleep. And it's even harder not to use every single free minute on it, which can ultimately wear your mind out until you can't write anymore. But you're still addicted, so you end up just staring at the screen a lot.

This is the first time I'm ever mentioning my writing struggles on this blog, so I think this is progress. I just figured that instead of disappearing whenever I'm immersed into a new project, I could just be honest about it. Maybe this will encourage some other writing-addict out there. Who knows.

I also always thought that I'd have to be published to be comfortable telling people I actually write. But you see, turns out in September, I'll be attending this awesome American Christian Fiction Writers Conference in St. Louis, so I think I should get used to it. There, I'll need to be able to sell what I wrote and know how to talk about it. I still don't want to reveal my newest plot here (still developing it!), but at least I'm confessing my addiction. I write. What's yours?

Mother's Day Amnesia

2011-05-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

<- Outside of IHOP looking springy :).

I cannot believe I have no recollection of last year's Mother's Day. Melissa was already sleeping through the night by then, so I don't have the sleep deprivation excuse. I just have the too-focused-on-the-new-baby-to-notice-anything-else one.

BUT this year I guarantee you I'll remember for a long time. You can ask me next year. I ate what felt like an entire cow at IHOP and Melissa didn't fuss, then I went shopping at the mall BY MYSELF. All the while - wait for it - WEARING A DRESS. I didn't know I could break so many records in one afternoon.

Now that I think about it, this is the description of my Mother's Day Eve - the day itself I might forget. Maybe because as wonderful as the eve was, it involved an insane amount of walking (and several hours of Melissa-watching for daddy), resulting in both of us completely wiped out on the day we were actually supposed to celebrate. But that's okay because we had church (which, with Melissa in the nursery for 1 hour and half, is like a date) and later in the day Melissa's long lost brother (Daniel, the boy I watched for about a week while my friend worked) came over. It might sound like 2 kids 2 and under would be more exhausting than 1, but not necessarily. They entertain each other pretty nicely. Now Melissa's having withdraws and being needier and fussier than ever.

So sorry if this post (or my last few posts) are all over the place, but this is what my life feels like lately. I'm exhausted at the end of everyday and am not sure what exactly I got done. At least I'm happy to report our place is presentable on a regular basis (another record!) and Melissa's is getting lots of play time (like in a few minutes, another friend will arrive with her girl). So considering the loss of my brain cells ever since she was born, I'm getting a lot done!

Too Much Mom Tuesday: Have You Arrived?

2011-05-03T14:28:00.000-07:00

<- There's no perfect stop! :)

I guess my last post could've been a "Too Much Mom" post, couldn't it? I talked much more about style than motherhood (even though it was somehow related). But today I want to talk about something that I think everyone could relate to, mothers or not.

Do you ever feel like you've "arrived"? Do you have those moments that you think, "I'm living the dream"? Not to say that you ever fully arrive - there's always something else to achieve, thank God. Or else life would become boring.

But I'm talking about the other extreme. About restlessness, and feeling uncomfortable in your own shoes. Do you ever feel proud of yourself? You know, you should. I'm 100% positive that everyone reading this has grown in some point of their lives, and has something now that seemed like a distant possibility in the past.

I mention this because I have come to the conclusion that this restless feeling never fully goes away. Some of my non-mommy friends might look at me as if I have arrived and they haven't. But I look at them thinking of how they don't need the pounds of concealer I wear under my eyes, and how they can just go anywhere anytime. I also have single friends who might get the idea that having a family means everyday is a fairytale. Trust me, life is NEVER perfect. And if you're not content now, a husband and a kid won't make any difference (as much as it might seem like it would).

The people closest to me know that I've always had to work on being content. It becomes a habit to only see what didn't work out - even if it's minimal - rather than what did. And then that seems to start a domino effect, making everything else fall apart too. You know how some days when you drop something on the floor, and then it keeps happening again and again?

It's the same with our attitude. A crappy thought attracts more crappy, self-loathing thoughts, until you've successfully spoiled everything you had going for yourself. And what you didn't, well, you're too crappy to notice. It hasn't been that long since I've realized this, and it's made a world of difference since then. I watch my thoughts like a hawk. Not that I've ever arrived - of course not :) - but I've come a long way from allowing one bad moment or one thing that I don't have to keep me from enjoying what's around me.

I'm sure each of you live pretty fabulous lives and don't even know it. For a second, don't think about what you want to achieve; think about how much you wanted what you have right now. That diploma, that job, that child or that independence. If you really think about it, you know you got it going on :).

There's No Place Like The Mall

2011-05-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

<- Okay, these aren't exactly Dorothy's shoes, but don't they look like they'd take you somewhere magical?

This has been a very, very important weekend for me, style wise. You see, ever since I had a baby, I wasn't sure exactly what it was. Geez, now that I think about it, even before my pregnancy. After college, I went through an illumination period when I defined exactly what I wanted (doll-like shoes/accessories, and beaded everything), so shopping was a breeze. I was getting compliments for what I wore for the first time, and even a lot of "wow, you're dressing way better" - as in, you sucked before. Which I was much more grateful for than offended.

But ever since becoming a married lady, and eventually a mother, my college-like apparel didn't really seem to fit. I mean, literally. But even mentally - I didn't identity with the "little girl" look anymore, but at the same time didn't want to look too old. This led me to many strictly functional trips to Target, when I'd just buy whatever covered me with a v-neck (to avoid looking any rounder). It was (or it's been) a dark age for me fashion-wise, but I was too distracted with marriage and childbearing to give it much thought.

Now, that Melissa's an independent toddler, I finally looked at myself in the mirror and realized I had no idea if I liked what I saw. There was no piece of clothing that I really took pride on, and no intentional look of any sort. I simply covered myself. How sad is that?

So one sweet day, I stumbled upon a few coupons for Kohl's and Payless, and that gave me the perfect excuse to go shopping. What husband can argue with coupons, right? So after couple of wonderful hours with partner in crime Jen (who had her own post-baby fashion emergency), I purchased not one, but two summer dresses! This might seem silly, but those who know me know what a progress this is for me. I'm a jeans girl, so to be able to say I'm wearing a flowery dress as I type is the sign of a new era.

Well, the next day after that, it was time to spend my Payless coupon! I planned on just getting some basic brown sandals for my dresses, but could not resist when I saw those shoes. I tried them on just for fun (since I have zero things to wear them with), and couldn't not take them.

I hope I'm not boring you all with my shopping adventures, but the point of this post is that I think - hope - I've found my post-baby style. It involves cute flats (for baby chasing), ruffles (for belly hiding) and yes, even dresses. Because twirling happens to be one of the best ways to entertain a child.

And speaking of whom, I'm so glad to see her following in my footsteps :).

How Easter Gave Me Twins

2011-04-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

Nope, NOT pregnant - and I probably wouldn't have known it was twins by now :). Read on to know the reason for the title!

How was Easter for everyone? Ours was great, even though we didn't have anything planned for Easter Day until, um, Easter Day. But we made it to church (half an hour late) and Melissa looked absolutely adorable in a dress her grandma made her.

We did have some plans for the weekend, like taking Melissa to an Easter party and even stop by a Memorial for a friend's sister afterwards, but wouldn't you know, nothing worked out. It seems like lately there's always someone sick in our house, or all 3 of us. This time it was David, who every once in awhile gets a really, really bad migraine. Fun.

So we spent Easter weekend more indoors than out, but I think God had a plan in all this (doesn't He always). It kinda forced us to stop everything and just be still with each other as a family. At the end of Saturday David felt better and we had a nice dinner at IHOP. We love it there because, besides the awesome menu, it reminds us of our honeymoon, when we had breakfast in one every morning (across the street from Disneyland!). And it's also one of the only places where we can feed Melissa without anything upsetting her fragile stomach (my high maintenance legacy continues :). So even though we weren't "productive" at all and none of our plans worked, it turned out to be the best Easter I've ever had.

Oh and something cool happened when we were leaving church: my friend Mindy told me she needed someone to watch Daniel (her 2-year-old) this week while she works, because of his Spring Break. Now, I've never been babysitter extraordinaire, BUT I have been worried about Melissa not getting much of a chance to play with other kids. I even prayed about it last week, so this seemed God-sent! I told myself it'd be like having twins :), and felt surprisingly comfortable with that thought. I guess I was just excited Melissa would have a little friend.

So 3 days later, it's been awesome. Daniel is THE easiest kid in the world. He's as easy as mine, minus the emotional breakdowns haha (she's such a girl :). Already caught them holding hands twice, and both days I was able to put them down to sleep at the same time. I still can't believe it!! But they have so much fun playing together and then they crash wonderfully. I know two kids is supposed to be super hard, but I think God's spoiling me! Or tricking me into having another one ;).

Toddler Anger Management

2011-04-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

<- You'd never guess.

I heard the terrible twos could start as soon as 18 months (Melissa's age in a week), and last as long as their 30th birthday haha. At the same time, I heard some kids are just good and don't have them at all.

Well, my daughter is fantastic. And that is why she's so efficient at letting her will be known. And this is absolutely adorable when she's happy - or at least not crappy. She smiles more, claps more, talks more, makes more expressions, is more affectionate and understands us WAY better. Sounds like a dream, right?

Um, not always. It becomes a problem since she now knows how to show us how much we frustrate her. At least that's how my guilt-induced mom brain sees it most of the time - I think hubby has a much healthier view of it (don't them all). He's the one who woke me up to the fact that she might not be in deep distress (despite the wails and the tears and the screams and the look of suffering); she may be just testing the limits.

What? My heart would wonder. My sweet, sweet little baby is throwing a tantrum just because?? Yep. I have realized that despite her innocent face and wonderful kissies and huggies when she's in the mood for it, sometimes my daughter has an agenda. And that agenda is to be entertained AND see how far she can go. What else she can get if she whines just a little bit more. Maybe mommy will pull a pony out of her butt.

Sorry for the crudeness, I'm just at my wit's end sometimes. Not exactly right now - she's being the compliant girl I remembered (thank you, Wiggles). But it's like a time bomb. I wonder if that's how it's like for people in abusive relationships.

Too Much Mom Tuesday: Spahhhh

2011-04-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

<- This is how I want to be buried.

What better way to celebrate this non-mommy post than to talk about the happiest place on earth?

It seems almost mean that I would write about this when so many of us (like me) can't afford to get pampered very often, if at all. There used to be a time when getting a massage every couple of months was a must for me. It was also a time when I'd go to the movies every single weekend, and do my nails about every month.

Sigh. Those days are over.

Lately, while I'm going about my day, I seem to be having flashbacks of my teen/college years. Which is funny 'cause I would NEVER want to go back, but I think my body is trying to tell me something. Like, "you used to treat me better, and why oh why do you abuse me today." So I've been trying to find little ways to show myself some love, without having to break the bank. Here's what I got so far:

Doing My Own Nails
Speaking of that, you HAVE to check out this video (if you haven't already - it seems like everybody has):

If you didn't have the patience to watch, she's joking about how nice ladies at nail salons try to sell you more services. And you see, when you do your own nails, you do it on YOUR terms. Yeah, it's tricky to get the hang of it, but once you do (not that I'm there already, but improving as we speak), you start getting picky about how other people do your nails. It's very irritating when someone does it worse than you would've at home and charge you $20 for it. See, girls, there are advantages!

Do Your Own Aromatherapy
I think one of things that addicted me to spas was their wonderful smell (the good ones, at least). But you see, you can BUY these things (for a couple dollars at Target/Bath&Body Works). After I started using a wonderfully scented body wash, my spa cravings have drastically reduced. I highly recommend smelling like a cupcake.

Don't Skip The Moisturizer
After an exhausting day, it was very tempting to just go straight to bed after a shower. Because remember, my big hair = a long and tiring detangling process. But as I got more disciplined about not skipping the body lotion routine, it gave me a nice auto-massage. It's amazing how much just a bit of pressure as you apply the lotion can help your achy muscles. It also helps if it smells like cupcakes (but might make you hungry at night, so maybe not).

When All Fails, Just Go To a Spa Already
I have a groupon on hold, waiting to be used on my next breakdown. It's been over a month, so I guess I should be proud of myself. Or I could reward myself with a good massage.

The Cleaning Fairy

2011-04-06T15:37:00.000-07:00

<- Don't you love this? Though mine just might be over...

When I was younger, my mom used to joke with us that there was a cleaning fairy (her) that made our clothes magically appear clean in our closets. I told hubby about it and now when I tell him to pick up his socks or something he goes, "but the fairy is going to come!" Haha. Not so funny when the fairy is ME.

Well, considering he's usually the one who cooks, I guess I can't complain much. But my frustration was more towards myself - I wished I could be neater. But taking care of a toddler seemed so overwhelming that there seemed to be no opportunity (or strength or disposition) left for the toys around the carpet the end of the day. I'd think, "I'm soooo exhausted, and what's the point, it'll look the same way tomorrow morning".

So when my dear friend Kim told me about the Fly Lady (a website that encourages women to clean), I was kinda skeptical. Not of the website per se, but of my ability to commit to it. But just for the heck of it, I signed up.

Their premise is that your house did not become chaotic in a day, so you're not gonna clean it in a day. What you'll do is take baby steps - establish one good habit at a time, until keeping it clean doesn't become a huge effort. Genius, no?

I just started this, so don't quote me on anything - and haven't even successfuly accomplished the first habit, which is "make your sink shine before going to bed". Mine doesn't, but the dishwasher does get filled more often than not. And as predicted on the website, this puts you in a decluttering mood - since a clean sink needs clean counters. Then I'd look at the living room's carpet, full of Melissa's toys, and felt like doing something about it. At almost midnight! This is unheard of.

The thing is, I used to tell myself that if I cleaned I'd get even more exhausted, to the point of not being able to function enough to take care of Melissa, but that is not true. I can't function regardless :). J/k (sort of), but what I mean is that it just feels like I've been working out - you know, that kind of exhaustion that makes you feel proud of yourself. I used to feel tired all the time before anyway, so why did I think this would be the end of the world?

Now, our place is NOT yet spotless. Remember, baby steps, people. Please do not show up unannounced. But if you do, I might not die of embarrassment as much as before. And you might not have to witness the remains of Melissa's breakfast.

The Attack of the Mom-Jeans

2011-04-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

<- Taken the weekend she ruined all of my non-mom-jeans - and still got a hug afterwards.

If you've seen this post, you know how elated I was with my first non-pregnancy jeans purchase after Melissa. Those were the best pants I'd ever had. Or at least it felt like it at the moment.

I still have them, but can't wear them anymore because of one itsy bitsy problem - the pounds I gained after stopping breastfeeding. It didn't happen overnight, so there wasn't one traumatic blow up, just me one day trying on stuff that used to feel baggy on me before and freaking out when they wouldn't close. And I know I'm not the healthiest eater, but I am NOT eating as much as I used to. Plus, I'm moving around much more too, chasing Melissa. So uuuuuurgh!

But *deep breath* okay, I guess it's part of life - so there I go, buying bigger jeans. I managed to still find my favorite style/brand, so it's all good. UNTIL dear little Melissa decided to puke (this little word doesn't even define the amount of damage she did) on not one, but TWO of my favorite pants. And when I say "favorite", I mean "only wearable ones".

Oh, panic, despair, and another trip to the mall (you might guess hubby's loving this saga). To my desperation, Spring has come and apparently it's against the law to have too many jeans on sale at this season. After all, everyone must only wear skirts, right? Um, what about toddler moms, who don't feel like showing their heiny on a windy park??

I do end up finding one pair that works - which happens to be skinny. I love it, but even though it's surprisingly comfortable, it's still skinny jeans, and in a very, very dark wash (an almost black navy blue). Which means my legs are overheated by noon.

Tired of spending money on pants at the mall, I go to Target and find this gem: Mom-Jeans Extraordinaire! In all its glory with just the right amount of bagginess to make chores comfortable and the high waist to hide the post-baby belly (I know, still). I am not proud of this. And when I go out, I still try to wear the skinny jeans. But if you stop by, you might call Stacy & Clinton (from What Not To Wear) on me. Hey, that wouldn't be such a bad idea!

Mommy X Baby Time

2011-03-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

<- Have your people call my people and we'll schedule a play date.

I think I speak for every mom when I say it's hard to find some me-time while taking care of a kid. And I'm kind of used to that, but lately, Melissa's new self-sufficiency is making me a little confused.

I expect her to be clingy. I expect her to want me ALL THE TIME. But what I wasn't expecting was for her to want my ATTENTION all the time, not necessarily me.

She's at the exploring age, so of course she wants to go everywhere and do everything she's not supposed to. I never thought I'd miss the days when she'd cry if I left the room. I mean, I don't miss the crying, but I do wish she'd be more willing to follow me. Now it's like, if momma wants me to go somewhere, therefore the opposite direction must be more interesting.

When I try to pick her up, she uses her own weight down to get away (unless she believes I'll take her to something she wants, like food). I know this is supposed to be expected - after all, terrible two's are just around the corner, right? But the times that puzzle me are when I try to interact with her and she literaly pushes me away, as if I'm interrupting her imagination. Like, "momma, I'm pretending to be [whatever] here, and there's no space for the gigantic mother in this story".

Don't get me wrong, we play together a lot. She's still very sweet and LOVES hugs. Then it's "thank you, bye" (she says it exactly like this :), and off she goes to destroy the house. So I think I'm allowed to go do something else, and that gives her the cue to be extra clingy again.

I'm confused. I try to squeeze in mommy-times here and there, but feel guilty to let her play by herself for too long. Then if I try to join her, she sometimes acts like I'm not doing it right. My guilty mommy-brain starts thinking that it's because she resents me, and I should never have opened the computer in the first place.

Does anyone out there feels this way? When do you know you're entitled to some mommy time, and not just neglecting your child? I know that they're supposed to play a little bit on their own, but I don't want to use this as an excuse to not give her attention. When I'm typing, I'm in my own world. Then she demands I close the computer, gives me a hug and proceeds to ignore me. What's up with that?

Too Tired To Think of a Title

2011-03-28T12:36:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU guys for all the encouragement on the last post! Even though I know it wasn't because of my popularity - most were from a wonderful site called The Lady Bloggers that happened to host a "tea party" this weekend (meaning, blog hopping), and I happened to be the first one there! So for awhile a lot of people only had me and a couple of others to visit haha.

Anyway, I'm still grateful. My sister just left this morning, and now our place feels so empty. Especially since she helped take stuff out of the floor A LOT :). I wish I could have her over every week.

We had a great time walking around the mall, Target, etc - you know, those places that husbands have allergies to. It'd been SO long since I'd had a true girly weekend. Way before Melissa ever came to existence, for sure.

But now it's time to face reality, as well as my total and complete EXHAUSTION. Being a girl is tiring! Those stores are really long. I feel like I ran a marathon everyday for the entire weekend.

I've been trying to continue with my writing projects but it seems my brain muscles are also exhausted. I honestly can't discern what's a great idea/sentence and what's crap. So sorry if this post is crap. I really couldn't come up with anything better.

Oh yay, hubby's here!! Happy happy joy joy. So off to a night of hibernation and high sugar intake. Tomorrow we might not have "Too Much Mom Tuesday", just because I try not to post every single day. And my brain needs to de-fry a little bit until I can start to make sense.

Hostess With the Leastest

2011-03-25T12:43:00.000-07:00

Anyone out there have lots of experience as a hostess? I wish I had a big house so I could receive family (most live far away) more often. But even with my small apartment, I think I could still do a better job on making it more visitor-friendly.

Case in point: my older sister Andrea just came from Indiana yesterday to spend the weekend. And I'm happy to report that, despite my lack of hosting abilities, it's been SO fun - I'd forgotten how good it felt to to laugh in portuguese (our first language, though by now it's more like side-by-side with english). It also helps that she's enjoying having a break from her two girls (Brenna, 9, and Bailey, almost 2) too much to notice how dirty my floors are. Or carpets. Or the toilets. Okay, I'd better stop here.

It's not that our place isn't clean - it's just not "deep clean", it's more like "livable clean". It works for us, but I get embarrassed when other people witness it. I honestly don't know how other people take care of kids full time and still keep spotless houses. If you're one of them, how do you do it?? I'd like to know.

So if I disappear for a few days, it's because I'm enjoying my guest, or frantically vacuuming.

Too Much Mom Tuesday: Random Joy!

2011-03-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

*Too Much Mom Tuesday: The post where I try not to say the word "mom" (except for now :)*

Oh I'm so glad someone in this world thinks I'm stylish (or my blog, at least - you wouldn't if you saw me in live action :).

Bless you, Ms Blase' (from The Unpopular Girl in Womanhood), for giving me such a joyful reason to post! Check out her blog, guys - it's one of the coolest out there.

So now, the tradition says that I'm supposed to list 7 random things about myself. I've done this once here, if you want to know 7 more :). But here's what I've got today:

1-I live in jeans. I'm a girly, dress-loving girl at heart, but in practical ways, nothing substitutes my jeans. But I only have 3; a dark and more fitted one for going out, my pregnancy one (which I used up to when Melissa was a year old) and a stay-at-home one, that wouldn't work for long walks because it'd need a belt (hence why it's so comfy :). And I'm extending my jeans habit to Melissa - instead of ruffle dresses, she gets the cutest glittered/embroidered pants ever.

2-I'm an aspiring novelist. Whew, I can't believe I just came out of the closet! I feel like I just told everyone I want to be a movie star. True, this isn't that much of an impossible dream, but it's still hard. Especially when you're the eagerest person in the world, who often can only be calmed down with chocolate.

3-I used to draw clothes when I was little. That's what I did during classes - my notebooks had more little princesses with tutu dresses than actual home/class work. I thought I'd end up going to fashion school, but I had little interest in sewing and even less in doing the math necessary to sew.

4-This blog is almost a year old! I just realized this last night, and still can't believe it. It feels like yesterday since I decided to document my mommy thoughts (after, at first, sending emails to myself haha - dorky, I know). What should I do to celebrate? Anything you guys would like me to post that I hadn't yet? Let me know!

5-I will never join twitter. I think Melissa already suffers enough with my addiction to this blog and facebook. I even tried posting random things that happen on facebook, just because I do enjoy reading other people's, but it doesn't feel natural to me. It just feels...random.

6-I need a diet that allows me to eat chocolate, bread and lots of meat. My three basic needs. Anyone knows of one?

7-I need to be done with this list before Melissa wakes up (if she hasn't already). This one is pretty self-explanatory.

Now, time to pass on the award! The first time I thought I need to choose 7 blogs, but I guess I can choose as many as I want. So here are the ones that first pop into my head:

All of these are not only fun, but they are written by fantastic women. I wish I could have them all for coffee and chocolate cupcakes one day! I probably won't have time to notify you all right now, but will asap (unless you find that out here already :).

Now off to check on Melissa...

Groupie Day: Kandee Johnson!! (and Molly :)

2011-03-19T21:27:00.000-07:00

<- It's in black & white because, for some reason, I had this ray of light over me, just so my face would look huge. She, of course, looks like a rockstar.

Guess what I did today - I met internet legend Kandee Johnson!!!!

It's still hard to believe. I went all the way to San Francisco, about 45 min. from where I live - a long drive which hubby loved to make (not), to this Levi's event "Calling All Curves". I'm not gonna talk much about it 'cause they're not paying me for the free publicity :), but I did have a lot of fun!

I mean, getting to SF and leaving it in a rainy day, with a frustrated husband (he hates to drive there) AND a moody 1-year-old was NOT fun, no. I have no idea why I thought this would be a "quick adventure". Ha. It was an adventure alright. But not quick at all, and not very enjoyable. But I'm talking about the journey, not the metting Kandee itself. That was awesome. I felt like a 16-year-old in a Justin Bieber concert :). "Can I take a picture with you pleeeeease? Yaay I'm SO excited!!" <- me in a 16-year-old voice.

Do you know what saved the day from the exhausting ride home? A sweet little girl named Molly. And her parents - two of our best friends in the whole world. Mike & Jen have been an entity that we've looked up to long before David and I were even married. Today, over 4 years later (since I met them), it's so cool so see how far we've all come. I can't wait for our girls to grow together!

Nice catch-up time! Melissa's about to violently caress Molly.

Melissa LOVED Luke, and cracked up when he grunted at her (!).
Thank You Lord, for moments like these that remind us what it's all about.

Wounds That Heal

2011-03-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

I've debated if this post would sound too preachy, but these thouths are "oozing" out of me. Seriously. I honestly opened the post editor to write about an award I got from a fun reader (SO flattered!!!! Thanks Ms. Blasé!), and be very silly with my response. But instead, my mind was filled with this song:

This song played on the radio on a moment that I was battling with anxiety. You know, when there's nothing necessarily bad going on, but there are so many uncertainties that it gets you upset? That can bring out a whole set of insecurities, and memories of when things didn't work out in the past. But listening to this song was like receiving a wonderful slap in the face :).

Have you clicked on the link? I recommend you do, it will blow your socks off. If you're just not up for it, or can't right now, here are the lyrics (imagine wonderful guitars and voices surrounding it):

He was pierced for our transgressions
He was crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him
And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed

We are healed by Your sacrifice
And the life that You gave
We are healed for You paid the price
By Your grace we are saved, we are saved

What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

For anyone out there who's not a Christian and thinks this seems like a very boring religious song, trust me, it's beautiful (and very contemporary, FYI). It woke me up to something I'd heard a million times before, but often forgot. The reason why Jesus went through all the trouble of dying on the cross is so that I would be healed. I used to think this verse was talking about physical healing, but seriously, aren't we more in need of emotional healing?? Aren't we a mess sometimes (or most of the time)? Don't we all have horrible memories/guilts/regrets/heartbreaks we wish to forget?

These things can take such a proportion in our minds that we think we can never be healed from them. That it happened (or we made a mistake) and now we gotta live with the aftermath. Not true. I mean, we can't always change our circumstances, but this song gave me a new hope that yes, we can change the way our hearts react about certain things. We can't erase the memory, but Jesus died so we can heal our emotions. So that our future won't have to be determined by whatever happened in the past.

Trust this. Take hold of this. I know I should more often, and it can make a pretty good mess on the way you look at things. But when I did, just for the duration of this song, it literally changed my whole day. I slept better that night, and even ate less chocolate the next day lol. You should try that, it might be the best weight loss method ever! :)

My Baby Can't Read

2011-03-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

<- Momma, that's what you think.

Does anybody out there do (or did) the "Your Baby Can Read" flash cards thing? Apparently, a lot of people have, since the commercial claims they had over a million sold.

I'm not for or against it, I'm just curious about people's experiences. And I think our obssession to have absolutely everything be educational is kinda funny. Like, when I was a kid and my sister was a teenager, she used to tell me about this smart guy from her class, and how his parents made him watch/play with only educational stuff when he was a kid. We were like, "ooh, such horrible parents." Isn't funny how what's not educational that's being taken as weird right now?

What happened to cartoons that were only fun and silly - kinda like chocolate for the soul? I used to LOVE Tiny Toons and Animaniacs, they were HILARIOUS. And I don't think that something that's just funny for funnyness sake is necessarily empty. I was developing my sense of humor, excuse me. And today, this is my favorite writing style (hopefully it works :).

But, as I said, this is NOT a post against Your Baby Can Read or any educational mechanisms. Maybe these are the kids who'll discover the cure for cancer, who knows. All I know is that we're on a budget, and my baby is already too smart for me.

Too Much Mom Tuesday: Death by Cap Highlights

2011-03-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

*Too Much Mom Tuesday : The post where I try not to mention the word "mom" (except for now :)*

<- It HURTS to be blonde.

This past Saturday I took advantage of hubby's need of a haircut to suggest I get one too AND also highlights, but of course. It was WAY overdue after the one I did before Melissa's birthday (almost 5 months ago!). But little did I know how much pain and suffering awaited me...

I got there thinking that, since I wanted even more highlights this time, I could skip that horrible plastic cap and go for the foil. But they insisted that with the cap it would look so much better, more even, more natural, etc. So, what did I know, I just went with it.

The only little problem is that I hadn't washed my hair in about three days (don't judge), which meant the products I use were making their little home there, holding on to the knots and not letting go. So, in desperation, the sweet lady asked me to help her detangle my hair. There's something degrading about having not one, but two hair stylists battling your mane while you're still working on the front part. Meanwhile, picture all my curls disappearing and expanding into an enourmous frizz ball.

After the psychological pain, in came the physical one: they brought that horrific plastic cap, and started pulling little hair strands through the wholes on it. I'd done this the first time, except it was only one stylist, and let me tell you - two women pulling your hair out, while you have tight plastic surrounding your face is downright claustrophobic. Towards the end, I felt lightheaded, as though the lack of air circulation through my ears and head pores was messing with my breathing. Add excruciating pain on both sides of my scalp and you get sheer torture.

I cannot even tell you how happy I was when it was over. Afterwards, I read online that "a good salon would never use plastic caps on long hair", and wanted to kick myself for going to SuperCuts. But then again, I don't know if I could afford to do this somewhere fancier on a regular basis. And I did like the results; I think it makes me look more daring. I guess I must be, having gone through labor and cap highlights.

Coming Soon: "Too Much Mom Tuesday"!

2011-03-09T14:51:00.000-08:00

Awhile ago, I stumbled upon this on youtube:

I had to laugh because I've been totally guilty of being part of the "too much mom" group; the circle of women who cannot talk about anything else other than their child. I wonder if anyone talked to me and left thinking, "gee, that girl is 'too much mom.' "

So inspired by that, I decided to create the "Too Much Mom Tuesday", which will be the day that I'll blog about something completely non-motherhood related. Such as... Wow, I'm gonna have to think about that one. Suggestions are welcome!

I Miss My Baby

2011-03-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

<- I also miss breastfeeding's de-puffing effects.

I never thought I'd say this. But I do. I'm SO excited Melissa's a little girl now, but sometimes I still miss her babyhood.

I miss it when I could hold her with one arm and blog with the other.

I miss it when those "mind numbing" routines, as I called it (feed the baby, change the baby, feed the baby, change the baby...) were ALL that I had to worry about for the day. And not Melissa's growing sense of self and will. And ability to harm herself.

I miss it when her poop didn't smell so much.

I miss it when there were no meals to prepare - just my boob. And yes, that was HARD in the beginning, but once we both got the hang of it, it was a breeze.

I miss it when she didn't feel a compulsion to swallow shiny objects.

A time when if we'd go to a store/restaurant, she'd stay happily strapped into her carseat. Sigh.

But given the chance, of course I wouldn't go back. I'm well aware there's something called a "selective memory", which I think is the only reason people keep having children.

I do NOT miss the middle of the night feedings.

I don't miss the look of "I don't know what I'm doing, please save me now" I had in every picture. Even if people couldn't see it, I can see it in my eyes. There's fear all over.

I do NOT miss not being able to talk to her. Ask questions and hear her say "yes" (sometimes even "yes, please"!) and "no". True, she doesn't always get the meaning of those right, but most of the time she means it.

Isn't it funny how I'm remembering those first few months as the "easy time"?? When we know there's nothing easy about it AT ALL. People get post-partum depression on it (I don't think I got it full blown, but definitely on and off). You're still mentally/physically traumatized by labor, and yet there's a little person demanding all of you.

Back then, when I'd see someone with a toddler, I'd think they had it SO much easier. But I do remember them stopping me to say how easy I had. Sigh. I guess it never gets really easy at all.

The Baby & The Chores

2011-03-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

Oh, the dilemma every mom (especially stay-at-home ones) face: must I attend to the baby or to the chores? Clean the poop or the toilet? Oh, so many hard choices!!

Of course the poop always wins priority - after all, our baby/kid is a live breathing thing, and we do love them more than our house (and definitely more than the toilet). But what must a mom do when said house reaches a desperation point of we'll-all-have-to-leave-if-the-mess-doesn't-go-away? Well, there are a few options:

Sit and Cry

And eat something fattening. Then cry some more because you're fat. Check.

Freak Out

Run around like a human broom/washer, cleaning and fixing everything in sight. Some women can really live entire lives doing that, and they're really happy. I wish I could. Be happy doing that, I mean, not do that per se. Check (never lasted long, though).

Read Good Housekeeping Magazine

Must convince brain that "cleaning is good". "Cleaning makes you attractive and brings flawless family moments." Check (yeah, right).

Face Reality

This is the option that I'm in - which seems to be the only one left. Facing the reality that the kid is not going away, so might as well find a way to do things with her. And stop telling myself that I'll just get to it when she sleeps. Who am I kidding - that's when the computer needs me.

Why DIY?

2011-02-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

This is NOT, by any means, a post against DIY (do-it-yourselves). There are many reasons why somebody chooses to make something you could buy at the store, such as:

Craftyness - Some people really have a kick out of putting something together with their own hands, but I do not consider myself one of those. Unless, of course, it involves chocolate.

Non-Preservativeness - Some not only think it's safer to use everything as natural as possible, they also (to my confusion) truly enjoy things better like this. God bless you. I'm sure you're a million times healthier than I am, and probably prettier too. But I've become dependent of the store smell my cosmetic bottles come with.

Savings - Now, this is a reason that made me research this subject a bit longer. All to come to the same conclusion I've always known:

I cannot DIM (do-it-myself).

True, I haven't really tried all the things that you can DIY - the only thing I remember doing is some honey & sugar scrub, which left my bathroom smelling STRONGLY like honey for several days. (You'd think honey would be a nice smell, wouldn't you? I thought so too, but it was like somebody had literally plastered thick honey on the walls. Nauseating.)

Now back to the savings topic, I've been trying to think of what I spend with the most, and the answer would be hair product. As you might guess from my pictures, I have A LOT of hair, and could go through a bottle in a week. It's thick, thirsty and requires more stuff on it to tame the frizz a couple times a day. Now, for those of you saying, "why don't you just wear it straight?" - I tried DIM that too (giving myself a blowout), but the enourmity of my hair left me half and hour later sweating and frustrated that I wasn't even close to being done. I know it's possible because I've done it in a salon, but it takes about 40 minutes and someone really, really talented with a round brush.

I SO wish I was the kind of person who could use a 2 in 1 shampoo & conditioner. That is my dream. I told hubby yesterday that I'm a low maintenance girl in a high maintenance body - I do not enjoy my LONG showers, because in them I'm not relaxing, I'm detangling my mane. If only I had stick straight hair, I'd cut it short and call it a day. Hubby, wonderful as he is, says it's in the marriage contract that I should maintain my big curly hair, and if I ever wear it straight and short, we should do counseling with the pastor haha. But sometimes I think I need counseling BECAUSE of my hair.

Anyway, I digress. So I've been researching on the internet about DIY hair products, and so far I'm not impressed. One person said she used a banana mask before a date, and afterwards her hair smelled like baby puke (like, as if a baby had puked gerber baby food all over her head). You can read her story and her experiences (successful and not) with DIY at her post 10 DIY Natural Hair Products: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly. Todra, I admire you. You must be one of the pretty, crafty ladies I mentioned. Part of me wishes to be just like you, but most of me is too afraid of the bad and the ugly to get to it.

How Moms Have Fun

2011-02-22T13:55:00.000-08:00

When I say "moms", I mean "me", so please don't sue me if you don't like any of these things...

The Bachelor
To remind us what it was like to dream of a family - it makes us more appreciative. Or, even for the single ones, it reminds us that things could always be worse. Instead of a toddler, we could be chasing a man along with 15 other women.

Facebook
Even though I don't post nearly as much as some people, I love it that it's my window to the outside world. It can get addicting, though. When I realize I'm annoyed that my child won't let me type about how cute she is, I close the computer (or attempt to).

Good Smelling Stuff
I've always had a pet peeve for icky smells, and after Melissa, well, let's say that has tripled. I honestly cannot think of any spot of this apartment where she hasn't puked (sorry, TMI). So after a quick trip to the mall, our place now smells like Bath & Body Works. And I love it so much that I'm actually grateful I had the pukey motive to do it.

Blogs (and Blogging)
Is there something better than reading about other moms going through exactly what you have? It gives us (meaning, me) hope that we'll come out of this alive. Or at least make good material for another post.

Baby Fear

2011-02-17T11:50:00.000-08:00

<- This is MUCH harder than it looks.

Anyone else besides me sometimes feel a growing fear of your baby? Though I shouldn't call her "baby" anymore - she's a little girl now, excuse me - but you know, she'll always be a baby to me. And don't get me wrong, we're bonding, having little conversations (sort of), rolling around the floor while I tickle her. So yeah, of couse, it's been fun. But it's also been TERRIFYING at times.

Like when she's crying and crying and I don't know how to make her happy. When she wants a snack minutes after a huge meal, and I give in, knowing I'm completely going against doctors orders, and am probably wrecking her feeding system. When I've spent an entire day cleaning up after her, only to find the house not only is still a mess at the end of it, but now also smells like puke. Times like these make me fear for my motherhood. Make me feel like I'm missing something, and maybe someone cleaner, stronger and more organized should be doing this.

It's been awhile now that I'd been telling myself that the "accomplished mother" feeling will come, just as soon as (fill in the blank). Maybe when she'd start walking, maybe when she'd understand me more, on the rare occasion she'd take a longer nap, etc. But this feeling have NEVER COME. Ever. I'm starting to lose hope that it ever will, and that can be really discouraging.

True, I have glimpses of it - throughout the day, she's always doing something so cute or smiling so big that I think to myself, "there, here's the proof that you're not doing it all wrong." It's wonderful. But it also only lasts until the next meltdown, or until about 3 in the afternoon, when I start looking at the clock, desperate for hubby to get home.

I've thought that maybe if we had a house (with more space for her to explore), or if I was a better housekeeper who made everything look like a pottery barn ad, I wouldn't feel so helpless. But now I'm thinking this might not be true.

So this morning, instead of stressing out about giving her the perfect breakfast experience, I just played it by ear, shared my croissant & cheese with her, gave her some strawberry pieces and some bread. To my astonishment, I realized afterwards that she'd had a protein, two starches and a fruit - exactly what the doctor had recommended. Wow, I don't think I'd ever achieved such success. Maybe the secret is in not trying too hard - or maybe trying as much as you can, but not thinking about it so hard.

Welcome to Toddlerhood

2011-02-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

"Toddlerhood" is like a new country. After going through all the baby stages, and finally feeling like you've got it, life (your baby's, that is) throws you a curveball called toddlerhood. That sweet little infant is now a tiny person, who knows what she wants and wants it now.

So I'm not claiming AT ALL to be an expert on this (since I've just arrived myself), but if you're in the same situation, let's commiserate. I'll tell you the ways I'm trying to cope, and they may be all wrong, but a girl's gotta start somewhere...

Ignore the Tantrum

The tantrum, not the baby. But thou shall not fear the tantrum, give in to the tantrum or try to match the tantrum. I've been trying to just stay calm (or at least look like it in her eyes), hold her (as she kicks and screams), remove her from the situation and do anything else with her calmly (like reading a book). It might not always soothe her, but it does wonders for me.

Make Her/Him Laugh

I've noticed that if I spend more time being silly with her rather than scolding her, she's a lot more likely to want to please me. Now that gets REALLY tricky when the silly thing she wants to do is wrong. Then, that brings us to what I just discovered...

The Power of the Gentle "No"

Whenever I tried to sound extra angry when saying "no" so she'd get my message, Melissa thought it was hilarious. She'd even run to me giggling for a hug, and then go right back to doing what's wrong. But when I just said "no" in a serious but not as entertaining way (and, of course, led her to something else), she was more likely to follow.

Notice that I say "more likely", which usually means on a good day, when the sun is shining, her belly is full and she's well rested. And even then, sometimes (often) the meltdown is coming, and there's nothing you can do about it. Welcome to toddlerhood.

Chocolate Winner!!!

2011-02-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

**Drum roll please!!**

The time has come to announce the winner of the H&S Chocolates Box!!!!

Sorry I didn't say beforehand when that would be... Mostly because I wasn't sure myself haha. I wondered if I should give it more time for more people to comment or not. Oh well. Here it goes!!

And first of all, I just wanted to say that I did NOT expect for the 4 contestants to be none other than 4 of my favorite women alive! Jen, beautiful mom-to-be and my "free therapist", who's listened to endless venting sessions over pie; Kim, a friend that feels like family, and REALLY had just the right things to say when I flirted with postpartum depression; Betsy, who's everything I want to be when I grow up (even though we're the same age), both as a writer and as a person; and Mommyfriend, who's one of the most hilarious & talented bloggers/vloggers out there (seriously, you should be famous). How do I give chocolate to only ONE of you???

When I said on the giveaway post that the winner would be chosen randomly, I actually assumed that only random people would comment. I didn't expect to like the commenters so much!

But, in this recession time, one has to make choices :). And, as promised, my choice had to be random. The only solution to this was writing the names on pieces of paper and picking one without looking (I tried having Melissa pick but she got mad - I think she thought I wanted her to eat them haha). So anyway, with that being said, the winner is.......

***Kimberly Farmer***

She's SUCH an amazing person, you guys. First of all, she puts all of us mommies to shame with her crafty abilities (check 'em out in Mommyhood Craft Corner) - and by the way, she has an adorable etsy shop, Fiddledee. And as if that wasn't enough, you can catch a glimpse of what a wise woman she is on her personal blog, Kimberly's Expressions. It's funny that I haven't seen her in about 6 years, but she's one of those people you never forget.

Anyway, Kim, I'll notify you soon, but you just might know about this here first! :) Some chocolate is on your way! And the other girls, please accept the chocolates of my affection hehehe. LOVE you all!!

Suffering in Paradise

2011-01-31T18:13:00.000-08:00

Who would've guessed this sweet little face would be so much work??

Sorry, I haven't been the faithful blogger I once was. The sole reason is that I've been suffering in paradise - meaning, the wonders of motherhood are kicking my butt. Yes, I am delirously happy, but also deliriously tired. Not just, "didn't sleep well last night, but would catch up sleeping tomorrow" tired, but "will need a week in a relaxation clinic" TIRED.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon Melissa's a walking and talking toddler. This is a dream come true. The whole time she was a baby, I waited for this moment - not because I thought it'd get easier, but I couldn't wait to have little dialogues with her. And now, even though she doesn't say sentences yet (and is just starting to learn a few words), she understands us SO much more. It's the cutest thing. It's so cute it breaks your heart, in the most wonderful way. Unfortunately, it also breaks YOU.

Gone are the days that I could count on her staying in one place. When it happens, I even feel lucky that I got to sit down for a full minute. How sad is that?? I'm still a writerholic (yup, I have other writing projects besides this blog), so picture me carrying my laptop around the house, until I give up half an hour later with a sore wrist. Besides, I don't want my daughter to just see me behind a computer.

Do you see my point? I feel my me-time diminishing, my back hurting from looking/bending down (as I follow her) and my thighs thickening for all the chocolate I medicate myself with when she finally takes a nap.

Would you believe me if I said I'm the happiest I've ever been? It doesn't sound like it, but I am. It's just a HARD, HARD happiness. Like, for unlimited admission into Disneyland, you have to circle it twice by foot. So, yay, but, oy.

Thanks, Colleen Leung, for the awesome pictures!

Latest family portrait... The most overweight/exhausted I've ever seen myself, but strangely, the happiest too.

*Now, enter my chocolate giveaway below!*

Who Wants Some Chocolate?

2011-01-31T17:08:00.000-08:00

Yup, I'm offering! If you leave a comment, you just might get a box of these on your doorstep:

Now, ps: I can't believe this is my very first giveaway!! I don't know if I should feel like a sell out or like I'm the last blogger who hasn't done this before, but here it goes. Seriously, if somebody offered you a free box of chocolates, would you say no?? :) And that's what I'm offering you! So if you're interested, let me know below! *winner will be chosen randomly*

The Melissa Report

2011-01-26T15:32:00.001-08:00

<- My poor attempt to cut bangs... Glad she's too young to notice.

Sorry, I've been a bad, bad blogger - but Melissa rarely lets me sit down these days.

This post is kinda (a lot) random, but I just wanted to publish a report of where she's at lately. Yes, it is bragging, but it's also a way to organize information for people who keep asking me how she's growing (family, of course - I don't think friends have that much patience to hear).

So here it goes, what Melissa's accomplished so far in her almost 15 months of life:

Words: mama, dada, nana (for "banana"), yes, yeah, no, hi, bye, ball, duck (these last four are hit or miss)

Abilities: fast walker, starter climber, master living room, kitchen & everywhere else destroyer

Favorite cartoon (yes, I let her watch 'em, don't shoot me): Veggi Tales, or anything with music (she's going to be a singer, mark my words)

Other stuff: drinks water from a cup, sings herself to sleep (baaaabaaabaaa, zzz...), has a serious addiction to cheerios (hence the present state of our carpet), wants food all the time (not necessarily to eat), wants to explore our place all the time, talks in baby language with entonations and punctuations, and demands hugs and kisses often.

This is my kid, in a nutshell. How's yours?

An Ode to 3 Hour Naps

2011-01-20T13:42:00.000-08:00

<- "Why sleep? I want to drive!"

(Are odes supposed to rhyme? Oh well, mine doesn't. I'm too tired. :)

Oh 3 hour naps, oh 3 hour naps,

Where have you been all my child's life?

You make me feel like I have the best of both worlds;

Both motherhood and sanity.

I feel like dancing around the house (I mean, tiny apartment),

Watching videos on youtube and eating more chocolate.

It might be a good thing you don't come everyday, or else I'd become a whale.

You have strangely come twice this week, and my scale has definitely noticed it.

I don't care. I love you. I want you to stay forever.

You make me feel things I haven't felt in about two years.

But I do have to confess... Whenever I'm with you, I'm thinking of someone else.

Yes. I miss that little girl. Sometimes when I'm with her I think of you, but when I'm with you, I always think of her.

Oh, 3 hour naps, the only way to settle this love triangle is if you make your appearance more regular (like you did this week).

Then I don't miss you when I'm with her... But I can't say the same the other way around.

Maybe that's why you've ignored me for so long.

Regardless, please hear my plea. I promise to watch more non-baby related videos on youtube when you're around.

Now I have to check on her, but I hope you'll come back tomorrow.

With love and gratitude,

Tired Mommy

Save Me From My Crazy Baby II

2011-01-13T08:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't been updating this blog nearly as much as I used to. I used to itch to post something everyday, and sometimes I'd get 2 ideas a day and have a hard time choosing one.

That was before Melissa started walking. And once upon a time when she actually wanted to take naps. I could rock her to sleep (and I thought that was hard - it's harder when I rock her and she just won't sleep!! :), or she would be content playing in either the living/dining room or the kitchen - and not demand the entire house.

So these are the stages I've gone through with her new independence:

1. Denial

Uh, walking, my baby?? No, no, no, she's just dancing and moving around. But she won't go far. I mean, how far can she go, right?

2. Panic

Where's the baby?? Oh my goodness, how did you get here?? Now, give me this. No. NO. You used to hear me the first time. Now you think it's funny. No, don't eat that. Got it, all gone. Oh great, now you're sobbing. Weren't you just laughing at me?

3.Chaos

Hi honey, how was your day at work? Careful with that area of the carpet, Melissa just puked there. And you better not hug me either, let me change first. If you take away some toys/cheerios/paper towel shreds/etc, you might find a place to sit. Or maybe we should eat out tonight.

4.Depression and Confusion

I don't understand. I thought I'd learned how to be a mother by now. I had a system. Melissa used to respond to my system. She wouldn't talk back at me through wails. I used to have time to clean her, feed her, clean myself, feed myself and keep our place livable. Or at least better than this. I want to move.

5.The Future

Someone tell me what comes after stage 4, 'cause I'm still wondering. Maybe it's acceptance.

An OLDER Sibling for Melissa

2011-01-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

The other day at the library, Melissa stalked a girl about her age (or maybe a month or two older). Yes, stalked, or maybe harrassed her - the poor girl couldn't do anything; read a book, walk, exist. Melissa was right there, touching her, grabbing her, playing with her hair. The look of horror the girl would shoot at me was priceless :). But it was all out of love; Melissa had a fascination smile on all the time.

Next to the girl there was her 5 year old sister, who loved talking to me looking deep into my eyes, saying things like, "every may 24th [guessing, don't remember] I have a birthday, but on one may 24th I was a baby too." So cute. Both were adorable, but the cutest thing was Melissa's adoration to them. She seemed the most adventurous I'd ever seen her. The 1 year old was way past the learning to walk phase she's now, running and climbing everywhere. Melissa thought it was the coolest thing ever. She knows how to walk, but still kinda prefers to do it holding on to our finger. At that moment, though, she wanted to be exactly like her more developed friends.

I heard that 2nd (or 3rd, or 4ths and so on) kids develop faster than the first born, because they have an example to follow. I have 2 older sisters, and watching Melissa so inspired made me wish she was a younger sibling too. Maybe I should adopt. Or maybe teach her about personal space (eh, no - I'd rather squeeze her all the time instead :).

Dear 2011 Me

2010-12-30T18:16:00.000-08:00

<- 2011 Me, hope you can handle 2011 Melissa!

*This is a letter for myself to be read in exactly a year - cheesy, I know, but hey, so is my blog :)*

Hey girl! Didn't this year just fly by? I'm guessing, judging by the one before. Or maybe it went slower, since now you've gotten this motherhood thing down. Please tell me you do.

I hope you found a way to do laundry that doesn't turn your living room and bedroom into utter chaos. Actually, I hope you live in a bigger place. I hope you own it and it has a nice yard.

Did you lose weight? Sorry, I don't mean to nag, but it has been awhile since you had a baby. Just tell me you haven't gotten bigger, and I promise not to give you a hard time about it. Much.

Are you still making time for writing? For your husband? To bask in Melissa's cuteness? I know, it's a lot to fit into your day, but remember, it's a blessing to have so many things you love. It's hard when more than one (or all of them) demand your attention, but just take a deep breath and do whatever's the most urgent. I know, I'm saying this while I still don't know what I'm doing, and you might be reading this in 2011 saying, "Ha! How clueless was she."

I hope you dress better, eat better, and have better thoughts about yourself. That you don't have a secret nervous breakdown inside when you make a mistake. You've gotten better at this in 2010, but it highly depends on how much sleep you got. Or how much chocolate you've had. I hope by now you can still forgive yourself even without either.

Whatever happens, and whatever you end up doing, I look forward to meeting you there. And that's not because I'm sure you can handle it, but because I know God can.

Christmas Aftermath

2010-12-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

Hope you all had a great one! A few highlights of mine:

This Purse

My first super cute one! I used to buy purses with just a not-ugly criteria, but after spending my days cleaning Melissa's messes/pukes/poops, I thought I deserved a treat.

This Pie

I made it! I made it! I made it! And it was overnight, which sounds so complicated, but it's totally not. Pretty much just fry the bacon, then add it to a mix of eggs/cheeses/milk/hash browns, put it in the refrigerator till the next day (or 2 hours min), then put panko crums over it and bake it. Don't I sound so Betty Crockery?? I'm telling you, it's the magic of Christmas!

Now, a couple low points...

Larger Pants SizeI know, I know, new jeans, yay. But bigger butt :(. I have no idea how this happened (cough-baby-cough-brownies).

Melissa's Pukes

Don't worry, no picture here, ha. But she's been having acid reflux, so that means unexpected episodes whenever something doesn't agree with her tummy (around 6 times on Christmas day).

So this was my holiday in a nutshell, with lots of eating, shopping and a LOT of cleaning. How was yours?

You Know Christmas' Coming When...

2010-12-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

<- Mommy, are we done staring at the computer?

- You've stopped counting the calories since the last holiday party (or way before that - my case);

- Your daughter has bells on her socks;

- Charlie Brown's Christmas soundtrack is glued to your car's CD player;

- Lifetime movies become appealing;

- Starbucks becomes your Meca;

- Ugly sweaters become fun;

- You're poorer than normal, more tired than normal, and even more stressed than normal, but somehow happier than normal. It's the magic of Christmas!

Cheeeeeeez!!

2010-12-11T15:41:00.000-08:00

After many many many trials to make Melissa smile, while balancing the camera on the tv, FINALLY we have a Christmas card picture :).

I'll Be Late For Christmaaas....

2010-12-09T18:31:00.000-08:00

...you can count on thiis... (from "I'll Be Home For Christmas", if you can't tell.)

That's how I feel about this Christmas. Like "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date" (from Alice in Wonderland - aren't I full of quotes today :). We got our tree only a couple of days ago, and even though it's just after Thanksgiving, I still felt like everyone else had a tree, but us.

Another "lateness": pictures!! We haven't taken Melissa's 1 year old professional portrait like I'd planned (she's already over 13 months), and we haven't even gotten close to taking our Christmas card picture. Christmas cards, by the way? I'm pretty sure we should have had those done and sent a long time ago. We've already started receiving from friends, and I feel SO bad (but not bad for receiving them, so friends, please keep sending! :). I'm SO behind!!

Oh, one more "lateness": Melissa's birthday thank you notes. Ha. I think I was supposed to send those like the week after. Right now, I've pretty much blocked it out of my mind, 'cause I have a million other things to worry about that I haven't even mentioned here. So if you came to the party, you might have to be content with the gift of our friendship.

Speaking of gifts, at least all Christmas' ones are pretty much bought. The tree looks nice, a nativity set is on our dining table and there's even a snow globe on top of the tv. I guess I should rejoice. Hopefully this weekend we'll catch up too - we plan on taking a family picture in front of the tree and finally printing out those cards. That just might come with a thank you note attached to it :).

Holiday Laziness

2010-11-30T14:06:00.000-08:00

<- Melissa unusually social with great grandparents.

Sorry I haven't updated this blog as much as I used to, but I think everybody's allowed to be lazy before/during/after Thanksgiving, aren't we??

Anyway, hope everyone had a good time, and didn't stress out too much making turkeys. We headed to hubby's grandparents' house (about 3 hours away), and it was a blast. Melissa was surprisingly comfortable in the new surroundings (another sign we need to buy a house), and even bonded with great grandpa and grandma! That's amazing, because she RARELY bonds with anyone besides mommy and daddy (she's very particular about the people & stuff around her).

Another AWESOME thing that happened is that David and I had a date and we got to see Tangled!!!! Little Mermaid, step aside - I have found a new Disney favorite! Of course, there were a few iffy things (like Rapunzel hangs out with some drunky viking types who help her in their drunkness, and the point of the story is how she should rebel - interesting for 18 year olds, but not for 10 year olds!), but the things that I did like, I absolutly LOVED. The comedy was top notch, better than a lot (maybe most) of the comedies out there. LOTS of laugh out loud moments. Besides, I love Mandy Moore's voice, so loved the music too.

The guy's voice was Zachary Levi, the actor from Chuck who made his music debut with Katharine McPhee here:

If you don't like this, you have never loved :).

New Moms, Beware

2010-11-20T19:58:00.000-08:00

<- Get this with The New Mom's Stress Survival Kit - highly recommend!!

Now that I've, ahem, graduated from the status of new mother to the glamourous (not :) position of a toddler's mom, I've got a few pointers for you, oh inexperienced fresh-out-of-the-hospital mommies. Preggos can benefit from these too, though you might want to enjoy blissful ignorance while you can.

So, a few things I'd avoid if I were you...

Scary Advisors

These are people that will tell you the baby will die if he/she eats something non-organic, become autistic if you turn on the tv, and have psychological issues if you go out on a date. Now, of course I'm exagerating here, so I'm not saying don't be careful, but I'm just saying, don't be scared all the time. Then you won't have time to enjoy the baby.

Super Mom Syndrome

You cannot, physically, be with your baby at all times while keeping a spotless house and looking like the cover of Parents magazine. I'm sorry. Please lower your expectations of yourself and what you think you're supposed to look like or achieve in a 24-hour period. This does not make you a failure; it makes you a more mature person who'd just discovered the value of rest. You will find your new, baby-friendly process of doing things, I promise.

Baby Isolation

I know, you love your baby; he/she's the best friend you ever had. Totally accepting when you emerge in the morning with your hair up and 2 days ago's makeup, dependent on you like no one else. It's good to feel needed, and heck, it's just addicting to hug our babies. But please remember, there are other people who love you. People who would love to get a call or email from you, just to remind them that you still care, and don't just have space for your baby in your heart. Which brings us to...

Marriage Amnesia

Remember, your husband? True, he looks even better as the father of your child, but he is, still, your husband. You're still supposed to go on dates with him, and enjoy his existence. I know, the baby takes out your heart, your soul and your body, but you'll just have to discover a way to love your husband in your new role. You're both different now; it doesn't have to be the same as pre-baby days. But he can be your shoulder to lean on, and someone to remind you that you're still pretty awesome by yourself, without a baby attached.

Dear Anti-Baby People

2010-11-15T09:36:00.000-08:00

I understand I bore you with my non-stop baby talking. I understand my baby's poop or puke don't sound interesting, and truthfully, it doesn't sound interesting to me either. But I'm living it, and I have to talk about what I live.

I'd LOVE to have a super interesting, traveled and glamorous life that could wow everybody with my interesting subjects. Or, thinking again, maybe not. I DO enjoy my life. Imagine that. I stay at home ALL day taking care of a baby, and sometimes don't get out for a couple of days, but I can say I'm happy. I still have dreams of doing other stuff, but I am happy where I'm at.

Now, I'm glad you're happy where you're at (or I hope you are). You've chosen not to have kids right now, or you don't for whatever reason, but you're investing in yourself, and that's really what you should be doing. You have a freedom that I've forgotten how it felt like, and sometimes I even kinda live vicariously through you. So because of this I ask you:

Can you be happy that I'm happy?? While you're understandably bored by my baby talking, can you just be okay with the fact that I enjoy it? I'm okay with you venting about your latest adventure, when I can barely get out of the house, so can you just be happy for me, without asking me to tone it down?

Why I'm a Baking Convert

2010-11-09T14:08:00.000-08:00

Notice that I say baking, not cooking - I still don't like cooking much, but just discovered I love baking. Ever since the cupcakes experiment for Melissa's party, I've been looking for more stuff to bake. So here are the benefits I'd found so far:

Perfect Airfreshner

No candle in the world will smell as good as something actually baking. Ok, it does depends on what you're baking, but you can't go wrong with anything chocolate.

Most Rewarding Exercise

Amazingly enough, I think I actually lost a couple of ounces ever since I started this. Turns out there's a lot of standing involved (and running around the grocery store).

This Apron

This would make my pajama-y stay at home outfits SO much more attractive.

Good Housekeeping Validation

Remember when I wanted to sue Good Housekeeping Magazine? I still kinda do, but baking makes me want to do it less. Suddenly the recipe pages don't look so daunting anymore. It's also nice to be able to answer to all the people that wonder what I do of productive besides just chasing/feeding/cleaning/entertaining/comforting a 1 year old - I BAKE!!! :D

Goodbye, Breastfeeding

2010-11-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

<- First week: I'll get the hang of this, baby, I promise.

It was good while it lasted. Really, it was. Never mind my look of torture the first few months, or the first days of teething. Never mind my nervous breakdowns when I just wanted to go to bed, but had to pump first. And never mind my almost daily baths of squirted milk. It was all worth it, for a myriad of reasons.

The first one being the health of my baby, of course. The second, right after that, was the closeness to her. After the initial pain is done, all you feel is love and wonderful oxytocin hormones. Perfect to calm my new-mom stress. And the third (or maybe the 2.5 place) was the convenience. Once I got it down, it was way easier than preparing a bottle.

I breastfed my baby for a year. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I just typed that. I thought I wouldn't last a week. A day. This thing was SO incredibly hard, and I was so incredibly sore and stressed out after giving birth that I didn't think it was possible. I remember my doctor suggesting I do it for 6 months, or maybe a year, and I thought, yeah right. My butt still hurts from pushing this baby out, you want my niples to hurt too??

But yet, here we are. Thank you, super powerful pump that I rented from the hospital and used almost exclusively for the first month. Thank you, persistent hubby who kept putting the baby on my boob, even though I'd tell you to just let me sleep. Thank you, massive breastfeeding promotion out there, 'cause even though you've alienated some distressed mothers that could be better off not breastfeeding for whatever reason, for me you caused joy. Pain and suffering at first, of course, but pure joy afterwards. The joy of bonding and knowing I can feed my child just by being me. And now, the joy to say I'm done.

Party & Food Facts

2010-11-02T10:55:00.000-07:00

<- I SO deserved that cupcake :).

Warning: this post will be random.

Especially for non-bloggers, who might not be used to the randomness of bloggin' world, and might expect something deep or amazing out of every post. Sorry to disappoint you.

But anyway, since I was too exhausted out of consciousness to really describe Melissa's party on my latest post, I decided to do it now:

- Melissa screamed in terror when she saw everyone (our tiny apartment was pretty full). She'd only calm down when we'd give her pizza.

- She did NOT like my chocolate cupcake!!!! My heart is broken forever. How can MY child not like chocolate? I had so much of it during pregnancy that I thought I'd give birth to a chocolate. Maybe I overdosed her already.

- I was kind of afraid to have so many toddlers (4) plus 2 babies plus Melissa at home, but I ended up loving it! So much cuteness around. And they were the ones that liked my cupcakes the most (minus Melissa).

- When the party began, I'd already been standing for hours cleaning the house/cleaning Melissa/putting Melissa down for a nap/baking cupcakes/icing cupcakes/decorating the house/etc. So by the time the first person came in, I was ready to go take a nap. Good thing my glorious cupcakes sustained me with sugar.

- It's been 3 days, but still haven't taken the balloons down or taken out the pink table cloth - then I think the magic will be over. And I don't want it to be over; it still motivates me to keep the house clean.

Now, more unrelated randomness:

I've been tagged!! Thanks, Amber (A Day in The Life of Amber). For those of you non-bloggers, it's when another blogger (which was previously tagged herself) sends you a bunch of questions, and then you're supposed to send those to whoever you want. Must sound silly to unblogging people, but to us it's awesome! :)

Anyway, here they go:

1. What is your favorite dessert?

Pretty much anything chocolate. The kind varies - now that it's cooler I'm craving baked stuff, warmed up in the microwave/oven for perfection.

2. Ever tried to cook something and failed miserably?

I'm not very daring in the kitchen (um, as if I was anywhere else), so I can't remember a tragic moment...

3. Is there a dish you haven't made yet but really want to?

I'd like to do a turkey one day. Maybe this Thanksgiving?? Not sure, it's too important of an occasion - like, if you ruin the turkey, you ruin Thanksgiving :). So I might just take the easy grocery store way.

4. What is your favorite food?

Brazilian is AMAZING - have you ever heard of churrascarias? If there's one where you live, GO - your life will never be the same. Unless you're a vegetarian.

5. What is your least favorite food?

Anything spicy. And I have a very, very LOW tolerance for spices. As in, pepperoni pizza is my limit.

6. Do you have any seasonal meals you like?

I'd been dreaming of last Thanksgiving's leftovers until very recently - had to remind myself this one's coming soon! :)

7. What's your comfort food?

Something warm and chocolaty.

8. Chocolate: milk, dark or white?

On a chocolate bar, milk all the way - dark is too rich, and white is, well, not chocolate. BUT those two can also work really well on other stuff, like rich fudge brownies (the milk ones just don't cut it), and white chocolate mocha (aaaaaaah).

Okay, so now that you know the depths of my food preferences (didn't that change your life?), it's time for me to tag people. So I taaaaaaag (drum rooll)....

- The Empress at Good Day Regular People

- Lori at Mommyfriend

- Mandi at Mandi Miller Blog

- Meg at O. is Me

- Adriel at The Mommyhood Memos

- Olivia at Two Tiny Tornadoes

- Julia at 2 Pouty Princesses

- Kim at Kimberly's Expressions & Mommyhood Craft Corner

Boy, it will take awhile for me to let all these people know... But the person who tagged me tagged 8, so I guessed that was the right number. Oh well... If you had a blog, you'd understand :).

I Have Survived My Kid's 1st Birthday

2010-10-30T21:04:00.001-07:00

...and here are the pictures that prove it:

My leg are shaky, and my hands are sore from icing those cupcakes, but I have, indeed, survived. Now I'm going though post party depression - you know, when you think of all the things you could've done, but didn't. Like sitting down to actually enjoy the party. It was a lot of fun to share this milestone with friends that have become like family, but I just wish I wasn't too exhausted to have a productive conversation with them. It was like a wedding; an amazingly meaningful moment, that went by in a blur.

I just published this post with several post party depression thoughts, but now that I've rested a tiny bit, I think I have a different outlook. Truth is, party went GREAT. The cupcakes turned out delicious, and I felt very Betty Crocker-y making them. I know I could've bought some, but I wanted that feeling. This was my way of celebrating my baby's birthday. True, it left me broken at the end of the day (now), but the reason I wouldn't give up on it was because I loved doing it. I wanted to have this experience to the fullest, and I did. Hence my utter exhaustion.

Whenever something means so much to me, I always have post whatever depression. I always feel like I didn't do it completely right. There's always something I could've done different, or more, or less. Does any mom out there feels that way? Whenever people post about their babies' first birthday, it always sounds like everything went perfectly, and the mom feels perfect afterwards. So if there are any imperfect moms out there, please manifest yourself so I don't think I'm crazy.

ps: Amber, thanks for tagging me, yay - will do it on next post!

Meanwhile, in Melissa's World... Part 2

2010-10-27T18:44:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm going to be 1, some things have got to change.

First of all, what's up with you wanting me to sleep all the time?? Yes, twice a day plus the entire night is ALL THE TIME. I don't have time for this. I have to learn how to walk. I do get tired from it though, but then you're supposed to rock me. That's it. Don't expect anything else to happen.

Then, you gotta get more creative on your games. Peekaboo? So last month. I still kinda like it, but you know me, you gotta shake it up a little every once in awhile. I get bored easily. Like your cellphone - it used to be so exciting closed, and now it HAS to be open AND on the pages that I want. Or else I'll SCREEEAAAAAM!!!! Until you give me cheerios.

Another thing that's gotta change is your obssession with my diaper. It's just fine, mom. A little poop is not gonna kill me. At least it's better than you laying me on my back (oh, the horror), and wiping my intimate areas (double horror). I'm a little girl, mom. Not a baby anymore. Gotta give me some respect. Or at least make it interesting - sing, dance, and make it good. Then I just might crack a smile.

It might seem like I'm cranky (why do you always think I'm cranky?), but I'm actually delighted I'm turning 1. Exploration has never been so easy for me. And talking seems so close I can taste it. I know a lot of words already that I just haven't learned to say yet, but I'm hoping my facial expressions will give you a hint.

One last thing... Give up on that plan to wean me off on my birthday. That's some birthday gift.

The Cool Mom Project

2010-10-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

<-Enjoying some cool weather (pre-highlights :)

I want to be a cool mom. I don't mean a "hip" mom (though that wouldn't be bad either), but a cool headed mom. A mom that, even when the world is falling apart, is a safe rock.

I want my kid to see me as a place where she can cry, and I'll comfort her, not freak out. Someone that can give her advice without adding worries, but taking them away. I want her to feel like I'll calm her enough so she can make the right decisions, and not add more pressure. Of course I'll want to push her in the right direction, but I don't want her to feel like I'm a walking lecture. In other words, I want to be a place where she can cool off.

A book called The Parent You Want to Be by Les and Leslie Parrott says that "who you are matters more than what you do". They mean that though the things you do as a parent are very important, even more crucial than that is the way your child perceives you. Do they see you as a happy/sad parent? Stressed out? Workaholic? Yeller? Or maybe passive?

Watching Melissa imitate nearly EVERYTHING I do (within her baby capabilities) has opened my eyes to this. I notice a change in her when I'm stressed out. I also noticed it when I'm more laid-back. She watches me, and learns from me about how to live life. And I don't know about you, but I want my daughter to be cool.

How to Unfrump Yourself

2010-10-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

Not that I've succeeded yet (at least as much as needed). I'm just coming up with ideas, so if you have any, you're welcome to add more!

1- Highlight Yourself
Check - just did them Sunday:

What I mean is, pump your style up a bit. I'm usually more in favor of natural-looking color than crazy special effects, and loved it when people thought my redish brown was natural (nope, it's a bit darker). But the reason why I did this was because I couldn't stand looking at the mirror and just seeing a mom anymore. I needed something that said, "hey, I spent some time on myself, so I must exist besides the baby." If you don't want to change your hair, a new lipstick might rock your world just as much.

2- Trust Yourself
All throughout the day I'd been thinking things like, "This house is a mess - I don't know how to clean a house"; "Melissa is cranky - I don't know how to make her happy"; "I feel overwhelmed - I'm the worst time manager ever." Without realizing, I was paralyzing myself with the fear of failure, or believing I'd already failed. So lately I've been trying to be like, "This corner is messy - then I shall clean it up"; "Melissa is cranky - there must be a reason, or else it's naptime (yay)"; "I feel overwhelmed - I shall eat some chocolate".

3- Amuse Yourself
The other day, Melissa puked 3 times before noon. Of course it drove me crazy, but after I thought of telling this to David when he'd get home, I laughed. I mean, she already needed a bath before her morning naptime, which made her sleep for about 3 hours, by the way. If every puke means an hour of sleep, I say, bring 'em on :).

The Final Countdown (to Melissa's Birthday)

2010-10-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

Melissa's birthday is exactly 2 weeks away!!!! Woooohooooooooo (doing a little dance since she's napping as well) :D

I never imagined myself with a 1 year old. I mean, of course I dreamed about it, but only the last couple of days it actually feels real to me. One of the reasons is this:

She's got earrings!!!! Her first bling!! I'm so friggin' proud that I don't even know what to do with myself. It's not just about the earrings, you guys. It's a milestone that we talked about doing around her first birthday, and now I can't believe it's here. She looks so grown up with those sparkly little things. Don't tell me she looks the same - that would make you a heartless person (and probably not a parent :).

Uh oh, I think someone's waking up now... Gotta go attend to princess Melissa - who's getting her way more than ever now with her growing good looks.

Why Motherhood is Not For Sissies

2010-10-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

<- WARNING: Don't watch this movie before you have a baby - it might be scary (though if you're like me, you won't resist). But if you watch it afterwards, you'll nod your head in delight that you're a survivor.

Heavy Lifting

I can't believe I used to think Melissa was heavy when she was born, at 7lbs. Now, when I hold newborns, it feels like paper. At least what doesn't break you makes you stronger - though it does break your back, but you'll definitely get strong enough to hold a 19 lbs person while putting on make-up/sweeping the floor/preparing her bath.

Heavy Puking

Okay, do I need to elaborate? This is the part of every parenting book that I used to skip, thinking, "maybe I'll be the luckiest mom in the world, and it won't happen to me"... Well, that would make me the first mom in the world that wouldn't experience this on a regular basis. But eventually you learn how to avoid it (most of the time), or at least direct it to any other direction that's not you, the baby, or the carpet (which might mean some inocent toy hanging around).

Heavy. Period.

Haha not "heavy period" (that's a whole different topic :). But the scale and I have not been good friends ever since I became an anxious pregnant lady that could only be calmed by loads of chocolate. My calming drug of choice now? Brownies (hence the several mentions on previous posts). So I know I'm to blame for my heaviness, but ultimately it all comes down to motherhood. Before the pregnancy, I was addicted to a protein bar, believe it or not. Motherly anxiety triggered me go back to my evil ways.

So there you have it. If you are pregnant, prepare to enter a jungle, that will make you happier than you've ever been (don't judge by the first crazy days, I'll ask you later :), but a jungle nevertheless. Sorry, having a hard week (in case you haven't noticed).

I Want to Be a Real Housewife of Somewhere

2010-10-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

<- NY are my favorites - they make me laugh more and show less boobs :)

No, I don't want cameras following me or any drama - but I am admiting to be jealous of how easy their lives seem to be. Of course I'm under "the other grass is always greener" effect - I know they have MAJOR issues, despite how rich they are. But I want their carefreeness. I want the spark that their lives seem to have, minus the crazy.

I wonder if spark and crazy go hand in hand, though? I know I'm generalizing, but I think people that get everything VERY easy tend to be more oblivious about their own faults. Like, it's hard to see you're shallow if you can have whatever you want. It's also hard to see you don't care about people if everyone caters to you.

Of course this is also jealous me speaking; I only wish I even had enough money to have half of their issues. Ok, let me rephrase that - I don't want any of their issues. Some of them are too messed up even for me to watch. And I'd hate to live in that bubble where everyone has to look and act fabulous all the time. I love it that my friends love me even with no make up, a spit up on my shirt and too much exhaustion to have an intelligent conversation. But I guess I just want those crazy rich ladies' confidence; the way they truly do believe they've got it together. I could use some of that, but it's kinda hard without a personal stylist on call.

5 Awesome Autumn Things

2010-10-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

<- We love Autumn :)

1- Melissa's Birthday
I absolutly love, love, LOVE that from now on, getting colder will mean that Melissa's birhtday is coming up. Halloween was never too exciting for me (remember, I'm from Brazil, so it's not big over there), but THIS is a celebration worth dressing up my kid in a funny costume and eating lots of sugar.

2- Ugly Sweaters
Who, like myself, loves an ugly sweater?? They happen to be the most comfortable, and when it's really cold, people won't look at you funny (much :). I've heard of the idea of an "ugly sweater party", and I HAVE to do that one day. Who's in??

3- Orange Stuff
I usually don't like orange, but there's something about Fall that makes it look warm, cozy and magical. Like the world turns into a gigantic fireplace.

4- Trees That Match My Lipstick

Kinda, doesn't it? (L'Oreal Toasted Almond, FYI)

5- Cookie-Smelling Candles
So you don't have to eat the cookie. That way you can eat your brownie guilt-free :).

Stay-At-Home Momisms

2010-09-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

<- If only :)...

- Missing talking to an adult, though not having any adult subject to talk about;

- Watching "Days of Our Lives" (or anything equally cheesy) to get your mid off of diapers;

- Gathering up the strength to clean the house at night, only to see it destroyed again in the morning;

- Making plans for what to do during nap time, but when it comes, being too happy doing nothing to move;

- Laughing at how hard you thought you worked at a regular job (and then crying);

- Counting the hours - no, minutes - to nap time;

- Eating at odd times (whenever the baby naps/is distracted);

- Letting the cartoons take over at the end of the day, when you've reached your limit;

- Putting make up on so you won't scare the baby (or the hubby);

- Having the tv on "for company" (but making sure the baby isn't hypnotised);

- Having to explain to hubby all the home and baby care procedures you've carefully developed;

- Being amazed that hubby doesn't instinctively know all these procedures (even though it took you several days of trial and error to develop them);

- Watching your baby change before your eyes;

- Having the strange, but wonderful sensation that you had long, deep conversations with your baby through babbling;

- Just understanding babbling at the end of the day;

- Becoming too attached to the baby to care :).

I Can Get No Satisfaction

2010-09-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

My latest 2 posts have been about sicknesses and body issues, so pardom me for adding another one...

Our always active and smiley and independent girl has a fever AND is teething. So instead of making me chase her around the house, she now screams if I move an inch away from her. LOVE the cuddling, not gonna lie, but I still feel so bad that she's sicky.

The funny thing is, even though she's not at her best, I can still see her developing at an amazing rate. Her face is even more defined than in this picture. She's becoming more and more her own little person, so fast it scares me, in the best way :).

One more random thought: I just realized I'm never satisfied. At least not for long. When we got married, I loved our tiny 1-bedroom, but soon I wanted something bigger. Then I got pregnant, we moved into a 2-bedroom, and I enjoyed it for like, 5 seconds. Soon I was desperate (to the point of tears) to have the baby out of me AND move into a house. Now that I got the baby, I want the house asap. I'm getting jealous of pregnant women too, but I have yet to discern if these are true baby yearnings or just my usual dissatisfaction.

At first I thought this was because I needed the thrill of looking forward to something, but now I think I just need the thrill of something. Looking forward to it can actually drive me crazy - I am NOT good with waiting. I want it right here, right now. Then I want something else. NOW. Does that make me weird (as in, a nice word for high maintenance :)?

That's why Melissa is so good for me. She teaches me to appreciate the moment. It helps that she's in CONSTANT change - I don't need to wait long for the next cute thing she's gonna do. So at the same time that I'm eager for her to be a teenager and we can do our nails together, I'm forever entertained by her new discoveries. She also seems to want something new every minute. She gets SUPER excited with a toy, laughing histerically for 30 seconds, and then she's done. On to the next wonder. If only my wishes were that easily satisfied.

The Things I Suffer For Motherhood

2010-09-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

<- That's exactly how my stomach looks like. Suuure.

For any of you that might think my motherhood experience is all rosy-colored, judging by how adorable my daughter is, I'm here to disclose a dark side known only by few. I don't even think anybody knows it to the extent that my poor husband does, and that's just because he experiences it in full.

No, I'm not talking about mood swings (though of course I've had those too, but I promise I don't torture him, much). I'm talking about what hubby and I have nicknamed "the gas attacks". And I'm not talking about farts either (how dare you think such things of dainty me! :). I'm talking about a horrible, horrible, desperately horrible feeling whenever I eat any more than my stomach can, you know, stomach.

Ever since the pregnancy, it seems like it has a high sensitivity to fullness - too much of it, I mean. You know when it's lunch/dinner time, and you're already kinda full for whatever reason, but you eat anyway because your significant other does? Before the pregnancy, I could give myself that luxury, but now, it's a REALLY, REALLY BAD IDEA. I'm not talking about just a stomach ache, you people. I'm talking about utter pain, with epilesy like movements (but voluntary, of course, in a desperate attempt to stop the pain somehow).

It's totally comparable to labor pain. I actually think I'd rather be in labor than go through this, because at least there's a baby in the end, instead of just plain, dumb gas. So I wiggle myself, screaming or whispering of pain (in a very scary way for my poor husband), until the gas is finally burped out and I can breathe again. It's disheartening to see the helpless look in his face.

Tonight, I had one right in front of Wallgreens, and I could see him turning every color as people passed by. When we got home, I went to take a hot shower (frequently the only remedy), while he went to give Melissa her last feeding. Problem: she still doesn't take formula much, and there was no breastmilk available. I took my shower, got better (after AWHILE), then actually enjoyed having a few moments to myself very much. After I was done, he was still putting her to sleep, and then he got out of her room looking like he just went through war. Poor thing - I get to go relax and he has to go deal with the aftermath of my gas problems. Seriously, I have the most wonderful husband in the world.

So marry right, people - just good looks won't get you this, it's gotta be a true sensitive and caring person to have your back like this (literally - his back massages saved me at Wallgreens!). And childless people, don't freak out thinking this will happen to your stomach if you have a baby; I've never, ever heard of this before. It's just because it's me - and because I have such a amazing husband who can handle it.

It's The Baby's Fault

2010-09-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

Don't you love using this efficient little line, new parents? I know we do. But this week, it was true - we ALL got sick because of Melissa. After spending a whole day cleaning snot out of her little nose (sorry for painting this pretty picture on your mind), I was a complete wreck. I got dizzy, weak, achy, yucky and so congested I could hardly breathe. Hubby was next; it was A LOT of fun to go through this while he was too sick to help me, let me tell you. Even more fun was Melissa's whinning and constant snot producing, though I was more sorry for her than grossed out. Amazing how your kid's boogers become like your boogers - well, not exactly, but definitely better than anyone else's boogers!

Now that I'm done talking about boogers and snots and yuckinesses, let's talk about the happy stuff. My nephew was born!! I already have 2 nieces, from my oldest sister, and now my middle sister just had her first baby!! We're so excited it's a boy because we kind of have an overpopulation of women in our family. He was born precisely the day I felt the sickest, but that was a very good distration for me (on the times I could think straight).

I'm so excited now ALL my sister and I are mommies - this totally ads a whole new dimension to our bond. When you become a parent, you realize the simple excuse "it's the baby's fault" (for not being able to go somewhere or do something) only sounds like an excuse to childless people. Your life becomes so full, and it's equally wonderful and exhausting. So any day you can have the chance of doing (or not doing) whatever you want, you should be allowed to take it. No questions asked.

But answering your question (if you were kind enough to ask), yes, we are doing much better now. Not 100% back to normal (our voices are hoarse and our kleenexes are plenty), but at least we're a happy family once again. We're still laying low though, not sure of when we'll be joining society just yet - and of course it's totally the baby's fault.

Melissaisms

2010-09-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

- Gummy grin

- Purring like a cat

- Eating cheerios from the floor like a dog

- Licking us like a dog

- Pouting and throwing fits like a teenager

- Clapping and "singing along" (if "aaaaaah" counts) to Veggie Tales songs

- Being pooped and/or hungry at the most inconvenient of times

- Waking up precisely when I sit down with a brownie

- Eating EVERYTHING (not limited to food)

- Making us laugh when we're not supposed to (like in an immigration office)

- Playing the "hugging game" (hug mommy, then hug daddy, then mommy, then daddy...)

- Playing with her hair when she's sleepy

- Squealing as a way of communicating ANYTHING

- Being pretty much the most awesome 10 and a half month old kid in the world :).

I Sue You, "Good Housekeeping"!!!

2010-09-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

<- She looks tired...

I'm in between personalities right now. I used to be a faithful reader of Glamour (the only magazine I could find for 20-somethings that doesn't presume we're perverts), even had a subscription for awhile. Then, I became a mom, and suddenly articles about how to better party with your girlfriends seemed kinda unrealistic to me. I still have fun with my girlfriends, don't get me wrong - we just talk more about our babies' poop than about what's "in" on fashion these days.

So there I went, in search for a magazine that better suited my new point of view... "Parents" comes close, but fails for 2 reasons; one, it talks more about dealing with older kids, and not so much about babies (though you can still find some good info); and two, it's just about parenthood. Which is great and necessary and well put together and all, but most of the time, when I want to read a magazine, I want to remember who I am besides a parent. I want to think of lip gloss. Of my daily questionings of what to do with my life as a woman. Of some celebrity I'm curious about (and how she deals with her daily questionings of what to do with her life as a woman). Gossip magazines are too celebrity oriented (though not below me, I admit), so they're still not identifiable enough. I wanted something that sounded like "me".

Of course, this led me to Good Housekeeping (ok, you can laugh now. This sounds so like me. Not). All the home organizing tips are a little over my head, but I have to say, it does inspire me to be a better housekeeper. You know, there's something about seeing glossy pictures of pretty women acting like cleaning their bathroom is the most exciting thing in the world, and it kinda helps my brain accept the idea. Maybe what I like about it too is feeling proud of myself that I have a household and a family to take care of - you know, that feeling that you have grown up. Just taking the initiative to buy this magazine makes me feel like I've already arrived somewhere.

Which brings me to the point of why I want to sue them. Inspired by reading it the night before, I woke up yesterday wanting to become a true competent housekeeper. I used Melissa's naps (which were shorter than usual, by the way - it's like she knows) to sweep and wipe floors, wash dishes, and even do laundry in between. Nothing wrong with that, right? Things that any decent wife and mother should be doing, right?

Well, whether it is or not, it was a BIG MISTAKE. My entire body hurt so bad the end of the day that I felt nauseated. It hurt to turn my body in any direction. And before you call me a wuss, I have been exercising for 20 min. (sometimes 40) daily for a few weeks now! I didn't even do that yesterday, so I couldn't understand why my body was throwing such a fit. I cried, not because I was sad, but in a desperate effort to force it to relax. Isn't it crazy?

So now, there you go body, the house is dirty. And it will remain that way today. I will not have you torture me once again. Good Housekeeping sold me FALSE ADVERTISING that if I cleaned up I'd look like Mariska Hargitay on the cover, but I bet she has people that do it for her. So I'd rather be happy and messy, than clean and miserable, thank you very much.

Hope When Things Suck

2010-09-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

Life sucks sometimes. I'm not writing this because mine does - it actually kinda rocks right now, and it's in these moments of peace that you look back and have some perspective about your latest sucky moments, wishing you knew then what you know now. But while it's happening, it pretty much sucks.

There are moments that you look around and there's nothing, nothing that will make you feel better. I'm an analizer, so when I'm not able to analize myself out of a situation (or out of being hurt), I feel like I'm in a bad dream. I don't deal well with uncertainty or confusion. I think I'm getting better at letting stuff roll off my back though - motherhood has a way of tougheningup your skin. Must be your baby's cute face that makes you forget everything else. But back to my point, there are moments that you just don't know where to look. Your only options are to look down - sink in - or to look up.

Listening to the radio today, a song quoted Psalm 121 ("I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth"), and it reminded me of those times. I've always known those verses, and even thought they sounded a little too "out there" to truly make me feel better in a moment of desperation. But I finally get it now.

Sometimes, God allows bad stuff to happen to force us to look up. Key word, allow - He doesn't make bad people do bad stuff, but He gives everyone free will, but this doesn't mean He's not still in control. If He allowed something to happen, is because He's going to do something with it. I've learned not to underestimate His ability to turn crap into treasure :).

So next time the world sucks, try looking up. This might be the only way God can get you to reach higher.

Other cool verses:

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)

"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

How Not To Lose Your Mind In 10 Months

2010-09-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

Here's what you do when your baby reaches the milestone of 10 months and you're tired of chasing her around:

Cry

Or laugh histerically, whatever your emotions crave. But not in front of the kid - you don't want to traumatize her. The point is to find some time in the day to just feel whatever it is you're feeling.

Obsess

On the positive, that is. I won't tell you not to obsess - because, if you're a mom, we all know that's impossible. But it will do wonders for your spirit if you obsess over her birthday party than over the piece of paper she just ate from the floor.

Create

If I keep my creative juices flowing, I'm much more adaptable with her constant changes. And this is coming from a person who LOVES routines. So go create something, girlfriend - a recipe, a scrapbook, a new work out (the Hip Hop Body Shop video is so much fun!!). Unless creating is not what floats your boat - then go mop the floors or something.

Refresh

Everyday, try to do a little something that used to make you feel good before you had a baby. For me, it's using a cake-smelling body wash. In the beginning, I was afraid to enjoy showering too much, as if there wasn't a baby waiting for me. Don't fall into this trap; you have to enjoy yourself. This is, like, one of the first rules of good motherhood - right after keeping the baby happy.

My Latest Existential Crisis

2010-08-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

I'm a big reality tv junkie, and one of my favorites is The Rachel Zoe Project. Yes, she is unhealthily obssessed with fashion, to the detriment of her family time, but I find myself jealous of her passion. That she has found something that rocks her world this much, and is successful at it. This concept fascinates me, and I want some of it to rub off on me.

Reading what I just wrote, it kinda weirded me out - I do not want that crazy life, and I am very happy raising my daughter, thank you very much. It's not that I'd rather work than do what I do. It's that, at the same time that I feel so fulfilled and accomplished in my mommy life, I don't feel that way so much in my career life (or lack thereof). I've never had a "big" job (just a bunch of assistant this, assistant that), and, 5 years after graduating college, I think that's kind of embarrassing. I know it's honorable to live for your daughter, and I am satisfied, but I just wonder if I'll feel empty once she starts school. Like, when they ask her, "what does your mom do?" What will she say? That I feed her, do squats in front of her, pretend-clean the house and then watch tv?

I know I'm minimizing the work of a stay at home mom, and we do do A LOT. I'm wiped out at the end of every day. But it's not about the worth of this that I'm talking about - it's about me as a person. If I'll feel like I haven't invested anything in myself when my kids all go to college. Then what? Will I redirect my focus on demanding grandchildren?

I'm sorry for the existential crisis, I just felt like blogging and this is what's been on my mind the last couple of minutes (after watching a Rachel Zoe episode on demand). The next couple minutes might bring a whole new set of neurosis, so stay tuned!

Random Mommy & Baby News

2010-08-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

Random Mommy News:

I'm happy to report that, after almost 10 months of motherhood, I've FINALLY had my first (successful) pants purchase. I mean regular pants, that aren't even maternity ones!! WOOHOOO!!!

I've tried a few since Melissa was born, but they always felt funny, and/or killed me at the waist everytime I sat, or breathed. But I couldn't believe how comfortable these felt! I got them at New York & Company (and should probably charge them for the advertising):

I wish I looked this fabulous on them, but they did look MUCH better than my worn out pregnancy jeans. I'm SO happy I won't be wearing them at Melissa's 1st birthday!! I'm 2 sizes bigger than I used to be though, but they fit, so I'm not complaining!

Random Baby News:

If you've been reading my blog, you know that Melissa's picky self will NOT tolerate any formula. Not even an ounce in like a million ounces of breastmilk; nada. And this has been making me nervous about transitioning her to cow milk when she's 1, wondering if she'd ever take that. BUT I found this wonderful new formula for older babies:Which doesn't smell gross like the other ones! I mean, not as gross, but it looks and tastes exactly like Leite Ninho - the brazilian powdered milk my sisters and I drank when we were little. So true to her mom's genes, Melissa drank it! I was SO, SO excited, thinking I'd start my boob-freedom even sooner, until she threw the whole thing up. WHYYYYYYY????? It was too good to be true. I called her doctor (not because of that, but because she'd been puking on us often - sorry if TMI), but I mentioned that and they told me to try again in a week, that maybe her stomach just isn't used to it. Wouldn't that be wonderful?? So please send your prayers and happy thoughts!

The random news are now done. I could have other random stuff to talk about, but I must save material for other posts. Leave a comment if you read this far!!

God's Guide to Having a Fit

2010-08-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

NOT that I'm claiming to be God's voice or anything like that - and as I mentioned on this post, I don't usually talk about my faith on this blog. But every once in awhile I'm just in the mood, so you'll have to bear with me.

I was thinking that many people (including Christians) can have the impression that Christians aren't allowed to be angry. Or upset. Or just plain frustrated. We're supposed to endure everything quietly, just like Jesus endured the cross. But we forget that Jesus himself caused a revolution right before that, becoming very frustrated several times in the process. And he wasn't afraid to let people know!

I think there is a difference, though, in being rightfully frustrated, or being just a pain. Like I heard someone say, "don't be a porcupine - someone with a lot of very good points, but no one wants to be around them" :). Isn't it genious?? What good is it to be right, when you're so annoying that no one wants to listen to you anyway?

Like in Jonah's story - God told him to go tell some horrible people that if they didn't repent, they'd die. So they did, and then Jonah was all upset because he didn't want them to be forgiven. It was when God told him, "Have you any right to be angry?" (Jonah 4:4) In other words, "hey, you're not thinking straight here. I know you don't want them to get away with it, but this is people who can't tell their right hand from their left [not paraphrasing this part]. They don't know what they're doing, and I don't want them to die, as much as I don't want you to die. So nope, you don't get to throw a fit."

I think that God's "fit" is the kind that prompts positive change, and is for the good of everybody, not just for your need to vent. I don't think it's a sin to be frustrated, it's a human emotion, but what we do with it is what counts. It might be that we just didn't get our chocolate of the day, or it might be a sign that something bigger needs to change.

My Bucket List ('Til The Next Kid)

2010-08-18T17:10:00.000-07:00

**Took image away because I wasn't sure if I could use it :(. Will try to replace it soon!**

Okay, it does sound a little too tragic to call this a "bucket list" - as if, by the time I have my next kid, my life will be over. Well, but life as I know it will. Currently, when I finally get Melissa to take a nap (which is harder and harder these days), I get to go check my email, eat chocolate or stare at nothing in blissful silence. I'm REALLY afraid of what it will be like when I have one more kid.

As I've already mentioned here, we've "scheduled" our next pregnancy for next year (because we don't want them to be too far apart in age), so I don't have much more time left. These are the things that I wish to accomplish before my next labor (oy, it hurts me just to think about it):

De-Puff
I have no unrealistic expectations of returning to my pre-pregnancy body - I have complete conscience that some parts have changed forever. And it's not all bad, it's just different. Takes some getting used to. But my goal is to "de-puff" as much as possible and feel comfortable in clothes again (hence latest post).

De-Cow
It would be nice to stop milking myself for a solid year before another baby's attached to my boob. I REALLY want to wean Melissa off when she turns one, but still kinda clueless about how... She is eating more solids, though - and sometimes I can distract her with food before she wants to nurse - but to go to sleep, she's pretty much dependent on me. I know you shouldn't stop all of a sudden, but how do you do it gradually??

De-Clutter
By then Melissa will be a little older, and I'm afraid I'm not setting up an example of cleanliness so far...

De-Stress
I hereby promise, promise, promise that I'll be a less stressed out preggo next time. Or at least less stressed out about being stressed out.

The Couch Potato Work Out

2010-08-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

I admit: I'm a couch potato mom. Which is a mom that loves to play with her daughter, but as soon as she's done (or said daughter is entertained by something else), is back at her beloved couch.

At this post, I had wrongfully assumed that working out was harmful to my motherhood (or wifehood). Indeed, panting on a treadmill does not do any good for my ability to hold Melissa or communicate with my husband afterwards. But I realized that, amazingly, there is a way for me to exercise at my own rythm, leaving me more energized than worn out.

Oh gosh, I can't believe I just wrote those words. I sound like some work out video person, which I'm SO not. But I have noticed a pattern in my life that I function MUCH better if I do things in my own rythm/way. Like pushing Melissa out, for example. The "cheerleader" nurses counting on my ear drove me crazy. I tried their way for almost 3 hours, and nothing. Then I decided to ignore them, pushing and breathing whenever felt right (whether they told me to or not), and Melissa was born in 15 minutes. See, I might look clueless, but I know what I'm doing!

Now back to exercising. It's hard to believe, but before I got pregnant, I actually did go to the gym for a couple of months. I still kinda remembered the exercises the instructor had me do outside of the machines, so I decide to just do them on the floor while Melissa played. I was amazed at how easy it was! This was SO much better to do without having killed myself in the treadmill beforehand. And Melissa loved having mommy close doing crazy movements.

I'm not going to try to explain these exercises to you, because I'm not a gym instructor, and if I tried you'd all send me your chiropractor bills. But I do abs, squats, and couple others that I don't know the name. It takes me 15 minutes tops to finish the whole thing (that's counting on Melissa climbing me/making me chase her half the time), but I have been doing this EVERY SINGLE DAY since last Tuesday. And amazingly, it does give me more energy! Imagine that - exercise had always been a cause of weariness for me, not of energy. The strech afterwards also helps my sore baby-carrying muscles.

Do you recognize me now?? I'm so proud of myself!! Even if I'm sure I'm NOT doing them right - you know, the posture, and all - but who cares. I'm moving for 15 minutes everyday, so that's gotta count to something, right? RIGHT??

How Not To Plan Your Baby's 1st Birthday

2010-08-10T16:49:00.000-07:00

<- Melissa's head on her birthday bee costume :)

When I'd read other moms blog about their kid's first birthday, I'd think, "Ha! I'm NEVER going to get this carried away." I bet I'd never feel like a needed a special outfit, or invite over 40 people. "So silly", I'd think. "The child won't remember it. It's all for the vain, silly mommy."

Well, today, I am this vain silly mommy. This has even kept me up at night. I mean, how?? Couldn't I just get a cake from Safeway and call it a day? Absolutely not. This isn't just a birthday - it's a celebration that we've survived one full year of baby caring. And considering we live far from our families, it's HUGE accomplishment.

So while this whole party planning is kicking my butt, I'm here to share with you what has NOT worked for me so far... So that you, my several pregnant friends, can avoid these in the future (though of course, if any actually works for you, rock on :).

Inviting the ENTIRE World
I was surprised my initial list was well over 40 people - and I'd thought it was funny when I read some other mom saying she'd invited this many. Now, I don't know what to do with all the friends we care about (thank goodness, there's a lot of them). You know those cases - if you invite one, then you need to invite this other, and the list goes on... So, if you happen not to get an invitation, PLEASE don't take it personally - take it as a testimony of how tiny our apartment is.

Spending Too Much
No, I did not spend too much, yet. But I thought about it. Oh yes, I did. If I was rich, I'd go all out decorating every space of our walls, maybe even hire entertainment for the kids, and for sure really nice favors for everyone. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I was tempted to get annoyed at this, but remembered that if we filled our small apartment too much, we'd all have to come out.

Forgetting How You Function
Worried about my long list of potential invitees, I wondered if we should do this somewhere else. Like the park (bugs), or the Little Gym (expensive), or even ChuckeCheese (would completely ruin my bee-vision for the party). Then I had an epiphany - even if we could fit more people, I don't want it to be a humongous event. I don't want to spend the entire party trying to make everybody comfortable when I'm not. I'm an introvert who just happens to talk a lot when given the opportunity, but an introvert neverthless. Too many people can drive me crazy, even if I love them all. So again, if I don't invite you, please don't doubt my love. And pray that we have a house with a huge yard one day.

Growing Joy

2010-08-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

It's happening. Our family is growing. No, I'm not pregnant - that's for next year. But David and I are growing as parents, and our little Melissa Joy is becoming more of a little girl and less of a baby.

When I was pregnant, I dreamed more of the interaction with her than with holding a baby. From the first moment, I couldn't wait till she'd grow so we could chat. I hear some moms get sad about their kid's 1st birthday, a little nostalgic of when they were smaller, but not me. I'm SO excited she's growing. I've even laughed out of joy by myself because of it. That is in the midst of sleep deprivation and back pain for chasing a crawler. Yes, my body suffers, but I'm so ecstatic that her head looks bigger than it did yesterday that it seriously makes up for everything.

Maybe it's the fact that she understands me more, and vice versa. Or that now she can eat whatever I'm eating, and that means I don't have to splatter baby food all over both of us. Or maybe that we're closer to getting pedicures together. I try to reason my sudden giddiness when I'm by myself, but I still can't pinpoint why. But then again, it might also be that I'm finally by myself.

My Baby Stole My Brain

2010-08-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

A child takes a lot from you - your time, your patience, or your right to meditate in the bathroom. But one thing you may not expect your baby to take is your brain. Sometimes I feel like Melissa stole my intelligence; like she needed my ability to finish a sentence so she could learn how to speak. Don't despair though, oh you future parents - the main reason for this is that you're too in love with your child to function. Or, you're too tired to remember how the outside world functions.

Like this past Friday, when I went to see a movie with my super fun mommy friend Nancy. We both felt like fugitives, and were so stoked to have a break from our babies and diaper bags that we got into the wrong movie. It was my fault: I read the 13 on "PG13" and thought it was the number where we were supposed to go. So we watched a few minutes of an Indian movie with subtitles, wondering when Angelina Jolie (as "Salt") was going to come and kill everybody.

I'm sure I could mention many other mommy-brain moments, if my mommy brain functioned enough to remember. I only have flashes of memory of nodding to what someone said that I wasn't supposed to nod to, or stopping mid-sentence without any idea of how I started it (this is a recurring one). Thankfully, being socially witty is not on the top of my priorities right now. I know that as soon as the world sees Melissa's cuteness, all will be forgotten.

All The Pregnant Ladies

2010-08-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

I think I kinda have an obssession with posting advice for future mothers. I can't help it - my sister's pregnant, as well as 3 dear friends of mine (and there might be more that I don't remember, they seem to be multiplying). And maybe it's my secret desire to go back in time and shake myself out of my clueslessness (or let myself know such clueslessness is ok).

So this is what I'd say to old pregnant me:

You Are NOT Huge

I know you feel like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float, but it's all baby. Ok, maybe it's not all baby, but the people that see you can't tell that easily. I know it's hard to believe, but they just see the "miracle of life" when they look at you. The baby took over your whole body (including arms and butt), as far as they're concerned. And anyway, you'll be amazed of how much water weight you'll lose once he/she's out.

You ARE Ready

I remember when I was about to walk down the aisle to get married, I panicked 'cause I couldn't believe I could've possibly planned enough. It just seemed impossible there was nothing left to do, except get married. I think we experience this kind of feeling all over again with motherhood - like there's nothing we can do that can be ever enough for your child. And that's true, there isn't. But it's not about things - YOU are enough.

Yes, You WILL Have a Pretty Baby

Am I the only one who secretly wondered if I was going to like the way my baby looked? I knew I'd love her even if she had 4 ears, but seeing her inherit mommy's stick-out ears made me feel like tearing up. Of course the rest of her is beyond gorgeous too, but what I mean is that it's so amazing to see a little person that is a piece of you that trust me, you'll fall in love with your baby. It's like the same thrill of falling in love with your significant other, only motherly.

DON'T Expect the Worst

My crazy pregnant brain thought that if I assumed the worst, then I'd be pleasantly surprised when something good happened, and not disappointed if it didn't. What's wrong with this thinking is that you never ever enjoy where you're at. You're constantly worried, in a "pre-partum" depression. And then you miss out on what I think is the most fun part of being pregnant - the thrill of anticipation. So go ahead, expect thet best - you already have something really good going on right now.

Hello... Is It Me You're Looking For?

2010-08-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

When God sings you a song from the 80's

Not too sound cheesy, but everybody is looking for something, aren't we? It's like we're always under the impression that if we get more - success, acceptance, things, or in my case, sleep - we'll be happier. And then, when it doesn't work, we wonder if that means we're supposed to get even more than what we thought.

I confess I'm an eager mother. I have to remind myself to just enjoy the way Melissa is right now, and not just dream of when she grows, or how much cooler it would be if I could buy her more toys. Why is it so hard for us to just chill and be happy?

Aside from the "Life Motto" on the right of this page, I haven't said anything about my faith. But now, I thought it would be the time to change that. I want to tell you why I believe those verses - and what keeps me sane through the craziness of motherhood.

A lot of people go to church or call themselves Christians for different reasons. For many it's a matter of tradition; they're looking for that nice family time, for a chance to stop and think happy thoughts before they start their week. For others, it's a guilt issue. They think that, if they don't go to church and pray and all that, they'll go to hell. Maybe they're looking for acceptance, or security.

But it made me laugh inside when I thought that God might be singing to all of us: "Hello, is it Me you're looking for? / I can see it in your eyes / I can see it in your smile [or lack thereof] / You're all I've ever wanted / And my arms are open wide / 'Cause [I] know just what to say / And [I] know just what to do / And I want to tell you so much / I love you."

If My Pump Could Talk

2010-07-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

<- It's NOT this easy or glamorous (love the wind on her hair :)

If my pump could talk, it would say it wants to retire. It would say it has seen enough of my womanhood and doesn't want to be my nightly companion anymore. Our relationship is troubled.

Not that it's broken or anything. It's just that this whole milking myself saga is getting old. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Melissa's awake waaaay more during the day, so then I become more sensitive, if you know what I'm saying. I honestly don't mind nursing right now, I just don't want to do it forever. I'm NOT one of those moms who does't have a timeline to stop and dread the day she'll have to. I'm SO not.

My timeline has changed throughout the months, though. When I had her, it was like a day. Just kidding - but not much because while recovering from delivery, nursing seemed close to impossible. Thank goodness for my wonderful persistent husband and the power pump I rented from the hospital (which allowed me to start slooooowly, just pumping in the beginning, until I got the hang of it).

Then I wanted to stop at 6 months, but at that mark, it got so easy (and she was so attached to it) that I just didn't have the heart... And now that we're at 9 months, I'm still doing okay - my only concern is that she'll never want to stop, ever.

I want to get pregnant again in about a year. I do not want to feel like a milking cow uninterruptedly. I hear some babies take the transition to regular milk like it's nothing, and I HIGHLY doubt Melissa will be one of them. She's such a strong willed little person. She does not tolerate not even an ounce of formula mixed into a million ounces of breastmilk. Picky, picky. Just like somebody I know :).

So let me read your weaning off stories... The crazier the better, I want to be prepared for the worst!

I Found Something Better Than Chocolate

2010-07-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not. What's been helping me emerge from my mommy funk is not this wonderful creation by Hershey's:

Though, of course, it deserves its honorable mention. But tonight I've miraculously forgotten to have my dose of it to do something even more soothing:

PLAN MELISSA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I don't even have to feel like an overly eager mom anymore. Because though I might be overly eager, this Thursday Melissa will be 9 months old (crazy!!), so that will officially make me not a crazy person to start ordering stuff! :)

So in celebration of this moment, I've been thinking of these past months since her birth. I am a new woman. A new, more tired, and more overwhelmed woman, but misteriously happier. The possible reasons might be:

Less Time for Drama
I still have issues, but now I just have less time to focus on them. So this leaves me blissfully ignorant of anything wrong that would've made me freak out before.

I Joined a Club
Before you have a kid, you never understand the unspoken feeling of camaraderie that a parent feels seeing another deal with their own child. It's an instant bond that used to take me years to make.

Breaks Are Shinier
Of course I had many more breaks before, but they weren't nearly as exciting. Now when I have some time by myself or with David it feels like vacation. I know this might sound depressing to childless people, but I tell you, it's a blast.

Selective Memory
Maybe because the days go by like a blur, I only remember the good stuff. When I tell people how hard it is to have a child, I myself get surprised of how I'm still alive and functioning. But it doesn't feel like it's hard - it feels like Melissa erased my memory and now I'm left just worn out and happy :).

Meanwhile, in Melissa's World...

2010-07-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know why mommy is so upset. I'm having loads of fun.

Now I can crawl, wiggle and stand up better than ever before. I want to practice it ALL THE TIME. Sleep is so boring. How am I supposed to learn how to walk sleeping??

And I want to walk so I can go chase mommy more efficiently. She comes when I whine, but that gets tiring. Sometimes I'm not even upset, I just want her to come. It's exhausting to force myself to cry ALL THE TIME.

So mommy, accept the fact that I'm stronger now and can get what I want better. I want to cuddle. AND I want to play. AND nurse. All at the same time. That's because these are my favorite things and I can't understand why I should have to choose between them!

I'm excited about life. I think I poop all the time out of excitement. Just like you feel like going to the bathroom whenever you're really antecipating something. See, mom, we're not that different.

Mom Funk

2010-07-20T18:05:00.000-07:00

No, this is not a new ghetto musical style. It's my emotional state of the moment.

On this post I joked that I could be going through a middle motherhood crisis. Now I think it's true. Melissa's growing, and Lord knows I love to see her grow, but that means she DOES NOT sleep.

She's been okay at night, but during the day, long were the days when she had a 2 hour nap in the morning and one in the afternoon. I was beginning to think this motherhood thing was pretty easy. Who can't take care of a baby for just 3 hours after a 2 hour break?

Now, my break has been reduced to just about half an hour, which is barely enough for me to do the necessary (eat/check email/try not to look like a zombie). And when she's awake, she wants MORE attention, MORE nursing, MORE toys (she wants a different one every 10 seconds), and of course MORE poop (I mean, she doesn't want more poop - and neither do I, but she makes it anyway).

I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I've already increased my chocolate consumption in the process. NOT good for my thighs or self steem. Then as a desperate attempt to distract myself, I end up addicted to this blog, checking it like a mad woman. So if you find it in your heart to leave me a comment, you just might make my day a little more bearable.

Beautiful & High Maintenance

2010-07-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

That's what Melissa was called by the lady from the kids' class at church today. She stayed there the entire service for the first time - Halleluja! - but only because this nice lady decided not to interrupt us during Melissa's grumpy mood.

Now, does this look like a high maintenance girl to you? No, it looks like the most adorable little girl in the world. That's what she is - and that's probably what keeps us maintaining her high maintenanceness. And it's also why the lady said in the same breath that she's beautiful, sweet, demanding and knows what she wants (a nice way to say "picky").

So after church, I told David this, and he said (after cracking up) that he thinks she got that from me. What?? I mean, I'm flattered with the first part, but I didn't know my pickyness had reached a point that it would be passed on to the next generation.

Ok, I knew it could happen, but I just hoped she'd become the carefree and flexible person that I'm not. I think I've grown a lot with motherhood (and life), but I still do like my comfort zone very much. As I said on the last post, I want Melissa to be better - and more daring - than me.

So now we're wondering, with her also active nature, if this means she'll become a pretty & high maintenance cheerleader. Only time will tell. At least she got dad's coordination skills.